take a hike, Migrant Mother

Is this the greatest photograph ever taken in the history of ever? I think I'd have to answer "fuck yeah!"

Vampira + Packard = Bliss.

Maila Nurmi (1921-2008)

Nabbed from The Exploding Kinetoscope.

28 sentences later

Julia Roberts winning that Oscar for Erin Brockovich (over Ellen Burstyn for Requiem for a Dream) (which is simply one of the most amazing performances by anyone in anything in the history of ever) (I'm just saying) turned me into a cold-hearted snake with regards to awards. Oh, sure, we all know awards are suspect- particularly when it comes to declaring one piece of art "the best", but sometimes the sheer wrongness of it all (Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction? Really?) makes me want to get a tattoo on my forearm: a big anchor with the words FUCK AWARDS written around it in fancy cursive script.

That said, I should probably point out that any time I win an award, it's totally and completely well-deserved, like when I won the French Award in high school. And no, unfortunately I didn't win the French Award in the Kissing Division- that honor went to Alisha J...that whore!

My point is, when 28 Weeks Later won "Best Horror Film" at the Scream Awards, I reacted with a resounding "meh". When you all voted it "Best Horror Film of 2007" in a recent poll here at Final Girl, I reacted with a resounding "Jesus, can't I get some GD readers who aren't total crackheads?"

And then, the other night, I finally watched the damn thing.

I don't know why it took me so long to get around to seeing it. Maybe it's because I loved the first one- how could the sequel match up, particularly considering that the writing/directing team of the first (Danny Boyle and Alex Garland) weren't to be found in the second? And...you know...it's a sequel. Diminishing returns and all that.

Let's just say that I owe everyone who voted it "Best of '07" a big "Gee, I'm sorry I doubted you". Don't let this humble apology go to your head, however. It should be noted that I still find your fashion choices dubious at best. But honey, your taste in horror films is simply divine!

28 Weeks Later is paced so frenetically that it makes me want to bust out some primo Peter Travers-style movie-poster-worthy- yet-trite-and-shitty-one-liners: It's a non-stop, action-packed thrill-ride! 28 Weeks Later goes for the throat and doesn't let up! It's a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride you'll never forget! You'll be so scared you'll punch your gramma!

It's highly possible, even, that I liked it more than I liked the original. It was much more gory and, to my surprise, much more moving. The opening sequence left me feeling that all bets were off, and by the end of the film I was proven right; it's wonderful to go into a horror film only to realize that you can't know what to expect.

Virtually the entire zombie subgenre is rife with political and social commentary (let's not debate the use of the word 'zombie', okay? that argument is so 2002) and 28 Weeks Later is no exception. I like my horror with a little meat on its bones, to be sure- but here it didn't really matter. I was so damn wrapped up in the goings-on that I was simply enjoying that (white-knuckle roller-coaster) ride. Yeah, there are a few plot holes, a claim to which I react with a resounding "BFD".

I loved this film so much that I think I need to reconsider the text on that anchor tattoo. Maybe I'll change it to say FUCK JULIA ROBERTS.

It's that time again...

...time to choose another Film Club selection! The hills are alive with resounding 'huzzah!'s, I can tell. Film Club Fever will be at a record high as soon as the title of the next choice is revealed, I can assure you.

I'm revealing it....NOW!

Yes, my babies, it's The Manitou (1978), the film that brings together Tony Curtis, Burgess Meredith, and Stella Stevens to tell the story of...the story of...well...

When Karen (Susan Strasberg) tries to have a tumor removed, she discovers it's actually the deformed fetus of an ancient Native American shaman ready to be reincarnated. Soon, the evil spirit bursts forth, and Karen turns to a sham psychic (Tony Curtis) and a contemporary medicine man (Michael Ansara) for a showdown with the murderous creature.

I've been assured it's the best movie ever. I can't fucking wait to see it.

Clicken ze Netflix if you so desire. It's been somewhat recently released on DVD, so hopefully it'll be easy-ish to find. This selection can't get here fast enough...sometimes life is goooood, I tells ya.

The film: The Manitou
The due date: February 25

Film Club: Suspiria

Regarding Dario Argento's Suspiria (1977), I must say that there's a part of me that wants to write something along the lines of

Suspiria is a bit like taking a big bowl of sticky ribbon candy, tossing in a bit of red paint and LSD, and cramming it directly into your brain.

and simply leave it at that. After all, it's a film that needs to be experienced rather than read about, isn't it? Who cares what I have to say about it? Just go watch it.

I suppose, however, that I can't get away with that, if only because I cajoled some of you into watching the thing and writing abut it yourselves. With great power comes great responsibility, I guess...and sometimes, free booze!

The plot, as such, is completely secondary to the film as art piece; in the wrong hands, that approach has "pretentious disaster" written all over it. Argento, like his contemporaries David Cronenberg, John Carpenter, and George Romero, is a true horror maestro and Suspiria is nothing short of a visual masterpiece. These men all have hits and misses in their filmographies, but no one can deny that each film they produce bears the indelible mark of the man who created it.

If you're all, like, "But I need to know what happens!", then fine. Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) is a new student at a prestigious at a German ballet school. Suzy's an American dancer, and this stranger soon finds herself in very fucking strange land. Students who displease the teachers and staff- particularly harsh instructor Miss Tanner (Alida Valli), who looks to be straight outta Caged Heat or something- disappear. Maggots appear, weird-looking people abound, and Suzy falls ill. Just what the hell is going on at Tamm Academy? "Maybe there's a hex on the place," one student opines. Girl, if you only knew!

Sure, there's some gobbledy-gook about witches and their witchy ways, but if you want to get the most out of Suspiria, you're going to have to turn off your Logic Meter and simply allow the film to assault your senses. It's absolutely exquisite, unsettling, and beautiful to behold. Every single frame of this film feels like a work of art, and it's quite unlike anything else I've ever seen. The only other horror film that even comes close, I think, in the amount of deliberate framing and design is Stanley Kubrick's The Shining. Mirrors, water, glass, colors...I don't really have the words to describe the experience of watching this movie. "Durrrr mrrrffff, it's so purty!" is about all that I can muster.

Audio plays almost as large a role as visual in Suspiria- I don't think Goblin has ever produced a more unnerving (yet somehow...danceable) score. Synthesizers and layered voices combine to create an atmosphere that's taut and yes, frightening. And I don't think an emphysema-style snore has ever sounded quite so terrifying.

All this art and stuff is fine, but how does Suspiria work as a horror film? Again, if you allow yourself to be swept up in the mood, it works quite well. It's all a bit like a dark Alice in Wonderland; of course, I find Alice- even the Disney version- to be more than a little nightmare-inducing. From the moment Suzy steps out of the airport in Berlin (in the film's opening moments), she leaves the normal world and enters the paranormal...no, that's not quite right. The supernormal? It's almost unnoticeable at first, but she's stepped through the looking glass and entered a world where logic has no place (a room full of razor wire? at a ballet school? that must be for the advanced classes or something.) and witches exist. Argento's visual style is the perfect match for this fairytale kind of storytelling.

There's also a few straight-up Grand Guignol set pieces that are as brutal as they are operatic. They're virtually impossible to describe in any way that can accurately relate the impact they have on the viewer, but that's probably for the best. Again, see it, don't read about it.

My first thought upon finishing the film was "I can't wait to watch that again." I have a feeling that I'll say that every time I watch it.


Film Club Coolies, y'all!

$7 Popcorn
Kindertrauma
Aphorisms and Ectoplasm
Craig Moorhead
The Winding Way
Emma Blackwood
Evil on Two Legs
The Horror Section
Cinevistaramascope
The Film School Dropout
Askewed Views

They're dead...they're all messed up.

In an attempt to use my newborn MySpace page for something besides hooking up with hot chicks who "love to have sex" and will "do anything" on their webcams because they are "so horny", so long as I spend $347298/minute nothing, I wrote a little thingy over there regarding the trailer for George Romero's Diary of the Dead. So, I don't know, go over there and read it and comment. Or stay here and comment. Or don't do anything. See if I care!

Gawd, why are you always such a jerk?

awesome movie poster friday- the FRIDAY THE 13th edition!

Part 3 ftw!

VHS zeitgeist

This morning I walked by my big honkin' movie shelf thing and spotted a lineup of films on VHS that made me pause. Yes, pause. I looked and thought...wow. Wow, that's a whole lotta sweet right there in that little section. I mean, see for yourself!

In the last couple of years I've re-become a bit of a VHS junkie, scooping up as many old horror titles as I can. I'm sad to say that there's a part of the love that has to do simply with the format itself. Is it the fact that VHS has gone the way of the dodo? Do I fancy myself some sort of archivist? Do I simply like the box art? Am I attempting to recapture bits of my youth, those heady days before Blockbuster and the homogenization of the home video market? I spent so many hours at New England Home Video, poring over clamshell boxes, working up the courage to rent a movie that would surely drive me stark raving mad, and it just doesn't feel the same in the age of the DVD.

Maybe I'm attaching too much sentimentality to the medium and not enough to the message. I mean, the movie itself is the thing, isn't it? Surely April Fool's Day looks better on DVD- why am I so loathe to replace my VHS copy? Suddenly it feels like I'm one of those people forever trapped in high school because it was the best time evarrrrrr- it's difficult to talk about the here and now with them, for all they want to do is reminisce about that time So-and-So pissed his pants at the bonfire.

But dammit, movies used to be more of an experience- for me, anyway. Now there's instant access to virtually everything; movies can be bought on the street for a few dollars before they've even left the theatre, clips can be easily found online, and there's an information overload a mouse click away. What's missing, though, is the tactile.

The same can be said about music. Buying a record, pulling out the inner sleeve, reading every lyric and liner note, flipping it over after five songs...really spending time with it and getting to know an album are a thing of the past thanks to digital downloads. I've got albums...well, I can't really call them "albums" because I don't have anything but the songs on my iPod...for which I have no idea what the key artwork looks like. Obviously it doesn't change the music itself and buying stuff on iTunes instead of at the store is a choice. But...I don't know. I don't know why seeing those movies on my shelf has made me all wistful, either. You'll probably think I'm insane or maybe you'll get it...most likely depending on your age and how often you hug your media before bedtime. At any rate, I'd better lay off before I feel any older.

In other news, what's up with the way kids wear their pants nowadays?

like, stuff and stuff

I have nothing pertinent to address today, so I figured I'd use this opportunity to show you some stuff. WOW CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT?

When I'm not writing for Final Girl or doing noble things for The Children, I enjoy engaging in various hobbies, such as pointing out old people on the street or painting. The former is something we must do together live and in person, but as to the latter, well, I can show you the fruits of my labors right here and now! WOW CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT? Here's some paintings I done did- all are acrylics on 12" x 12" canvas. For you trivia nuts out there, '12" x 12" ' is also known as a "square".








That dingy yellow-looking color is actually white...it's Monday and I'm far too lazy to tweak these photos in PhotoShop. Anyway, I think Christopher Lee is my favorite.

In other WOW CAN YOU FEEL THE EXCITEMENT? news...

SIIIIIGH. I have no idea what I'll do with it or how long it will last, but there you go. Make with the addening!

awesome movie poster friday- THE DESCENT edition!

I was intending to do a 'posters from some of my favorite movies' edition, but when I came across 7 different posters for The Descent, I decided it should probably have its own special day. So there.









Thanks to JA (aka The Man) for that last one!

foreign relations

Did you know that they make movies in languages other than English? I know, I know...I had no idea either! According to my brand new 2008 Fact-A-Day desk calendar, however, it's entirely true.

It seems serendipitous*, then, that I stumbled on the trailer for the new Norwegian horror flick Rovdyr on the very day I learned this startling fact. The film seems to be about a group of teenagers who travel via van into the woods for one reason or another, wherein they are set upon by some woodsy-types intent on doing them harm. I know, I know...but it's not a remake!

See the trailer for yourself.

What I almost find the most interesting is the teeny-tiny logo for Lee Jeans in the bottom left corner of the poster. It's just not right, somehow.




*Yes, 'serendipitous'. Last year I had a Word-A-Day desk calendar!

Le Year in le Review

My, my, my. As you may have noticed, 2007 is almost over...which, according to my calculations, means that 2008 is almost ready to begin. It's time for resolutions and year-end lists, huzzah! I've only got two resolutions this year: 1) Be more awesome, and 2) avoid anything having to do with Paul Reiser. You might think these aren't terribly challenging resolutions- not like your average New Year's rezzies such as quitting smoking or losing 300 pounds. Rest assured, however, that I will struggle throughout 2008 to reach these seemingly humble goals. I mean, as to resolution #1...I totally know what you're thinking: is it even possible for me to be more awesome? And regarding resolution #2...I'd say it'd be a cakewalk, but at some point I'll probably be struck with the urge to watch Aliens. What's a Paul Reiser-avoider/Aliens-lover to do? Life is full of difficult, difficult choices, and that will be no exception.

Now, don't you go thinking I'm not cliched enough to bust out a year-end list type post, because I totally am. Indeed, it's time for the...

Final Girl Year in Review Dazzling Spectacular Event of Note!

JANUARY: Ah, January...the cruelest month. The heinous-osity of the Black Christmas remake was balanced out by the first-ever Animals Run Amok Week as well as Children Hate You Week. The Film Club was but wee that month, but those of us who soldiered through caught the simply marvelous Daphne Zuniga-flavored slasher The Initiation. Wait, the cruelest month? I think I meant the coolest month!

• Review of the month: Black Christmas

• Quote of the month: "Thankfully, however, Cameron gets his Emperor Palpatine on and has a "spectacular" showdown with the demon in pure 80's Spencer Gifts fashion." - Cameron's Closet review

• Photo of the month:

FEBRUARY: Oh so short yet oh so sweet, looking back, I must say that February kind of rocked. I saw some films that filled my heart with glee and saw some films that filled (and continue to fill) my heart with rage (I swear to G.O.D., if I ever see you on the street, The Cavern, you'd better run for your life); the Film Club got all highbrow with The Exorcist; there was Defenestration Week, and my love affair with The Descent got all ten kinds of analyze-y.

• Review of the month: Gnaw: Food of the Gods 2

• Quote of the month: "I give it 4.5 out of 10 maybe next Piper Perabo and Lena Headey should team up in an antagonistic buddy-cop flick, where Piper Perabo plays a feisty, hardened NYPD detective who’s recently lost her partner in a shoot-out with a scum-sucking drug dealer and Lena Headey plays her new partner, an uptight British import. They don’t get along, of course, and Piper Perabo calls Lena Headey some name like “Buckingham” (for the Palace, natch) and Lena Headey will scold Piper Perabo for going against regulations and breaking the rules. Then the movie will kinda ripoff Ladykillers (starring Marilu Henner and Thomas Calabro) and the duo will have to investigate a series of murders at an exclusive Chippendales-style strip joint, that way there could be lots of musical numbers wherein screaming ladies wave dollar bills at breakdancing cowboys. Eventually the girls solve the crime and bag the perp, Lena Headey has learned something about New York bagels, Piper Perabo has learned something about clotted cream, and they’re not only partners but they’re also now besties. The film ends with a freeze-frame of a high-five and “Paradise City” by Guns-n-Roses starts blaring over the credits. Oh yeah, and they make outs." -The Cave review

• Photo of the month:

MARCH: Given that there are 31 days in the month and I only managed 13 posts, it's obvious that I've got a "fuck March!" kind of attitude. I'm don't exactly remember what my beef is with March, but I'm sure it was acting like a jerk or something. Anyway, quantity and quality are two different things, no? Oh, what a great movie-watching couple of weeks they were! The Film Club caught the supernatural war flick Deathwatch... Bubba totally didn't do it in the made-for-TV slasher Dark Night of the Scarecrow... Ed Neal and Marilyn Burns wore lots of eye makeup in Future-Kill... and blah blah blah.

• Review of the month: House of the Dead

• Quote of the month: "That’s got to be the most retarded showdown in the history of ever and I can’t believe it actually happened, but I saw it with my very own eyes." -The Hitcher 2 review

• Photo of the month:

APRIL: Holy frickin' crap, April was AWESOME. I met Marilyn Burns; Moustaches of Horror were on parade; Kari Wuhrer Mania '07 was in full swing; more animals were running amok than ever before; thanks to the Film Club I finally caught Prince of Darkness...in fact, with the exception of the death of director Bob Clark, I'd have to say that April kicked beaucoup ass.

• Review of the month: Nigh impossible to choose but one...but let's say The Swarm.

• Quote of the month: "I mean, you'd be surprised how often "I can smell your cunt" comes up in the course of a week." -from that post where I answered some questions

• Photo of the month: Man, this was hard to choose. April Fools? More like April RULES.
  

MAY: Oo-eee, May sure was craptacular...craptacular in the best way possible, that is. Between Slash Dance, Knight Chills, and Incubus (featuring the first and thus far only haiku review here at Final Girl), it's a miracle I didn't gouge my eyes out at some point. As we all know, however, generally my pain means your pleasure as the worst movies make for the best reviews. Thankfully that triple threat of suck was balanced out by my hearting Wrong Turn and catching some other decent flicks.

• Review of the month: Knight Chills

• Quote of the month: "Or maybe, just maybe, they'll fart fire like super cockroaches do!" -from the review for Frogs

• Photo of the month:

JUNE: June was a bit lame despite the fact that it marked the anniversary of my birth. Final Girl Super Secret Clubhouse Headquarters underwent a massive change and posting was a bit light. The Film Club managed to cram in a viewing of The Innocents, but other than that movie-watching was virtually non-existent. I did, however, manage to ruminate on vampires, Curtains, and other bloggers, which is totally...worth...something.

• Review of the month: Kiss Daddy Goodbye

• Quote of the month: "I mean, when the kids are, like, staring at each other for a few minutes and there's nothing else going on and the kids are all stare stare stare, it was...well, you might not believe it but it was, like, only the most totally fucking exciting thing I've ever seen in a movie and, like, my shirt exploded because I was totally Hulking out with excitement and the little scraps of my shirt caught on fire as they fell to the living room floor because the air was like electric with excitement, you know?" -from Kiss Daddy Goodbye review

• Photo of the month:

JULY: Boy, with the misery of June behind us all, July came on all guns a-blazin' and cracka-lackin'! I posted some facts about myself that the world was simply dying to know, I lost my San Diego Comic Con cherry, I interviewed Alex Reid, the Film Club watched Behind the Mask (which virtually everyone but me enjoyed), I made a traileriffic list, and more than 25 people participated in the Friday the 13th Blog-a-Thon. Man, I'm still wiped out from all that awesome.

• Review of the month: The Fog (remake)

• Quote of the month: "If a tree falls in the forest and only Helen Keller is around, does it make a sound?" -review, Silent Scream

• Photo of the month:

AUGUST: August may be best known as the month in which I survived numerous brushes with death, but looking back at it there was so much more! Awesome Movie Poster Friday was born, I reviewed a Lifetime movie, I interviewed a bunch of people, reviewed a bunch of stuff, and I met Adrienne freakin' Barbeau. Go, August!

• Review of the month: not quite a review, exactly...just my hopes for the inevitable Exorcist remake.

• Quote of the month: "Those movies are perfect- you're only going to make yourself look like an asshole by remaking them." -Rob Zombie

• Photo of the month:

SEPTEMBER: At long last, I officially indulged in my love affair with killer doll/puppet movies with Hello, Dolly! Week; it seemed as if there were 463598 Awesome Movie Poster Fridays throughout the month; I made up some movie titles, and the Film Club checked out Halloween, a film I'm still trying to forget. You take the good, you take the bad, you take 'em both and there you have September.

• Review of the month: Pinocchio's Revenge

• Quote of the month: "Then in the sequel they can all go to space and something something the love of a little orphan girl will save the world." -from a random post about Kelly Hu

• Photo of the month:

OCTOBER: I'll be the first to admit that last October sort of fizzled out. I started strong, reviewing some of my most favoritest movies at a furious one-a-day pace, but then...I got busy. And I had a lot of work to do as well. HA HA HA did you get my double entendre there? Anyway, what I lacked in reviews I kinda made up for in...other stuff, like some awesome Awesome Movie Poster Fridays, a sweet Film Club choice, and some choice interviews (umm...I talked to Elmuthafuckinvira, y'all) and stuff, including one wherein I entered the magical world of "video". October ended up okay, right? Tell me you still love me!

• Review of the month: Creepshow

• Quote of the month: "In space, no one can hear your complaints!" -review, Event Horizon

• Photo of the month:

NOVEMBER: What a month of dizzying highs and depressing lows! I hit Post #500, the Film Club kicked ass with the Lauren Tewes-flavored Eyes of a Stranger, Amicus Week rocked the house, and Lame Week unrocked it. Throw in some wicked mega-packed Awesome Movie Poster Fridays and you've got yourself one sweet-ass November chowder.

No, that doesn't make sense.

• Review of the month: Eyes of a Stranger

• Quote of the month: "The lesson here is, if you're going to be crazy and have a homicidal imaginary friend, you'd might as well have a homicidal imaginary friend who looks like Britt Ekland." -review, Asylum

• Photo of the month:

DECEMBER: OMG, I totally remember December as if it were still happening! Isn't that weird? I must confess, December has been one of those months where I haven't much felt like watching anything; in fact, I only managed 2 real reviews and one sort-of review during the entire month! What a jerk. Oh well. Maybe I'll make a resolution that next December won't suck as bad. Or maybe not. I do what I feel like- you don't own me!

• Review of the month: Dogs

• Quote of the month: "It is obvious to me now that Joan Van Ark died five years ago and no one bothered to tell her." -from a random post about Joan Van Ark, whom I still love, living, dead, or undead!

• Photo of the month:

Well, there you have it...my super duper Final Girl Year in Review Dazzling Spectacular Event of Note. I hope you had as much fun reading these last 12 months as I had writing.

I hereby promise* to totally flip out and make 2008 the best year ever here at Final Girl. Up yours, 2007!





*I promise nothing