Fango-a-go-go

Hey, lady. YOU, lady- cursing at your life. You're a discontented mother and a regimented wife, right? I've no doubt you dream about the things you'll never do...but, I wish someone had talked to me like I wanna talk to you..............

Kids, I've got two tickets to paradise Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors in Los Angeles to giveaway and you- yes, YOU, lady- could be a lucky winner! Getting yourself to "me", however, is up to you entirely.

Is any of this making sense? Sorry. It's, like, negative fifty in the morning it's so early. Are you saying to yourself "LADY?, Why, I'm no lady! I'm an outie, not an innie!"? Or maybe "LADY? Why, I'm no lady! I curse like a fucking sailor!" Well, don't worry, fellas and fellow swear mongerers, we're all ladies here at Final Girl. Maybe this site should be called Final Lady.

Holy crap, this is what happens when I start typing before I'm fully awake.

BUT! It's entirely true. I've got 2 tickets to Fango to giveaway. The lucky winners will find themselves the proud owners of weekend general admission passes to Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors In Los Angeles. How rad is that? The con is April 25-27 and there's a frickin' sweet lineup and there'll be crap to buy as far as the eye can see. I'll be there and I will be so fucking square you don't even know- I'm already airing out my springtime convention muumuu.

Read all about the con RIGHT HERE or click to embiggen the pics below. Check out some of these names!



George Romero! Clive Barker! Danielle Harris! Judith O'Dea! How cool is it that Jenette Goldstein (Near Dark, Aliens) is gonna be there? I totally wanna meet her, although I'm kind of afraid she'll try to use me as a pull-up bar or something.

Alright. To enter in the FABULOUS FANGO-A-GO-GO TICKET GIVEAWAY EXTRAVAGANZA, simply send me an email at stacieponder@gmail.com with FANGO in the subject line. I'll be drawing the 2 winner names at random, but ego-stroking and butt-kissing are always welcome regardless. Send the email by the 11:59pm PST, Monday April 14. Winners will be announced here and will be the envy of all of their friends and fellow FG readers.

Good luck, ladies!

*edited for clarification: I'll be drawing two names and each winner will get ONE general admission pass. That way, more readers win! More winners = more winners! Huzzah!

blecch

Anyone who has known me for a while can tell you at least two things about me: 1) that my 8th-grade school dance DJing skills were unparalleled (middle schoolers could not cope with the mad- MAD I TELLS YA- awesome power combo of The Violent Femmes, Stacey Q, and Loudness), and 2) I dig abandoned buildings.

While the latter factoid actually has some bearing on horror movies, I'm going to now post the video for Loudness's "Crazy Night" because it's infinitely more entertaining- and rockin', natch- than the movie I've got to review.



Now then, about The Sick House (coming to a DVD shelf near you on March 18). Gina Philips (Jeepers Creepers) is Anna, an archaeologist in London excavating a 17th century plague hospital. Yes, she's simply "Anna"- you know, like Cher or Fabio or JohnJacobJingleheimerSchmidt. At any rate, when some plague...spores or something or other are found at the site, it's deemed sort of deadly and hazardous and it's sealed off. Anna, however, is all, like, "Pssht, nuh uh! I ain't not diggin'!" and reenters the toxic site one dark and not-at-all stormy night before the hospital is demolished for good.

Little does she know, the Bubonic fucking Plague isn't the worst thing Anna will unleash that night! See, earlier we learned all about plague doctors and the "Cult of the Black Priest". These nasty dudes would actually sacrifice the plague-y children they were supposed to be saving all in a mad bid for...uh, power, I guess. Their motives are never really explained. But no matter! Anna falls into the remains of an orphanage which is located under the plague hospital, which is located under a regular abandoned hospital...uh, I guess. Sorry, I was completely confused as to where these places were in relation to each during the entire course of the film.

But no matter! Some drunken louts end up in the hospital as well, they contract the plague, they don't contract the plague, they run from the Plague Doctor, chalk drawings on the walls can survive for over 300 years, the building somehow catches on fire, and it all ends with a twist (OF FUCKING COURSE) that prompted this discussion as the credits began:

"Whaaaat?"
"That made no sense. Like, zero."
"So wait...what?"
"Fuck that shit."

I really wanted to like The Sick House. The subject matter was right up my alley. The Plague Doctors, when I could see them, were sufficiently creepy. The acting was better than can be expected from a straight-to-DVD effort- in particular I'd say that Gina Philips did a great job with what little she was given in terms of the script. There's some cringe-inducing gore, but again- it was so dark that it wasn't as effective as it should have been.

Given my love of old abandoned buildings, I would have liked The Sick House, even despite the 'tardo twist, if I could have seen what the fuck was going on for 98% of the film. Notice there are no screen caps with this review? That's because the pics would be nothing but a big square of dark blue and black and a barely-discernable shape. If it wasn't the darkness, then it was the jump cuts. I swear, I spent so much time trying to make out the on-screen happenings ("Wait, who was...did he just- where--oh, I guess he fell down the stairs?") that it actually started to make me angry. I don't want to be angry while I'm watching a movie. Actually, I don't ever want to be angry. I want to live in a world of happiness and kittens and lollipops where I can see people oozing grossness from their Bubonic Plague-induced sores while they're being chased by an evil doctor wearing a scary bird mask whose only thought is kill kill kill. That's what I want. Is that so much to ask?

awesome movie poster friday- the JAPANESE KICK ASS edition!

Japanese poster design is so good that I find myself wanting to see movies that stink.

Japanese poster design is so good that they make non-horror movies look scary.

Japanese poster design is so good!

things about which to talk

From the other people write better than I do department:

The inimitable Kim Morgan has written a piece over at MSN detailing why Nosferatu is her favorite vampire. Sayeth La Morgan:

Poetic, horrifying and innovative compositions, atmospheric evil and the transformative powers of an actor appearing as walking death can chill our bones equally, if not more — particularly in the hands of a master. Such is the power of Murnau’s expressionistic silent-screen classic “Nosferatu,” a milestone in vampire cinema and a movie so creepy that its images linger in your mind long after you’ve soaked in its sinister magic.

It's a wonderful piece, and frankly it makes me feel as if I wrote nothing more than "Him are scary doy doy pointy!" back when I wrote about das vampyre back in October. Morgan's piece is part of some MSN Cadillac promotion or something or other where people are supposed to vote for their favorite onscreen bloodsucker; read about fellow nominees Near Dark and Spanish-language Dracula, then go vote and discuss. What, no Christopher Lee? Feh.

Oh, and buy a Cadillac! Nosferatu commands you!


From the you knew it had to happen department:

Man, right after posted my Michael Bay remakes and the subsequent punching of kittens poll comes news that Bay's Platinum Dunes is remaking Rosemary's Baby. JA's got the scoop over at My New Plaid Pants, and he's gone sufficiently apoplectic enough for the both of us. It's obvious that the world of horror movies is becoming one giant mobius strip, where every film is going to be remade and remade until the end of time; I can't really care any more. The remakes may or may not suck, as can be said about the originals. The new will not detract from my love of the old. I do like to note the differences between the version, however- such as with the upcoming April Fool's Day remake, which seems to bear no resemblance to the original- and marvel at the studio reasoning that dictates "Changing the content completely but keeping the title and calling it a 'remake' is way better than creating something entirely new", because that makes absolutely no sense to me. It's also a sort of masochistic fun to see how many corpses Platinum Dunes will desecrate.

From the see you next Tuesday department:

The PS2 version of Silent Hill: Origins hits streets today. I traded in enough old crappy games to get it for free, so SH:O and I are going to spend a little quality time together. Gawd, I hope it likes me back...I made it a mixtape!


From the gratuitous Flo department:

i am just saying

Old kicks new's ass. Discuss.

I do love Danielle Harris, though.

...but where's the Master of Unlocking?

Months after everyone in the world has forgotten about it, I finally managed to catch Resident Evil: Extinction. I found it to be a bit like a pink, polka-dotted shortbus made out of candy, full of zombie passengers. In other words...other words that might make slightly more sense, a popcorny good time. Sure, it's ridiculous and it cribs from quite a few superior films...but it's nothing if not turn-your-brain-off style fun. I was gonna say that you really can't go wrong with Milla Jovovich doing crazy stunts and kicking ass, but then I remembered Resident Evil: Apocalypse which, in fact, went very, very wrong. Like, I'm punching myself in the face because it's way more enjoyable than this movie wrong. I guess I should be thankful that Extinction didn't make me want to hurt myself at all.

"The Bomb", as the kids say

What really got me jazzed, though, was found on the DVD's special features: a trailer for Resident Evil: Degeneration, a CG movie due out sometime this year. Degeneration is set in the world of the games- in fact, it takes place 7 years after the events of Resident Evil 2 and 3 and features (at least) Leon and Claire. It's enough to give my geeky, Resident Evil-lovin' heart the palpitations! Where's my fainting couch?



I do not care one whit- not one whit, I say- that it's all computer generated; quite frankly, it's got me more excited than 96.4% of the horror movie trailers currently circulating on the airwaves, which is awesome. It's also rad that Capcom is throwing a bone to all the nerds of the world who have seen the RE movies and can't get over that they're not like the games.

Tentative release date: October 2008
Tentative Final Girl sports big stupid grin date: October 2008

awesome movie poster friday- the WILLIAM GIRDLER edition!

I nabbed most of these images from a wicked sweet William Girdler fansite I just discovered. I don't know why more horror-schlock fans aren't turned onto him.

Something Is Out There is the title under which Day of the Animals was rereleased after Girdler died. The alternate title and the accompanying poster don't actually tell you shit about the movie.

Attention comic nerds: the artwork for the first Grizzly poster (with the chick sitting by the fire) is by the great Neal Adams. Thrill your friends with your newfound trivia prowess!

"Warning: not for the bloody mary for lunch bunch!" is just plain awesome. And true!

diminishing returns

I try as best I can to shy away from posting useless news item after useless news item about films in production (or pre-production, as the case may be). Sometimes tidbits get me amped and I don't want to spoil anything for myself (see: Silent Hill), and sometimes there's simply an information overload as new, pointless minutiae is released daily on MySpace or something (see: Rob Zombie's Halloween). Either way, the less I know, the better- and speculation is just an exercise in frustration until you see the finished product.

Sometimes, though, you just say to yourself...COME ON.


Today, Bloody-Disgusting posted some (alleged) details about...sigh...The De2cent, the forthcoming sequel to Neil Marshall's caving-expedition-gone-awry flick you may have heard of before. I mean, it's not like I've ever mentioned it before. But anyway, back in the heady days of July the film was announced and I did a bit of ruminating on the plot possibilities:

Will another group of hapless cavers get trapped and eaten underground? Will a group of paramilitary commandos head into the caves to do battle with the crawlers? Will the crawlers emerge from the dark depths and wreak havoc above ground? Will they try to assimilate in a wacky fish-out-of-water style comedy? The possibilities are endless!

Rumor has it that the creators of The De2cent (man, I hate typing that) are taking the Aliens approach. Quoth the B-D:

Shauna Macdonald's character of Sarah returns as a rescue crew finds her and takes her back into the cave to find survivors - where terror ensues once again. We've also been tipped that in the sequel you'll get to see "little" cave monsters in action.

I just...I can't...I have to remember to breathe. Who knows what the film will be when all is said and done? Still...I have to say...I'm not terribly excited beyond the fact that Shauna Macdonald rocked the house in the first film and I'll be happy to see her on screen again. But...it kind of defies all logic, doesn't it? Even Ripley didn't want to go back into the fire- is Sarah, who's a tad bit completely cuckoo nutso at the end of The Descent, really going to return to the cave to look for survivors- especially considering that she knows that all her friends are dead and there are no survivors? Ah, well. Again, speculating like this is an exercise in frustration.

However, what little we know for sure doesn't bode well either, at least in my opinion. It was known from the get-go that Neil Marshall wouldn't be directing, but now it seems he won't be writing, either. And supposedly Lionsgate isn't interested in distributing the film, which kind of boggles the mind. Wasn't The Descent a success for them? Given some of the shit that Lionsgate does distribute, their turning it down is a big red flag. Yet again, speculating like this is an exercise in frustration, and we'll just have to wait and see. These tidbits, however, are leaving me decidedly unamped.

bring it

Scarecrow movies are a real crap shoot. For every good, effective one, like Dark Night of the Scarecrow, there's a total- and I do mean total- stinkfest like Hallowed Ground. I watched it and it so made me want to kill myself that I couldn't even muster up the energy to write a scathing review; I could only take solace in the fact that star Jaime Alexander looked like she wanted to kill herself, as well.

One scarecrow flick I've been itchin' to see forever is the 1988 cult sensation Scarecrows. Long unavailable and long rumored to awesome and- gasp- scary, Scarecrows is available on DVD...which means it's prime Film Club material.

VHS cover vs. DVD cover: the battle continues

Here's the skinny, courtesy o' Netflix:

After pulling off a major heist, a group of ex-military outlaws commandeer a plane for their getaway. But when one of the group betrays them by parachuting out with the cash, the rest follow -- and find themselves in the middle of a nightmare. They take shelter in an abandoned farmhouse set in a cornfield, where sinister scarecrows soon come to life and start taking them out one by one in this spine-chilling cult classic.

Awww yeah. I'm so ready- this selection can't get here quickly enough!

The film: Scarecrows
The due date: Monday, March 24

Film Club: The Manitou

Oh, William Girdler, how I miss you and your work. Grizzly, Day of the Animals, Abby (or I as like to call it, The Blaxxorcist), Three on a Meathook, The Manitou...in a mere 6 years you delivered a lifetime's worth of horror schlock. What would you have given the world had your life not been cut tragically short in a helicopter crash? I can only dream!

The key word of that paragraph, of course, is "schlock". Schlock certainly isn't to everyone's tastes, and it's not usually...well, good. If there's one thing you can say about Girdler's cinematic output, however, it's that he brought us schlock con gusto. You might not actually enjoy The Manitou, say, but chances are you've never seen anything quite like it and you probably never will again. To that notion you might say "Well thank fucking Christ for that", while I myself say "Oh, William Girdler, how I miss you and your work".

Poor Karen Tandy (Susan Strasberg) wakes up one day to find some sort of lump on her back- a tumor or something that not only grows at a ridiculously fast rate, but also "kind of moves sometimes". Can I get an "Eww!" up in here?

Her ex-boyfriend Harry (Tony Curtis) is a sham psychic who spends his days bilking gullible, needy old ladies out of their dough by giving Tarot readings whilst decked out in a fake moustache and a fancy zodiac-laden robe. Harry is drawn into Karen's drama when a client, Mrs Herz (Lurene Tuttle)...uh, when Mrs Herz starts chanting the same nonsense Karen has been chanting at night and then...Mrs Herz screams, floats down a hallway, and throws herself headlong down a flight of stairs. As you can imagine, the scene is fucking awesome.




Seriously, I was clapping like a simpleton for, like, ten minutes.

Doctors determine that Karen's tumor isn't a tumor at all- it's actually a fetus. It's a fetus, growing on her back. Now, I've got nothing against motherhood whatsoever- I mean, if my mother wasn't into motherhood then...you know...chances are I wouldn't be here. If you want to have a baby, go for it. Me? I'm not at all interested in having a baby grow where it's supposed to grow, never mind growing on my fucking back. I would have been shrieking "Get it off me!" every second of every day until the thing was gone gone gone.

Karen is pretty much on my wavelength; the problem is, every time the doctors attempt to remove the thing, the fetus-tumor-lump wreaks havoc in the operating room. A surgeon cuts himself with the scalpel, a surgical laser starts zapping all over the place...it seems that the fetus-tumor-lump is on Karen's back to stay.

Harry seeks advice and aid in all manner of places in his quest to de-lumpify his lady love. He and his sham psychic colleague Amelia (Stella Stevens, all gypsy-fied in what is, essentially, black face lite) hold a seance at Karen's Aunt's house in an attempt to figure out what's going on. Despite a crazy light show and a weirdo-melty dude rising from the table, the gang doesn't learn much. Meanwhile, I learn that I can come up with a good number of Elizabeth Taylor jokes to make at Ann Sothern's expense, so all is not lost.

The Scooby Gang then hits up Dr Snow (Burgess Meredith), a cranky professor of something or other who, in one of his books, once mentioned a Native American medicine man being birthed out of a tumor on someone's arm or some shit. Seriously, by this point logic is your enemy; don't fight it- just go with it.

Dr Snow suggests that The Scooby Gang get their own Native American to do battle with the medicine man that's going to burst out of Karen any minute now, so Harry enlists the aid of John Singing Rock (Michael Ansara), who reluctantly agrees to do said battle.

At that point, I made a joke about John Singing Rock not being called John Singing Rock anymore because he's too old...now, he's called John Singing Adult Contemporary. I don't know if it's a good joke or not, but you can feel free to steal it when you show The Manitou to all your friends.

So. John Singing Rock and Harry head to the hospital to save Karen and the world, the medicine man busts a move out of Karen's back...and that's when things get weird. What, you thought it was already weird? You ain't seen nothin' yet, honey.

The last 20 minutes of The Manitou really need to be seen to be believed- any attempt at explanation is sure to fall miserably short, but let's say it's somewhat akin to sitting in a 1970's era Spencer's Gifts which turns into a kaliedoscope before your very eyes and then the kaliedoscope explodes. There's a dude in a lizard suit, the worst fake ice you'll ever hope to see, a jacked-up medicine man midget, decapitations, typewriters with souls, and a naked Susan Strasberg sitting on a floating bed shooting lasers at a big eye. Sometimes, my friends, all is right with the world.



It's pure madness, I tells ya. The Manitou makes no sense from the get-go, but then, somehow, by the time it's over it ends up making even less sense. I suppose you could glean some kind of science vs religion argument out of the whole thing, but really, what's the point? Again, just go with it.

And really, if elderly people floating down hallways and naked women shooting lasers at jacked-up midgets aren't reason enough to make you want to cram The Manitou down your pants, then it's obvious that you have no soul.

Oh, William Girdler, how I miss you and your work.

Film Club Coolies, y'all!

Look Back in Anger
Kindertrauma
Anchorwoman in Peril!
Meg Wood's Boyfriends in the News
Aphorisms and Ectoplasm
Askewed Views
Bloody Mary