Godspeed, Mr. Sleaze

Prolific producer Harry H. Novak bought a ticket to the Great Grindhouse in the Sky earlier this week, leaving behind a legacy of lurid flicks. From nudie cuties to hardcore smut to trashy horror flicks, throughout the 60s and 70s, Novak had a hand in virtually every genre that ends in "-ploitation".

Over the span of 1976-77 alone, Novak gave the world Rattlers, cult classic Rituals, and one of my personal favorites, The Child. They may not be good movies, but that matters very little when they're so goddamn entertaining. So raise a glass to The Sultan of Sleaze...they just don't make 'em like Harry Novak anymore.

Boy oh BOOOOYYYY!

I admit, the recently-announced Phantasm: Ravager (that's Phantasm V to you!) elicited no more than a shrug and an "I probably won't see that." from me. The original film scared the absolute crap out of me when I was a yoot and therefore occupies a sphere-shaped place in my heart forever. My only other foray into Sequelville was the dreadful Part IV; after that, I decided to leave well enough alone and keep my interactions restricted to one film and one film only.

However, the trailer for Ravager is making the rounds today and damn, if it doesn't look good! Sure, teasers are designed to look good, and I'll bet a skilled editor could make something enticing composed of footage from the the biggest piece of shit movies (yes, perhaps even for The Cavern). This trailer has me interested, by gum, and the details available at Entertainment Weekly are adding fuel to my fiery movie loins (I don't know what that means). Original cast members Reggie Bannister, Michael Baldwin, and Angus Scrimm have returned, as has series creator Don Coscarelli, who says "This film is a real turning point in the series. There’s real closure for the core characters that I hope fans will respond to.” Closure! I like it!

Oh, and there's “an extended sequence on the Tall Man’s home world.” Okay, fuck yeah, sign me up. I can't resist a planet full of hooded weirdo space dwarves!

Here's the trailer. For more info, check out Entertainment Weekly or probably every other website on The Internet.

props

Quick, name a Final Girl!

Who came to mind? Laurie Strode, I bet. Nancy Thompson. Sally Hardesty? Maybe Sidney Prescott. Ginny Field, I hope...or perhaps you simply blurted out "This blog!" I'm willing to bet, however, that you didn't name Chris Higgins, the Final Girl from Friday the 13th Part 3D, did you. DID YOU. DIIIIIID YOOOOOU. Well, friends, I think we need to change that. It's time to give Chris Higgins her props!

I realize it's too much to hope that Chris is added to the FG pantheon; there's something about her character that's oddly unlikable for a "heroine", isn't there? I'm not sure if that's owed to Dana Kimmell's performance or if Chris is underwritten (boy, that would be so shocking in a slasher movie), charmless, and cold or what- not that a character has to be charming and/or warm for me to root for him or her, but you know what I mean. She lacks whatever it is that lets the audience connect to her. She must, otherwise she'd forever be the #1 Final Girl because let's face it:

Chris Higgins gets shit done.

Jason Voorhees has pummeled and squeezed and chopped all her friends to pieces and everything has gone to hell, but Chris keeps a level enough head to really fight back. Though terrorized, she doesn't just run away and hope against hope that she'll be rescued. Let's take a look at what she do do to rescue herself. Mind you- this is the second time she's faced Jason. By the time Part III rolls around, she's already survived an encounter with him. She's such a badass!

• she knocks over a giant bookcase onto Jason
• she pulls a knife out of her dead friend and slashes at Jason, driving him backwards down a hallway, then stabs him with it
• she smashes a second storey window and jumps out
• she clocks Jason with a log
• she hops in a van and drives away (only to be foiled by an empty gas tank and an unstable bridge)
• when Jason reaches in a van window and strangles her, she rolls it up on his arms and escapes out the other door
• she dangles off a barn roof beam, hiding, then drops onto Jason when he walks underneath her
• she clocks him with a shovel, ties a rope around his neck, and throws him out of the fucking barn loft door
• she buries an axe in Jason's head

Damn! That is some Nancy Thompson boobytrap-level shit all done on the fly, no planning or forethought. You guys, Chris Higgins might be the best. Let's remember that forever and always from now on!

THE GRUDGE is getting a reboot

The 2004 film is getting a reboot. 2004. 2004. 2004. A REBOOT.

some things

Hey guys, are you ready to hear about some things? Some things, yeah! Woo! Get ready, 'cause here are some things:

• I've been doing some writing in other places. I figured it's time to resurrect and once again sporadically update over at my video game blog, Jill Sandwich. If you like games, check it out! If you don't like games, what the heck is your problem, they're great! Also, last week I started a new blog/project thing that I'm super duper wicked excited about: Dallas Reviewed, in which I'll be reviewing every episode of Dallas in chronological order. If you've been reading Final Girl for more than two minutes, then you know how much I loves me some Dallas. It's a ton of fun to write, so check that out if you're so inclined. It updates on Fridays.
• I've been doing some art in other places. Once upon a long ago time, I did some stick figure illustrations of the death scenes of some Friday the 13th movies. Well, I've grabbed a hold of that idea again and I'm rebooting/revamping/rewhatevering it, in color even. I made a new tumblr for it and everything; Friday the 13th: Death Count updates just about every day, so yes...there's another thing to check out if you so desire.

• My webcomic, RPG, has at long last started up again, huzzah! For the foreseeable future, it will update on Mondays.
• Apparently that Michael Bay/Platinum Dunes-produced remake of The Birds is on again. You remember it, don't you? We clutched our collective pearls about it seven years ago. As it never came to be, I assumed that after all my trying, I'd finally wished something away to the cornfield. But noooo! It's back! I've mellowed much on the notion of remakes over the last seven years- if I don't want to see something, I just...you know...don't- but still, I feel the allure of outrage tugging where my heartstrings should be. It's the kind of project that should be put down before a single dime is spent on it. It's one of those, uh, whaddayou call 'em...an abomination! Yeah, that's it. Fart on you, Michael Bay/Platinum Dunes-produced remake of The Birds.
• In Movies That Shouldn't Be Farted On news, I partook in a delicious double feature last night: Hard Candy and Brian De Palma's Passion. The former is a fantastic character piece, all tense and claustrophobic. Has Ellen Page ever been better than as Hard Candy's Hayley? I say to you no, no she has not. It is an uncomfortable delight for sure. 

As for Passion, well, my goodness. It was an indulgent hot mess, I loved every minute of it, and I cannot wait to watch it again.

The Seventh Victim (1943)

Finally got around to watching The Seventh Victim (1943) and man, it's terrific. Maybe you knew that, as it's generally regarded as one of the best horror films of all time. That's me, always late to the party! Well, hey, at least I still show up. Now point me to the snack table, and on the way we can talk about this super boss Val Lewton production.

• The Seventh Victim boasts three of my very favorite themes in both cinema and life: Satanism, urban isolation, and ennui!
• Even if you're some kind of freak who thinks this movie stinks, you cannot deny the effect it's had on the genre: its influence is obvious in horror classics Psycho and Rosemary's Baby.
• Speaking of an influence on Psycho, the shower scene in this film is full of dread and menace like nobody's business. NOBODY'S I SAY
• There are some gay undertones in the Frances/Jacqueline relationship, no? It certainly seemed like it could be read that way. Then again, I think most things could be read that way, so.
• Speaking of Jacqueline, let's talk about her white hot, outré Cleopatra wig! It's perhaps the most startling thing in the movie. I looked up actress Jean Brooks because once you see that wig, why wouldn't you? The results were not as I'd hoped, to put it mildly: a few years of floundering outside the studio system until an untimely death of malnutrition caused by alcoholism. I was reminded of Gail Russell, whose equally sad tale I discovered after watching the superior ghost story The Uninvited (1944). It's always shocking when "I wonder if _______ is still around?" and some internetting deliver a depressing life story that's in complete contrast to the perceived glamour of Hollywood's golden era.
• I understand there were a few scenes scrapped during production, and I'd really like to see 'em because this shit wraps up in about ten seconds, and some ideas come out of left field in the final moments.
• Man, what a delightful downer of an ending!

I think perhaps the greatest lesson in all of this is that you really can't go wrong with a Val Lewton horror production. Also, that I love snacks...but unless this is your first time here, this is not surprising.

The Final Frame

This is the final frame of what horror movie?

Nope, still the worst

I know that y'all know that I love The Haunting (1963). I mean, I've said it so many times that even I'm sick of hearing it. It's like, man, we get it, if you could marry The Haunting you would, now let's all move on.

I also know that y'all also know that I loathe the 1999 remake about as much as I adore the original. Why, I have such a vendetta against Jan de Bont's The Haunting, you'd think that it chews its gum too loudly or it murdered my family. Why, I was just talking about it fairly recently!

Last night, however, I had a thought: what if I'm being too hard on it? Is it really so bad, or am I just holding on to a 15-year grudge for no reason? Is there hope that The Haunting '99 and I could ever come to some sort of a ceasefire? To find out the answer to all of these questions, I did something I never imagined that I'd do: I watched it again. I watched it again and tried to keep an open mind, tried not to compare it to the 1963 masterpiece, tried to treat it as its own thing, tried to enjoy it.

I tried.

And guess what? I failed because this movie is so terrible! I found myself completely unable to stop comparing it to the original (and to the book both films are based on, Shirley Jackson's The Haunting of Hill House) because it's such a...such a...twisted perversion of that film that I can't ignore all of the differences, the oh so wrongness of it. This movie is obscene like that defiled statue in The Exorcist. It's the worst stereotype of an American: it's fat, loud, and stupid. It's an abomination! I've said it before and I'll say it again, because after watching The Haunting again, these sentiments are forever sealed in my heart place: If it were up to me, though, every copy of it would be placed in a big pile, and then the pile would be burned down, and then the ground would be sown with salt.

All that said, the film is not without its highlights. Let us peruse them!

1. Lili Taylor, because Lili Taylor.

2. Virginia Madsen! I'd totally forgotten she makes an appearance, but isn't she just the best? (yes)

3. This guy on the left, who has one word of dialogue.

4. Luke gets fucking decapitated in front of her, and Eleanor responds by calmly saying "Oh no."

5. Goodness gracious but Catherine Zeta-Jones is so pretty.

6. Eleanor's morphing teeth

7. Eleanor's hair vagina

That's it! Those are the highlights. Well, okay, so maybe Eleanor calling Hugh Crain "grandpa" could be a highlight but my god that is just so so so despicable, I can't. I can't.

When it comes to movies, music, any of that stuff, I tend to have a "live and let die" attitude. Everyone likes different things! The heart wants what the heart wants! There's no accounting for taste! You do you, girl! But for fuck's sake, if you think this is a good movie or- Charles Nelson Reilly forfend- you think The Haunting '99 is better than The Haunting '63...you really need to see your doctor because there is absolutely something wrong with you. It could be a blood clot, demonic possession, or worse and I worry about you, get it checked out.

awesome movie poster friday - the JAMIE LEE CURTIS edition!

Sometimes I take Jamie Lee Curtis for granted. It's just not raging all the time, you know? If I see Adrienne Barbeau's name in a film's credits, you can consider my shit lost. Same with Charles Napier and Joan Collins and anyone from the cast of Dallas or Melrose Place. But if JLC comes up, my shit remains totally under control. Maybe it's because I've seen everything in her horror oeuvre countless times, or maybe it's because she's too familiar now that I know so much about her regularity issues. Maybe it's because she's made so many movies I'll simply never see (I mean, Christmas with the Kranks combines like ten things I hate, and that level of negativity can only be partially mitigated by the presence of Ms. Curtis and M. Emmet Walsh).

I was recently reminded, however, that my love for her is an eternal flame burning so bright that even The Bangles are all "Tone it down, Stacie". This is thanks to the JLC documentary on the recent 35th Anniversary Blu Ray edition of Halloween. I know...I know! You could have a very sizable movie library consisting solely of the various releases of that GD movie. Every five years- at least!- there's a new one with fancier packaging or cruddier packaging, more special features or no special features, better picture quality or a plush Lester (I WISH), and so on. This 35th Anniversary edition has to be it, though, the version to end all versions. It has to be. It's chock full of everything (commentaries, the television edit, blah blah blah), so what else is there?

Best of all- and what put me back on the Jamie train- is "The Night She Came Home", an hour-long documentary chronicling Curtis's first and only convention appearance, at HorrorHound 2012. The feature, shot by Curtis's sister Kelly, basically just follows the star around as she arrives and works at the show, posing for photos, signing stuff, and talking with fans. An inconsequential event for those of us relegated to watching it all unfold on a TV screen, perhaps, but, as corny as it may sound, there's a lot of love going on throughout. It made my coal black horror fan heart beat at least one time! And by the end I remembered that despite the dilution of the title "Scream Queen" in recent years, she really is the Super Ultra #1 Scream Queen For Real. How could I ever take her for granted? ILU JLC!

What better way to celebrate than with an Awesome Movie Poster Friday? None. There is no better way. Except pizza.

Halloween

Halloween II

Halloween H20

No, no Halloween: Resurrection posters because fuck Halloween: Resurrection!

Terror Train

Prom Night (what the heck, that Japanese one looks like a car ad)

The Fog (ow, my bursitis is flaring up no wait, that's just my love of The Fog)

Road Games

Mother's Boys (have you seen this? It is some Lifetime Movie-level thriller shit and I love it)

ki ki ki meh meh meh

Came across this yesterday and I was so shocked I almost spat my leftover Thanksgiving stuffing all over my computer screen.

Can you believe this shit? Mind you, I thought that the remake was a big waste of natural resources- no wait...actually, I pretty much wanted to set it on fire- but I'm surprised that instead of hopping down the sequel trail, they're re-reboot-ening.

But then, on the older, wiser, perhaps more boring hand...I find that I do not care. You see, I no longer live in Los Angeles, so my days of press screenings and free screenings and movie openings are past. Having to pay for something, well, that makes me a far more discerning viewer because the idea of spending some of my precious few dollars on another remake of Friday the 13th makes me want to puke. I'll have to wait for it to show up at Redbox or Netflix or something, and I have a feeling there's always going to be something I'd rather watch. But who knows! I've done worse things in the interests of science, so maybe I'll take a reckless plunge when the time comes.

Moreso, however, it got me thinking about slashers in general, their place in the horror movie pantheon, and how much appeal they hold for me these days. Heck, I started Final Girl to talk exclusively about 'em! Now here I am, unable to achieve a metaphorical boner of love or hate for the idea of a new Friday the 13th.

I suppose it's a combination of things. Tastes change, after all, and right now my horror tastes generally run in directions other than "young attractive people are stabbed in creative ways". I say "generally" because hey, every once in a while a new slasher flick comes along and I really dig it. And, of course, I still adore the slashers of mah yoot and indulge in them on the regular. Geez, I wrote a comic about 'em! I guess I've simply come to a place in life where I embrace the freedom of not giving a shit about stuff like this. Or, at least, my Internet Anger tank is running on fumes, so it'd take something particularly heinous- say, a remake of Martyrs starring Lady Gaga and Kim Kardashian- to get me all riled up. Even then, though, I think I'd run out of steam pretty quickly. After all, I've seen some of the crappiest remakes to ever crap a crap, and yet...here I am. My love for the original films continues unabated. The moon continues to wax and wane, my haircuts continue to mystify even myself. I just don't see the point of frothing over it beyond an initial ARE YOU KIDDING ME NOOOOOO. Then it's back to Thanksgiving leftovers, you know?

The choice has been chosen

Thanks for all the Film Club suggestions posted both here and on the Final Girl Facebook page. You guys have the best taste, I swear! But this month, there can only be one movie and that movie is...

La residencia (aka Finishing School, aka The House That Screamed)

It's a SHOCKtober placer, having appeared at #301 on the list of films that have scared you the most, and at #229 on your list of favorites. Therefore it's been on my radar for years. Therefore, the time has come. And the whole damn thing is on The YouTubes, so you have no excuses. Give it a watch. Write something up or join the discussion or both! See why everyone* raves about the Final Girl Film Club.

The movie: La residencia

The due date: Tuesday, December 17

The deal: 

1. watch the movie

2. link to Final Girl somewhere in your review

3. email me the link: stacieponder at gmail dot com

4. bask in the warm embrace of your fellow Film Clubbers

If you wrote a review of the film previously, that's totally fine. Just add a link to Final Girl in there somewhere and send it along.

*no one

A call to arms!

So I'm sitting here having the darndest time- THE DARNDEST TIME I SAY- deciding what the next Film Club selection should be. The last couple of weeks have been largely movie-free for me, and now I don't know what I feel like. Supernatural? Classic? Slasher? Something I've seen already? Italian? I just can't figure out my feels.

Help me out! List some suggestions in the comments and we'll see what shakes out. While I can research and find out how readily available a movie might be, I do implore you: consult my reviews list before naming a film to see if I've already written about it.

Here is a picture of the late Macdonald Carey of television's Days of Our Lives to reward you in advance for your efforts.

Wow, a free movie!

So check it out. As some of you may recall, once upon a time I wrote and directed a little horror movie called Ludlow. It was on DVD for a while, but now it is out of print. But DVDs are so last century, amirite? Now you can just download the movie! Hooray. And in hooray-ier news, you can download it and pay what you want! If you want to pay nothing, pay nothing. If you want to pay a dollar, pay a dollar. If you want to pay nothing now and a dollar later, pay nothing now and a dollar later. If you want to pay a dollar now and ten dollars later...oh man, according to my science calculator, the possibilities are endless. Here's the link to download it at Gumroad, yay! And here's the teaser trailer.


I don't know if it's any good, but maybe it's not terrible for being shot in like two days with a crew of one and a budget of about $200. And it's free, so what's the harm? At the least, you'll probably like the terrific soundtrack courtesy of James M. Barry. If you want to read a couple of reviews and check out some making of blog posts I wrote, here you go. Movies, amirite?

PATRICK WILSON STANDING CLUELESSLY IN FRONT OF A SCARY THING - a film by James Wan