Ghost Week Day 1: Dominique

The 1978 supernatural thriller Dominique feels like an old, comfy sweater to me. It draws heavily upon the "comeuppance"-style stories of the old EC Comics to create a tale of revenge from beyond the grave by a spirit done wrong- a story we've all seen a million times. If you've ever watched or read Tales from the Crypt (or an episode of Scooby-Doo, for that matter), you'll know what's coming from miles away. Your reaction to Dominique would most likely hinge on how you feel about those kinds of plots; personally, I dig those types of stories immensely, for whatever reason. Maybe it's because I get to put my Nancy Drew hat on and solve the mystery while enjoying a few scares along the way.

Poor wealthy socialite Dominique (screen legend Jean Simmons). Ever since she fell down the stairs a year ago, she's been...not quite the same. In fact, she may even be going mad! She can't remember things like arguing with- and consequently firing- the chauffeur. At a party, a diamond brooch belonging to one of Dominique's friends ends up on one of Dominique's dresses- in the closet! And the klepto hostess doesn't recall stealing it! She hears voices, sees ghosts, and seems to be getting progressively worse, all to the dismay of her ice cold husband, the mustachioed David (Cliff Robertson of Spider-Man). After an encounter with a skeleton hanging from a noose in the conservatory, Dominique blames David for staging all of the bizarre events- she claims he's trying to drive her mad. Surprisingly (that's sarcastic, folks), he denies this, so Dominique goes to the new chauffeur Tony for help. He regretfully turns her down for fear of losing his job.

Dominique can't take the strain and soon ends up like that ol' skeleton, hanging by her neck in the conservatory.

Not long after she's buried, David begins to experience some odd occurrences...the piano plays Dominique's favorite tune, he hears her voice whispering his name, he hears footsteps, and he repeatedly sees her ghostly figure shuffling down the hallway leading from the site of her death.

A woman in black begins to follow him around, even during the day, planting herself outside of his office, staring up at him. Is that Dominique's face hidden in the robes? Oooo-eeee-ooooo!

David gets a call from the superintendent of the graveyard, letting him know there's been a delivery, of sorts, in the night. He heads down to Dominique's grave to see new his-n-hers headstones in place- the one marked DAVID listing his death as "SOON". Not cool! Later, he receives a letter- from Dominique!- that states ever-so-politely, "Looking forward to your joining me on October 25th". That's in a few days, and that's really not cool.

As you may have guessed, now it's David's turn to go mad. Convinced that she's not really dead, David pays Tony the chauffeur to dig up Dominique's body. When they pry open the coffin lid, there's nothing but stones inside. A-ha! David admits to Tony that yes, he was trying to drive his wife crazy (for the money, of course), and now it seems the tables have turned. The next day David demands an official exhumation to prove to the police (and everyone) that Dominique is still alive and trying to do him harm. When the coffin is opened this time, however, his dearly departed is lying there, dearly departed.

At long last the night of the 25th arrives, and here comes Dominique doing her undead shuffle bit down the hallway...only this time, she's wielding a straight-razor! David, scared out of his mind, ends up going out a window and right through the conservatory roof. He dies where his wife died- eat them just desserts, David, you greedy bastard!

I don't want to give away the twists and more twists ending, but like I said early on- Dominique is very reminiscent of the stories you'd find in an episode of Scooby-Doo. You can most likely figure it out what happens from that clue, Velma. Figuring out what's really going on in this type of thriller is where you'll find the joy in them- although there are some good creepy sequences as well. The loud, echoing click of the ghostly Dominique's heels as she limps down the hallway sent a chill down my spine, as did the slow creeeeaaaak of the rope in the conservatory as various bodies swing back and forth.

Dominique is very "1978" in that the pace is fairly methodical, even plodding at times; I can't imagine that it would be made today, what with the young'uns short attention spans and all. It's quiet, it's slow, it's old-fashioned...but this is the kind of movie that makes Ye Olde Final Girl happy.

Le Pimp is my name, pimping is my game

Thought I'd let all you folks know that tomorrow is Free Comic Book Day...a day of geeky madness wherein comic shops give you free books. Most of you probably could've figured that out by the name "Free Comic Book Day", but I know some of you are awfully slow on the uptake. Not you, of course...I'm talking about...that...other person.

Anyway, I'll be appearing alongside Dirk "Nightmare World" Manning all day at Packrat Comics in Hilliard, OH, which is thisclose to Columbus. If you're in the area, drop by and say hi- we'll have awesome stuff to giveaway and other awesome stuff that's just too awesome to give away for free so we'll be selling it. I'll have copies of a new stick-figure horror flip-book mini-comic available, as well as some sketch cards, issues of BloodRayne, blah blah blah. If you want to see some of this junk (awesome junk), head to my other site, The Sticks.

Wow, FREE comic books. Is there any other industry that's so very generous with the consumer? That cares so much? Hmm. Let's see...I know sometimes when you buy two Twinkies you get one free. That's a heartwarming gesture by Hostess. Golly, it's so nice to be nice!

In other news...I'm hoping to drag my sorry ass to a theatre this weekend to catch a viewing of An American Haunting, which opens today. Donald Sutherland + Sissy Spacek + ghosts = Stacie Heaven. I'm using the movie as an excuse to kick off a special week here at Final Girl...Haunted Houses and Ghosts Week! You read that right, folks...beginning Sunday I'll be kicking off 7 days of spectral madness. I'm pretty excited because it not only gives me a reason to talk about one of my very favorite horror movies, but also to have a guest columnist who's so awesome she'll rock your face off. I bet you'll be clamoring for more and more of her... eventually I'll get totally jealous of the accolades and I'll have to arrange some sort of "boating accident" for her to regain my crown. Let's see, first order of business: procure boat.

goodbye Jason, hello Michael

Just as Mr. Voorhees has been put on hiatus by ol' Blind Lady Justice, Michael Myers comes out swinging...a little, anyway. According to an interview with screenwriter Jake Wade Wall at MovieHole, it seems that Halloween 9 is soon to be a reality. Sigh.


OK, it doesn't sound that bad, really- rather than simply making another Michael-kills-kids-on-Halloween flick (see Resurrection) or...god forbid...reigniting that whole Thorn crap (parts 4-6), Wall's script explores Michael's years in the institution at Smith's Grove. I think that's an idea worth exploring, if it's done well. You've got the "personification of evil" locked up in a building for 15 years or so...what happened? According to Dr Loomis in the first movie, Michael just sort of stared out the window alot, looking forward to his return to Haddonfield. I, uh, assume the movie will be more exciting than that, although having Michael stare intently out a window for 90 minutes could get the critics and snobs on board; it sounds very Warhol, doesn't it?

The bad news is, Mr Wall is the dude who penned the When a Stranger Calls remake. To be honest, I haven't seen it, so I suppose it's not fair to call it "the bad news". But then, who said I have to be fair? What am I, The Legend of Billie Jean? "Fair is fair" my ass!

Mr Wall is a busy man. He's also the writer of the upcoming remake of The Hitcher, which...yeah, ok. I'm not going to go into the anti-remake spiel. However, the remake will not have Rutger Hauer nor Jennifer Jason Leigh, so frankly...fie thee, Hitcher remake. Fie. Thee. Wall acknowledges that times have changed since the original film's release in 1986, mainly in regards to the fact that "picking up hitchhikers is a no no". Thus, he had to get the villain up-to-date for the remake. I quote:

"...nobody picks up hitchhikers anymore. So I had to work on making the villain a lot cleverer… more calculated.”

"A lot cleverer"? "More calculated"? Pointing out two fucking grammatical errors in one fucking sentence uttered by a fucking Hollywood screenwriter makes me feel a little snarky. Then again, I'm jealous and I want his job.

Film Club: Visiting Hours

Welcome, kids, to the second installment of the Final Girl Film Club. If you decided to hop on board this time, then you sat through the 1982 Canadian slasher flick Visiting Hours...to which I say, "We Film Clubbers sure are a hearty lot!"

The plot of this movie is quite simple: a cuckoo nutso (Michael Ironside) gets a murderous hard-on for TV news reporter Deborah Ballin (Lee Grant). He attacks her in her home but botches the job; Ballin survives and is taken to the county hospital. Mr. Psycho follows and attempts to finish the job.

Ah, so short and so sweet. I must say, the first 15 minutes or so of this movie are pure gold. Once the theme music started, I thought I was in for a real treat. Playing over the opening credits was some sort of awesome early-80s synth track that sounded like the byproduct of a night of sweet sweet lovemaking by the themes of Halloween and Friday the 13th...I was ready to roll, baby! Initially, the film didn't disappoint. The scenes in Ballin's home were definitely intense. Coming home to a quiet house...the shower's running, windows are open...knowing something's wrong, knowing someone's in the house but having no idea where- that's good horror movie mojo at work. By the time Ironside jumped out all naked but for an exorbitant amount of Deborah's clip-on jewelry, I was ready to proclaim my love for Visiting Hours. Girl, and don't even get me started on how much the dumb waiter rocked. I want a dumb waiter. I want to transfer snacks and my cats from floor to floor in an easy fashion.

The high points continued even after the cut-up-but-not-dead reporter was transferred to the hospital. I loved the scene where Mr. Psycho cuts the air hose of that poor old woman, mistakenly thinking she's Ballin. He sits on her bed and calmly watches her gasping for air, then starts taking pictures as she dies. That's hardcore! Very, very creepy. And who does a better creep than Michael Ironside?

Then, before I knew it, something went horribly wrong. It's as if the filmmakers simply ran out of ideas, so all these subplots entered the picture. See, that's the problem with these movies wherein there's one specific victim the killer is after: you know the victim isn't going to die before the movie's end, so there's never any real danger or tension.

You know, come to think of it, I wish there were more short horror films. Maybe that should be the new wave: half hour horror. Think of how many movies would kick ass if they weren't stretched out to 90-odd minutes! If the original When a Stranger Calls had been kept to a slim and sexy half hour, it would be the perfect horror film. Same goes with Visiting Hours, it seems. Keep it short and the world will be singing your praises and touching themselves because of your awesomeness. Added filler to hit the 90-minute mark just makes for BOREDOM. There are huge stretches where no one dies...movies become "thrillers" as opposed to "horror movies"...there's far too many subplots that no one cares about...I start thinking about other things, I fall asleep, or I wish I could fall asleep. I was shocked- shocked I tells ya- when Visiting Hours was over and I discovered that it was, in fact, less than five hours long. I thought for sure it was an Original Lifetime Televison Mini-Series Event.

All in all, I'd say this movie was more dull than it was bad. 'Tis a shame, too, because it started out pretty damn good. I'm afraid, ladies and germs, that what we have here is what is known as a Tiffany.

I did learn some things from Visiting Hours, though. Among them:

-I have now heard what can only be called The World's Most Fucking Irritating Baby Doll Cry

-Babysitters are very forward. They will sleep at your house in the nude and hop into bed with you whilst wearing naught but a towel.

-Hospitals keep dogs locked up in their basements

-A high heel pummeling a hand will make me laugh

-The tiniest bell can make the loudest sounds

-If your movie has a great tagline ("So frightening you'll never recover"), do not change it to a lesser tagline for the re-release ("There is no known cure for murder"). First of all, even if that first tagline is blatantly untrue, it still rocks. Second, kids figure out that second tagline the first time they step on an ant. It's just silly.

-Do not trust a pale, vaguely sweaty man in a leather (or perhaps pleather) tank top

-No one on Earth should ever wear a leather (or perhaps pleather) tank top

There you go, folks. Another one bites the dust. As always, if you watched and wrote about Visiting Hours on your own site, be sure to link to your review in the comments section.

Meeting adjourned!

Here are quick links to other awesome people who reviewed Visiting Hours for the film club:

*Chadwick Saxelid
*Craig Moorhead
*Fatally*Yours
*House of Irony
*he who is...Josh
*Mermaid Heather

Some other reviews of Visiting Hours:
*Moriarty of Ain't It Cool News
*Retro Slashers!

Jason, we hardly knew ye...

Bloody-Disgusting reports that the Platinum Dunes-produced Friday the 13th sequel- prequel- remakequel- reimaginequel that was due out later this year has been put on an indefinite hold due to "rights issues". Sigh. Doesn't Jason belong to all of us at this point? Or is it that no man can own Jason? He lives by his own rules and marches to the beat of a very different drummer. He's not a man, he's a force!

How sad...after being hacked up, electrocuted, blown up, shot into space, reborn, sent to hell, spending time as a black-goo-oozing alien penis monster and battling to the end with Freddy Krueger yet still coming back for more, Jason Voorhees may at last be brought down by the US legal system's red tape.

Monster Mania

I got a heads-up email the other day about It Waits, a monster flick due out on DVD (from Anchor Bay, of course!) May 23. You can check out the film's official site right here.

Ch-ch-check it out, y'all:

It Waits focuses on a tale taken from Native American folklore of a lost Human Being whose vicious resentments fueled an anger so fierce that its soul was banished from the world of the living. What happens when this malevolent spirit returns – can anyone stop its relentless and destructive powers?

Say, "Native American Folklore"...pissed off baddies returning from The Great Beyond...and a monster. What could go wrong? Heh. Yeah, I've said that a zillion times before. But I haven't seen a decent monster movie since Pumpkinhead and I'm all a-itchin' for one. Although that could just be this big yucky rash I have. Or my scabies. Wait...do herpes itch?

Ooh, what's that smell? Is that a future Film Club election I smell? I sure hope so...

Best giveaway ever...

...because it's blatantly the worst giveaway ever.

If you head over to Pretty/Scary, all you have to do to be a "winner" is send Superheidi an email saying "gimme gimme gimme!" and you'll a receive a copy of Hollow Man 2, starring that fella who no longer has any standards Christian Slater, or the Special Edition release of Gothika, starring that gal whose name rhymes with Pally Merry, Halle Berry. WOW!

I think everyone who's doing the Final Girl Film Club should take advantage of this giveaway. Then, whenever I pick a movie that turns out to be a stinker, you can say to yourself "Well, at least it wasn't as craptacular as that crappy crapfest Crapika (or Hollow Crap). Yay, Film Club!"

**SORRY KIDS, IT SEEMS SUPERHEIDI HAS RUN OUT OF BAD MOVIES TO GIVEAWAY. Shame on your taste, people, SHAME!

That said, someone can have MY copy of Gothika if they want it. It's used (once, dammit) and it's not the Special Edition, so first come, first serve...first email I get wanting it gets it.

And FYI, before anyone rags on MY taste, I picked it up because it came in a 2-pack with The Exorcist Fancy Pants Edition, for sale wicked cheap when Media Play closed it's doors. So there!

** GOTHIKA IS GONE-IKA! YAY!

ghetto postin'

Look, I'm telling you now that there's really no point to this post. It's ghetto-ass as all get out, so consider yourselves warned. Turn back while you can!

It's just that...I have nothing to say. I didn't watch a movie. The news sites are all dull today. Nothing to promote, no essays spewing forth from my fingers. Just nothing! Yet here I am. It's raining.

So...I'll remind you all about the next Film Club choice, Visiting Hours. I'm going to do a write-up next Monday, May 1st. Apparently a bunch of you have watched it alreaday and the early reports aren't terribly enthusiastic. We'll see about that!

I've been wondering if they're doing a sequel to Silent Hill. Has there been talk of it yet? These things get announced so quickly nowadays it seems. I thought after opening weekend it'd get the greenlight if the idea's already been thrown about.

If they do do a sequel, they should totally set it 5 or so years after the first movie, and send Sean Bean's character into Silent Hill after receiving a letter from Rose, whom he hasn't heard from in the interim (yes, like the plot from the second game). Maybe they could have less of a Parade of the Silent Hill All-Star Bad Guys and have one monster- like, oh, I don't know...Pyramid Head maybe?- stalking Sean Bean throughout. That might give the flick a little more urgency, maybe. Hmm. Oh, and add better dialogue.

Like I said, ghetto post.

C-Ya! Wouldn't wanna b-ya!

Sometimes I wonder about the people I went to high school with oh so long ago. Friends, classmates, the girl that everybody said diddled herself with a hot dog...I wonder where they are now and what they're doing. Every once in a while, I spend a little time Googling their names to see what I can come up with...often, it's not much. Every once in a while, these people contact ME- I get an email from someone I haven't spoken to in 10 years asking the usual sorts of questions. There's a flurry of catch-up emails over a day or two, then the person disappears into cyberspace and into their new life for another decade. A little curiosity satisfied is good enough to last years.

The 1988 slasher Bad Dreams is like one of those old friends- I liked it well enough in high school to find out how it's doing now. When I found out it was being released on DVD this month, I even said to myself "Bad Dreams on DVD? I haven't seen that in years! Wicked sweet!". The man next to me at the store said "Sorry, what was that?" to which I replied "Mind your own damn beeswax, you nosy bastard!" and went about the rest of my day.

So, how does my long-lost pal stack up after all this time? Well, there was a flurry of activity, and a little curiosity satisfied is good enough to last years.

As a young girl in the 1970s, Cynthia (beautiful...and bad Jennifer Rubin) was a member of the Unity Fields commune/cult/house of dirty, stinky people. One day, Harris (the leader of Unity Fields) decided that an awesome way for them all to come together- man, woman, and child alike- and feel some Universal Love would be to douse themselves with gasoline and light themselves on fire. Death is just another state of being, man...can you dig it? No? Well, neither could Cynthia. As people burned around her, Cynthia had a nagging feeling...a feeling that this was wrong! Cynthia am smart hippy girl! She ends up knocked into a coma...but she survives.

She wakes up 13 years later in a mental hospital. She's forced to join group sessions for people with "borderline personality disorder"- a nice, general umbrella term for suicidal and/or crazy patient types. With that vague description, the group is made up of people like Lana (EG Daily, whom I'm always- always happy to see in a movie, for some reason), who doesn't talk much...Ralph (Dean Cameron), who talks alot and has eyebrows so large it's hard to focus on anything else when he's on-screen... the burnt-out, chain-smoking, triple divorcee Miriam, Gilda the nerd who talks about the "other world", the couple who has weird hang-ups about sex and touching, and so on.

Eventually, Harris begins appearing (sometimes all normal and original recipe, sometimes all gross and extra crispy recipe) in visions Cynthia has, beckoning her to join the rest of her dead hippy friends. She's preventing their souls from the big afterlife orgy or something- they can't rest until she does herself in and moves on up to the dee-luxe commune in the sky. Once again, Cynthia plays it smart and says NO! To punish her, the leader begins picking off the members of her support group in terribly grody ways- people end up in the giant turbine, defenestrated...one dude hacks himself up with a scalpel. The deaths aren't simply cut and dried, however. Is Harris really killing them all? Is Cynthia a homicidal fish out of water out of time? Are these suicidal wackos just killing themselves? Well? Watch it yourself and find out! I'm not gonna walk you through everything, people.

I was a little sad that Bad Dreams turned out to be much more dull than I remember it being. It wasn't a bad way to spend 90 minutes...I mean, there's EG Daily as well as 80s horror mainstays Bruce Abbott (Re-Animator) and Jennifer Rubin. The deaths are actually pretty gruesome and there's alot of gore thrown about. It just...I just didn't really care. Frankly, sad as it make me say, I was a little bored. We got along really well back in the day, but now it seems that Bad Dreams and I have simply grown apart. It happens, man. Eventually I'll forget that fact and I'll get back in touch with the flick in a few years.

Yo Bad Dreams,

Have a nice summer.
Stay sweet and take a chill pill!

Stacie Ponder #1

lightbulbs

From the "Best Ideas Stacie Never Had and Quite Frankly She's a Little Jealous" department comes Sponsor Our Zombie Movie! on eBay.

Christine Parker, Force of One behind the upcoming indy zombie flick The Forever Dead is seeking sponsorship on eBay, right here. Use the Buy It Now option to donate fabulous moolah in increments of $1. All donor names will be listed in the film's credits, and folks who donate $50 or more get copies of the DVD. Whether you want to see your name on the screen, you want to help out some indy horror filmmakers, or, like myself, you simply live to give...check it out.

For more info on The Forever Dead, go here.



Man, asking for money on eBay is a good idea. It's easy and juuuuust might capture people's attention. Why didn't I think of that?

Other notable ideas from the "Best Ideas Stacie Never Had and Quite Frankly She's a Little Jealous" department:

1. The wheel
2. Fire
3. Cap'n Crunch with Crunch Berries
4. Sneakers that turn into roller skates with the press of a button
5. Superman
6. Velcro
7. The Spice Girls
8. Pasta
9. Baseball
10. Jazzercise

untitled

Sweet mother.

That is how you adapt four videogames into a story for the screen.

And that, my friends, is how you make a fucking horror movie.

WARNING: The comments section of this post contains spoilers.

Are you ready for tomorrow?

If I have any readers left after this post, 'twill be a miracle.

(idea shamelessly pinched from The Retropolitan's Tales to Astonish!, an electro-mag you really should be reading)

Final Girl Film Club Selection #2

OK, kids, are you ready? It's time to announce the next selection for the Final Girl Film Club! Can you feel the electricity in the air? Can I get a "HELL YEAH!"?

Disclaimer: the movie may suck. I have absolutely zero control over whether or not a movie sucks or whether you think it sucks. I'll try to choose things that at least sound decent, but hey- remember, we live life on the edge here in the FGFC. Ain't no guarantees, son! You pays yer money, you takes yer chances, I always say.

Now...onto this month's choice: It's the 1982 hospital slasher Visiting Hours!

Is that a sweet poster or what? I've always wanted to see this movie based on that poster alone, but somehow I never have. It's being released on DVD today, so the tide is high and the time is right!

And you better believe that if I ever get my Donald Trump on an buy a big office building or something, I'm demanding that the lights be left on every night in a skull-face pattern like that. Every. Night. Fear my building!

If you're not as jazzed about that picture as I am and you're like "Well, OK. But I need more to get really worked up about this movie!", then I present to you some of the names in the cast:

-the awesome tough guy Michael Ironside (Starship Troopers, Scanners, V)
-Linda Purl, aka Matlock's daughter!
-Lee Grant (Damien: Omen II, Airport '77, The Swarm)
-some guy named William muthafuckin' Shatner!

Now, to me, it works out like this:
slasher movie + that cast + that poster + that tagline = awesome movie
I could be wrong, but the math adds up, my friends. And math don't lie!

Here's the page linking you to the movie at Netflix. Here's the plot synopsis, also from Netflix:

After airing an outspoken report on domestic violence, anchorwoman Deborah Ballin (Lee Grant) receives an unexpected visit from a displeased viewer, who takes out his anger by savagely beating her in her own home. Having survived the attack, she's seemingly safe in the hospital with a dedicated nurse (Linda Purl) and her concerned boss (William Shatner) by her side. However, Deborah has no idea that her attacker has come for visiting hours...

Hmm. Heaven IS a place on earth.

The movie: Visiting Hours
The due date: May 1st

The Monday Dumps

Rainy days and Mondays don't necessarily get me down, but they sure do make me feel lazy. We all know what laziness leads to, right! Link dumps!!

According to Bloody-Disgusting, the casting for Resident Evil: Extinction has been confirmed...which means the movie will actually be happening. Lest you get your hopes up that the series will make an abrupt turn and save itself from ruin, you should know that Paul WS Anderson once again wrote the script, which goes like this: something something Alice something desert something revenge. I know I'll end up seeing this movie because I won't be able to resist the videogame I love-horror movie-Milla triumverate. I actually liked the first Resident Evil in some cheesy way...but the second one? What was that, Apocalyse? Oh, my. That was just...bad/bad. Talk about wasted opportunities! How the filmmakers managed to turn the concept of a city overrun with zombies into something so...zombie-less and boring is beyond me. The Little People vs. Big Evil Corporation subplot is far too convoluted and ill-defined to be effective. I just...eh, like I said...my will is weak, and there's always hope.


Apparently, the official French site for Silent Hill has a scene with Pyramid Head in action! Of course, I'm ignoring all the scenes and clips that have been popping up all over the place in anticipation of Friday. FRIDAY! FRIDAY, PEOPLE! At long last, I can shut my big fat mouth about this movie. It better not suck. Anyway, if you wanna check out the clip, head over to the decidedly French site Silent Hill- Le Film.

Remember that episode of The Simpsons where Marge, Bart, and Lisa were complaining that no one ever listens to them, and Homer came in and said something like "I'm a white male age 18-34. Everyone listens to me!" and he pulls out a can of Nuts n Gum? Well, I believe we've found the cinematic equivalent of Nuts n Gum, folks; I give you StagKnight, wherein horny teens, paintball, and King Arthur come together at last. There's not much up on the site yet, but it seems like this flick will be tongue-in-cheek (I hope) and over the top. I question the tactic of calling your site visitors "losers", though- all the dead links are snarky and insulting. Did these people learn nothing from We Are the World?

Guess what? Tomorrow I'll be announcing the next movie and due date for the Final Girl Film Club! Huzzah, people- huzzah, I say!

holiday day

Happy Easter, kids, if you're into that kind of thing. I haven't seen Peter Rottentail, but man...those kind of movies are never as good as you want them to be. I mean, they're rarely good/bad- they're usually just bad.

Have a great holiday and eat Cadbury Creme Eggs 'til you puke!

sold

Yeah, what the post title says. Hey, maybe they get it!

I Heart: A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

I'd like to start things off with a little Public Service Announcement: Part 2 (of 4) of Hungry Like the Wolf is up today at Nightmare World for your reading pleasure. Read it, dagnabbit!

I'd like to continue things with a disclaimer: I have a fondness for A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) that is so large, I'm not entirely sure anymore if the movie is actually deserving of said fondness. I'm telling you this because my opinion and glowing praise of it is completely wrapped in a gauzy haze of nostalgia-induced love. So if you see NoES 3 on my recommendation and you hate it and find yourself saying "That movie sucked! That Final Girl lied to me! I'm gonna tear her a new one!", well, I simply can't be held responsible. I have disclaimed!

But look at that poster art! Can a movie with poster art that sweet really suck? And can I be a Dream Warrior when I grow up? Pleeeeease?

Most of you probably have seen this bright spot in the Freddy Krueger saga by now, but for those of you who haven't, the premise is simple. Freddy's back, and he's trying to kill off the "last of the Elm Street children"- the children whose parents burned him alive years before. These kids are a rag-tag group of ne'er-do-wells whose suicidal tendencies have landed them in a mental hospital. Lucky for them, one fellow failed suicide, the plucky Kristen (Patricia Arquette), has the ability to pull people into her dreams. Also lucky for them, Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) from the original Elm Street is an intern at the hospital! She leads the charge and the Dream Warriors jump into Kristen's nightmare and head off to "kick the motherfucker's ass all over dreamland". Yay!! Go, Dream Warriors, go! I love you, Dream Warriors!

As I said, I no longer have any idea if NoES3 is actually good or not. Is it good? Is it bad? Is it good/bad? I'm pretty sure it falls into all three categories at once, which in and of itself is quite a feat. There's a few undisputably great moments, but then there's also some moments that are so...so...so cringe-worthy that my cheeks almost burst into flame from embarrassment whilst watching. Let's just break this bad boy down and see what we get, alright?

THE GOOD

- while Nancy's hair is bigger than ever before, it seems she has, at long last, become acquainted with the product known as "conditioner".

- the creepy girl on the tricycle in Kristen's opening dream sequence. While standing in the basement, she says "This is where he takes us" and for a moment you realize and/or remember what a monster Freddy Krueger was. People end up rooting for Freddy with his quips and his creative kills (which is a whole other topic in itself, the "rooting for the bad guy" impulse), but while alive he would take children to a basement and kill them. Treated more seriously, the Nightmare series could have been terrifying.

-the battle with Freddy's re-animated skeleton in the car yard. Yeah, it looks pretty fake and it's pretty silly, but it's just so Ray Harryhausen that I can't help but love it. Fuck CGI, man.

-learning Freddy's origins: the ghost of Amanda Krueger tells how Freddy is "the bastard son of 100 maniacs". That's an awesome layer to add to the character. Treated more seriously, the Nightmare series could have explored the nature of evil.

-the marionette sequence. Freddy pulls long strands of muscles out of a character's four limbs and guides him out of a top-storey window like a puppet. Grody to the max.

-the cast. You've got "Larry" Fishburne as Max, the tough-love orderly; Jennifer Rubin of Bad Dreams as bad girl Taryn; Craig Wasson of Ghost Story as Dr. Gordon, who you know is totally in love with Nancy but won't say it; the always-welcome John Saxon; and as the doctor who just doesn't get it, the lady who also played Pam Ewing's long-lost mother on Dallas...you know I was all over that.

-Kincaid calling Freddy a "burnt-faced pussy". It just makes me laugh.

THE GOOD/BAD

I just decided, I'm not going to call any of this stuff outright bad. It's all sort of embarassing, but I'm calling it all some corny-ass good/bad goodness. So there.

-when the nerd in the Sally Jesse Raphael glasses declares "In my dreams, I am the Wizard Master!" and shoots green bolts out of his fingertips.

-when Taryn declares "In my dreams, I'm beautiful...and bad!" We know she's bad because 1) she busts out her twin switchblades; 2) she sports glitter on her chest; 3) she has a two-foot mohawk thing going on.


-Max calling Kincaid "Cool Breeze". What a delightfully uncool "cool" 80s nickname.

-the fact that Zsa Zsa Gabor is in this movie...it's just...I love it, yet...it's Zsa Zsa Gabor. In a slasher movie. Zsa Zsa. And she gets killed by Freddy Krueger...it...does...not compute. How do I feel right now?

-I'm not a fan of "funny" Freddy, and this is the movie where he starts to become the Henny Youngman of horror: "Get ready for prime time, bitch!" Bleh.

-Nancy's father's ghost floats down to her in a shower of sparkling sparkles. He's like a disco, rock-star ghost from Xanadu or something.

So there you have it, whatever it is. Yep, I heart A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors from the creepy kid at the beginning to Don Dokken's singing "We're the dreeeeam warriors!" over the closing credits and all the corniness in between. That corniness includes, of course, the giant Freddy head/snake thing that almost devours Kristen. But this picture...disturbs me. Patricia Arquette looks like she's actually having a good time, if you know what I mean...and I think you do.

substitution

All right, I know I said something yesterday about watching a movie and doing a review. But I didn't promise, did I? Well, if I did, I clearly lied. I thought about watching a movie, but instead I went out and spotted Land of the Dead: Road to Fiddler's Green at the videogame store and...let's just say that my eyes currently feel like itty bitty crunchy raisins from playing the game all afternoon.

This game is pretty sweet! It's a first-person shooter that's chock full of zombie-blastin' action. Basically, you're a poor and noble farmer (alright, I'm only assuming the "poor" and "noble" bits...I think it adds a certain pathos to the game, don't you agree?) who suddenly finds himself thrust into a world gone mad! Mad, I tells ya! Mad with the undead! Fighting the evil, hungry hordes, said noble farmer must make his way through the city to Fiddler's Green, which if you've seen Land of the Dead you'll remember Fiddler's Green is Dennis Hopper's haven for the wealthy.

The game puts you in the action almost immediately as you look out of your noble farmhouse window and see a "stranger" standing in your yard. You approach to ask what indeed be the dilly-o and the stranger attacks you! Aye, 'tis a zombie, matey!

Notice how I slide smoothly from street-speak to pirate-speak? I'm a polylingual chameleon. I'm the United Colors of Final Girl. I'm like the wind! I've lost my mind from staring at a video game for hours!

Anyway, what I like about this game so far is that it feels really...real. That might sound silly, but the game captures, to me, what it would really be like to suddenly be thrust in this crazy, zombified situation. In a game like Resident Evil, you basically shoot a zombie or two every once in a while, then go on to solve puzzles. If you're at all skilled in the game, it's not the zombies that usually kill you, but rather the bigger, faster monsters. The zombies in Fiddler's Green pour over walls...they break down doors...and they don't stop coming until you kill them. Apparently as you progress through the game the undead can wield weapons and objects against you- not cool! A few times I tried to simply outrun one or two zombies in an effort to save ammo, only to find 3 more zombies around the corner- shortly thereafter I was but an all-you-can-eat buffet for the bastards. These zombies don't run, but they don't shuffle, either- they're very determined and they shamble along after you at a good clip- sort of like Michael Myers. You know that slasher killer strut I'm talking about...you're running faster than they are, but somehow they catch you anyway. Speaking of running, that's another element of realism here; the farmer may be noble, but he's no athlete. Sprint a little and soon you're out of breath and practically crawling.

Fiddler's Green isn't a moody mindfuck a la Silent Hill- like I said, it's action packed, baby! That's not to say it isn't scary, because it is, albeit in a different way. Anyone who trots out the "Zombies ain't scary 'cause they's all slow n' shit" should 1) learn some proper grammar and 2) lock themselves in a shed with 5 bullets and many zombies beating down the door. That's scary! That's intense! And I like it. I haven't played much so far, but any game that's got me wandering around a cornfield at night while zombies are a-moanin' and a-groanin' all around me is awesome in my book.

And by the way, they're "a-moanin' and a-groanin' " because that's what zombies do- there's not some big zombie cornfield orgy, you sicko.

At least I hope there isn't- like I said, I haven't played much so far. Now where's me eye drops, matey?

me me me!

I'll have a good post tomorrow, I promise...but not today! I just couldn't leave you all empty-handed though, so I thought I'd tell you a little about my new venture.

Some of you may remember that I used to have another blog- Four Color Girl- that was sort of a showcase for whatever art I was making at the moment. Well, deadlines loomed, I got busy, and days went by without any updates at FCG (as the cool kids called it). Ugh- I hate an un-updated blog, and FCG was just sitting there...neglected an ignored, so one day I unceremoniously pulled the plug. No word of warning, just poof! Gone.

The 6 people who actually visited FCG regularly seemed to enjoy a weekly comic I did called Toosday Toons, a new strip appearing every- wait for it now!- Tuesday. I've resurrected Toosday Toons this week, and started yet another blog where the strip will run weekly (I hope) and where I'll also be posting stuff about my stick figure books and the such. No fancy-schmancy art updates, just sticks. Hence, the blog is called The Sticks. It's only just been born, so be patient, my pets. Check it out if you like, or ignore it if you like. See if I care!

Like I said, I'll do a better post tomorrow (probably a movie review! ooh la la!) when I've got some more time. For now though, to satisfy you visually, here are three things that begin with J and one thing that begins with N.







I'm thinking about starting a borderline-unhealthy obsession with Naomi Watts . I'll let you know how it pans out.

spoileriffic

There's a link on Ain't It Cool News to a huge behind-the-scenes glimpse into Silent Hill. I guess the segment aired on the Starz network and is all chock full of spoilers and info. I'm not going to watch it for a few reasons:

1. It's apparently an extremely large file (15 minutes worth of footage or something), and I still use a dial-up connection. By the time the file finishes loading, I'll be able to watch Silent Hill on DVD.

2. I know the basic plot of the movie and I've seen some images. That's all I want to know going into this thing. I'm not going to read any early reviews, I'm not going to watch any footage beyond the trailer...I may even stick my fingers in my ears and go "la la laaaa!" all the time just in case anyone within earshot is talking about it. This tactic may also get me a wider berth in the aisles at the grocery store so I may continue to do it even after I've seen the movie.

The movie opens in a little over a week, so I can wait. I think. If you want to download and watch the Silent Hill footage, hey, go for it. In fact, because I care about your wants and needs, here's the article at Ain't It Cool which'll point you in the right direction. Just don't watch and then come back here and tell me all about it or I swear- I will "la la laaaaaa" you in the face!

I know that's a vague threat, but it's a threat nonetheless!