I know. Could I BE any more of a lame? No...no, I could not. But gather 'round, all yon children, whilst I weave a tapestry of reasons and excuses to hang on the wall of the Final Girl Film Clubhouse!
Mr. Roper obviously has neither the time nor the inclination to listen to my blathering. He also seems to indicate that he finds the entire affair a little "fruity".*Anyway, since I announced the selection I kept putting off watching it and doing other things and making some stuff and whatever, you know? And let's face it, I was a little bit bleh about the whole thing from the get go, which left me unmotivated to watch it- just ask my mom! I told her that very same thing yesterday when I dutifully did my duty and called her for Mother's Day. I probably should have postponed the due date, but those of you who are far more diligent than I started sending links to your reviews, so I felt I should I should just dutifully do this other duty- the duty of watching it. Earlier today I decided the time was right and Burt Young or no Burt Young, I had to get going. I went over to Hulu to get my Amityville on, only to discover that the movie was GONE. Gone as in no longer on the site, as if it fell into the depths of Hell through that weird, hidden red room in the basement. This was discouraging.
Denise Richards is as shocked as I was.Rest assured, however, that my quest for Amityville II did not end there! People, I actually put on shoes and walked to the video store to pick up a copy, only to find giant signs plastered everywhere stating that Video Hut is going out of business, and that everything simply must go. I spent a good deal of time browsing, as movies were going for $5. However, this sale has been going on for a week or so and the place was pretty picked over- I'd go so far as to say that the remaining pickins, in fact, were quite disappointing. Either I'd seen the movies but felt no desire to own a copy forever and ever (stuff like I Know What You Did Last Summer) or my curiosity about a film simply didn't warrant spending a whopping five bucks (stuff like The Return starring Sarah Michelle Gellar; did anybody actually see that?). I almost bought Guns and Lipstick starring Sally Kirkland and Robert Forster, but in the end I left Video Hut empty handed. Of course, now that I'm thinking about it, I kinda want to go back for that movie. Or if I have a sudden, burning desire to pick up anything from the Erika Eleniak catalogue, as it seems it was available in its entirety.
As I walked home, I felt like a big ol' douche that I wouldn't be able to post a review for my own fucking Film Club. But then The Carrie Nations came on my walkman...excuse me, my iPod...and I felt better. So much better, in fact, that I spent the rest of my stroll home wondering why I haven't yet picked Beyond the Valley of the Dolls for the Film Club regardless of the fact that it's not horror. Then I wondered how I could get Erica Gavin to be in one of my movies, and then I was home. Then I did some other stuff, and now I'm here telling you all about my fascinating attempts to watch Amityville II: The Possession. That's...totally better than a review, right? Briefcase Woman thinks so, hooray!
Film Club Coolies, y'all!
The Film Club Coolies are EXTRA cool this time ('cause, you know, they actually watched the damn movie and wrote about it), and I implore you to visit their sites. They're not lame-os like yours truly, even though REALLY it's all Hulu's fault**.
The Verdant Dude
Zombie Cupcake
Vegan Voorhees
Creature Cast
Banned in Queensland
Michael Petrik
The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
The Horror Section
Bloody Good Horror
Down Inside You're Dirty
RJ Battles
From the Depths of DVD Hell
Emma Blackwood
Stephanie Vaughn
*Big ups to my pal Brent Schoonover for sending me this picture. I've been waiting for any old excuse to post it.
**Still, I'm gonna watch this movie one day, I swear. No, honest, I SWEAR. I really want to see Amityville Dollhouse and Amityville Part Whatever: It's About Time, so I'll just have to make an Event Week out of it. I mean, I friggin' loved Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes!
5 comments:
Wait, I've seen a horror movie you haven't seen? I feel so important! My thoughts are here.
You really didn't miss much. And the Roper pic more than made up for the lack of a review.
I always thought he protested about Jack's ways a little too much, if you know what I mean.
Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is definitely horror :)
Since I didn't see it mentioned in any of the reviews yo linked too, I guess it might be worth pointing out that there is a real story behind this film (and not in the way the first one was "based on a true story") that has always kept me from enjoying it as the mediocre trashy time-waster it is (if you can call that enjoying).
Ayway, it's a long story, but those that are interested can find a pretty good review icluding all the background stuff on aycyas.com
I've seen The Return... not a bad little movie, though not good either.
It also seems to have undergone a more or less complete plot overhaul at some point, as the Deleted Scenes feature alternate takes involving several key plot points. Even the explanation for the supernatural goings-on throughout the movie is different (and more logically consistent) than in the actual film...
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