Ridiculous Faces of Death 4

I can think of nary more horrific than getting each of one's limbs caught in a bear trap. Coupled with a throat slashing, it seems like an extremely painful way to die. The face pulled by Rick (Taylor Lacher) when he's caught in that very same predicament in Devil Times Five, however, makes it seem...well, not so bad.

You know, on second thought, maybe what Rick's doing here is for the benefit of humanity. He's reminding us that despite all the misery we inflict upon each other, despite the cruelty of the world, we can always find room for a smile. Cross your eyes and loll your tongue at the pain of life, baby, and you'll be fine. See, he's given us a little something called...hope.

Thank you, Rick, wherever you are. Thank you.

Ridiculous Faces of Death 3

It's been a while since the face pulled by a horror movie actor made me go "Wow. That's...ridiculous!" and chortle.

Long before he squared off against those rascally Duke boys as Boss Hogg, Sorrell Booke had to square off against a murderous Leif Garrett in Devil Times Five. After Booke's Harvey Beckman beats his juvenile opponent at chess, he's treated to a hatchet in the back; the audience, however, is treated to this:

Not to be to...puerile here, but this looks as if Beckman has encountered a case of bad burritos rather than, you know, a sharp object in his back.

Even Rosco P. Coltrane would be ashamed!

Children Hate You Week: Day 5

Here we are, darling readers, at the end of the very first Children Hate You! Week- the first, but I assure you, not the last. Despite hours and hours of self analysis*, I have no clue as to why I enjoy Children Hate You! movies so very much- yes, I love them even more than I love Animals Run Amok! movies. Perhaps I love them for the same reasons I love Killer Doll! movies- they're both terrifying and hysterical in their inappropriateness. No matter how truly awful a killer kiddie flick is, they're still a bit depraved and just plain wrong...yet...they're funny. In a word, I find them delicious.

What a delight, then, that the final film of the week, Bloody Birthday (1981), is magically fucking delicious.

Three children- Debbie (Elizabeth Hoy), Curtis (Billy Jacoby), and Steven (Andy Freeman)-are born simultaneously during a solar eclipse. Because both the moon and the sun are blocking Saturn during their birth, the kids are born without what Jennifer Aniston would call a "sensitivity chip". Apparently Saturn is the house of feeling and emotion, and without Saturn in their star charts, well, the kids are naught but ticking time bombs. If only Micki Dahne had been present at the births, perhaps she could have foretold of the doom and disaster! Sadly, she wasn't- and so the people of quaint l'il Meadowvale, California are in for a nasty surprise.

The surprise comes along ten years later. A young couple is quietly necking in a cemetery late one balmy evening. When they're ready to move on to...uh, Advanced Necking Theory, they decide to get some privacy. Rather than heading to a bedroom or backseat, however, the couple jumps into an open grave to get away from prying eyes. Omigod, I know...isn't that hot? Faster than you can say "God made dirt and dirt don't hurt, but that doesn't mean I want it in my hair", someone's whacking The Boy in the face with a shovel- and oh, what a whack! Were I but technologically advanced enough to upload sound clips of the WHUMP!s for you- you'd be delighted. Meanwhile, The Girl ends up strangled to death by a jump rope, and therefore it seems safe to assume that a senior citizen is not the homicidal culprit.

It turns out that Debbie's father (Bert Kramer) is the sheriff, and he's no dummy. There was a piece of evidence left at the scene of the graveyard murders- a jump rope handle. The sheriff heads right to Meadowvale Elementary and begins asking the students if they know what "murder" means. Steven quips to Curtis, "What does he think we are, babies?" and the sheriff leaves without any answers.

Before they head out the door as well, our darling trio asks their bitchy teacher Miss Davis (Susan Strasberg) if the class can be excused from homework the next Monday- it's the day of their big birthday party, after all. Miss Davis refuses, replying "Just because you all have the same birthday doesn't mean you're special!". Oh, Miss Davis, methinks that was a no-no.

The scene shifts to Debbie's house, where the kids have set up a trap for that nosy ol' sheriff- the old skateboard-on-the-stairs trick! When the sheriff easily avoids stepping on the skateboard, however, Steven simply beats Debbie's father to death with a baseball bat. Debbie just smirks- what an angel! When they think they've been spotted by a classmate, Timmy Russel (KC Martel), the murderous Eclipse Babies make like the sheriff just...fell down the stairs. That's good enough for the medical examiner and the death is chalked up to a terrible accident.

As if being complicit in the murder of her father wasn't enough to prove that Debbie has no family values, we soon learn that she's also drilled a hole in her closet wall, creating a nice little peephole into her sister Beverly's room. Beverly (Julie Brown) seems to enjoy stripping and dancing around her bedroom topless; entrepreneurial Debbie sells tickets, charging neighborhood boys a quarter a peep. Hey, it beats having a paper route.

As I mentioned earlier, the kids thought Timmy caught sight of their nefarious doings- seems there's another loose end to tie up! It's no problem for our little sociopaths, however. They lure Timmy to the junkyard for a game of hide-and-seek, Curtis locks Timmy in an old refrigerator, and they leave him to die. Timmy gets his MacGuyver on, though, and manages to escape. He proceeds to beat the crap out of Curtis. Oh, Timmy, methinks that was a no-no.

Speaking of no-nos, what of that uptight Miss Davis? While the Eclipse Babies may be lacking feelings and emotions, they're certainly not lacking the party spirit like their teacher. She ends up shot in the back- Curtis has pilfered the late sheriff's service revolver, and he ain't afraid to use it.

Meadowvale has become overrun with murders and Timmy's older sister Joyce (Lori Lethin) has begun putting the pieces together. Though she's not entirely sure yet as to what exactly is going on, Joyce knows enough to know that the Eclipse Babies, particulary Curtis, are a little...hinky. Sigh. Now the Eclipse Babies have to take care of yet another busybody, and so it's off to the junkyard again where they attempt to run Joyce over with a juryrigged car. Those Russels are hard to get rid of, however, and Joyce survives.

Meanwhile, Beverly has found Debbie's scrapbook. Like any good young serial killer, Debbie has been clipping newspaper articles about the Eclipse Babies' murder victims. For some reason, Beverly finds this odd and tells on Debbie. The scrapbook ends up in the fireplace...oh, Beverly, methinks that was a no-no. Before you can say "Peephole bring pleasure, peephole bring pain!", Debbie shoots an arrow through the hole in the wall right smack into Beverly's eye. Debbie calls her accomplices, and the kids dump the body by the curbside trash. Wow, that's cold!

Having lost both her husband and a daughter in a matter of days, Debbie's mom takes off for a little therapy; Joyce is asked to babysit and she brings along Timmy. Determined to take care of the Russel siblings once and for all, the Eclipse Babies wage an all-out assault on Joyce and Timmy. The outcome? Well, let's just say that Bloody Birthday is primed for a sequel...and Debbie possesses a remarkable sense of self-preservation.



Bloody Birthday rocked, y'all! Undoubtedly, it's one of the best movies I've seen in this little subgenre- that's not to say, necessarily, that it's a good movie. Your enjoyment of it, I think, will directly correlate to how much you like Children Hate You! movies. As it is, Bloody Birthday doesn't have much of a plot- it sort of meanders over the course of a few days, and there never seems to be a point to any of it beyond showcasing the depraved acts of these cold-blooded kiddies. You'd think the big birthday party would be the climax of the film, but that's not the case- it comes and goes with nary a crime! It's all fine by me because this flick is nothing if not fun; some of you may find the lack of real happenings disappointing. In other words, some of you might be jerks.

While this movie is full of murderous mayhem, there's a noticeable lack of gore. With the exception of that of poor Beverly, the deaths are brutal yet surprisingly sanitary- that's not, in my opinion, a strike against it. And believe me, what the film lacks in blood it more than makes up for in bare boobs. Early 80s horror at its finest!

The performances throughout are above average for this type of flick, particularly those of Billy Jacoby and Elizabeth Hoy as Curtis and Debbie. They're a couple of cold-hearted snakes, lemme tell you- look into their eyes! Curtis smirks his way through a killing spree while Debbie plays up the innocent little girl act. They're a riot, and I'd love to see them all grown up in Bloody Birthday 2. Someone make the movie right now! The rest of the cast is strong as well, including the pre-Earth Girls Are Easy Julie Brown, a mop-headed Michael Dudikoff, "Jake to William Conrad's Fatman" Joe Penny , and a slumming Jose Ferrer in a brief cameo.

What a great way to end the week; I give it 8 out of 10 Children Who Hate You and the Women Who Love Thems.



*playing videogames

Children Hate You Week: Day 4

Checking out the imdb page for today's feature, Devil Times Five (1974), I found that it's got a couple of alternate titles: People Toys and The Horrible House on the Hill. It's certainly not unusual for a film to have multiple titles; I was shocked, however, that this movie is not also known as The Most Boring Movie in the History of Ever Times Ten Million.

A van full of mental patient kiddies crashes on its way up a snowy mountain. The children (one who dresses up like a nun, one who dresses up like a soldier, one who likes fire, one who...is just kinda there, and Leif Garrett) trudge through the snow and eventually come to a chalet where three couples are having a weekend getaway.

Mayhem ensues.

Actually, that's not true. Now is not the time for mayhem! Instead, let's watch the three couples bicker- isn't that exciting? No? Well, maybe you'll think it's exciting when I tell you that one of the wives is played by Shelley Morrison- Rosario of television's Will and Grace!

What? That's still not exciting? OK...then let's watch another one of the wives awkwardly try to seduce the chalet's "simple" handyman, Ralph (movie co-writer John Durren) ! Now that's exciting, lemme tell ya. Thrill! as Lovely (yes , her name is Lovely, and she's played by Leif Garrett's mom Carolyn Stellar) frightens both Ralph and the audience as she barks: "Ralph, put away my clothes! Brush my hair! Rub my feet! Pick me up! Put me down! Have you ever...had a woman, Ralph?"- to which Ralph replies, "I had a mother and two sisters. They got squished on a bus."

Fine, fine. I know what you horror fans want- on-screen kiddie violence! A pint-sized Leif Garrett wreaking havoc! That's what I wanted, anyway. Sadly, this doesn't occur for...oh, about another hour. There's one death to tide you over in the interim, however- the kids bludgeon their doctor in a scene that's shown in the slowest slow motion ever. Really. It was so slow I started to think there was something wrong with my brain. It was so dark I couldn't tell what was going on. It was so long I began to hope that someone would come along and bludgeon me. The scene was five minutes long- yes, I timed it. From the first whack to the last, it took five minutes. In the slowest slow motion ever. In that time I experienced an entire rainbow of feelings: I was bored, angry, joyful, sad, repentant, and delirious.

Lest you think I'm exaggerating, I want you to take a little test. Look at a clock and note the time. You could stare at the clock for five whole minutes, or, in that time, you could finish reading this review and leave a comment. You could make a grilled cheese sandwich- maybe even take a bite. You could listen to 4 songs by Bikini Kill...and so on. FIVE FUCKING MINUTES is a VERY LONG FUCKING TIME. Sorry , but I need to stress that.

After The Longest Kill Scene Evarrrrr, the children stay with the adults in the chalet, playing up their roles as innocent victims of a terrible van accident.

Mayhem ensues!

Wait, still not yet. First we must have long, drawn-out scenes wherein people eat dinner, play chess, do the dishes, drink wine, work out, go sledding...and on and on. Then Rosario enjoys a banana.

FINALLY, in the last 20 minutes or so, the action picks up. The kids really go to town on the adults and we get death by axe, death by fire, death by spear, death by pirahna (yes, you read that correctly), death by bear traps and throat slashing, and death by...a swing with a pointy stick attached.

Where, oh where had you been for the last 70 minutes, sociopathic violent kiddie action? Where? Had you been present throughout the proceedings, I may feel differently about you. Had you not shown me new depths of boredom- depths I sincerely hope I never visit again- I might even like you. But as it stands, I can only give you 4 out of 10 the two best things about this movie are the following: 1) the graphics of the title placard, and 2) when Leif Garrett falls from a ladder and exclaims "My face! Look what you've done to my beautiful face!"s.

Children Hate You Week: Day 3

Stupid lying DVD box! You had me thinking that the titular boy of Cameron's Closet (1989) was going to wreak some psychic-ass havoc, tying in perfectly with my theme this week...but noooooo. Cameron has to be all cute and sweet and needs to be saved and shit. Cameron doesn't hate anyone! What gives, dammit? I mean, I know enough not to believe the copy when it tells me I'll be in for "the scare of a lifetime!" or whatever, and I certainly don't pay attention to the quotes from some critic at a TV station you've never heard of promising a "white knuckle rollercoaster ride of thrills you'll never forget!", but I do read the boxes for wee plot synopses so I know what I'm going to watch- especially for a theme week. Who wants to hear about a Children Hate You movie wherein the Child Does Not Hate? Bah!

Well, maybe it's my fault. Maybe I picked up the box, saw it was about a telekinetic child, and figured he must be evil. Then I got stars in my eyes over the names listed on the box: it's directed by Armand Mastroianni, he who directed He Knows You're Alone! It stars Leigh McCloskey of Dallas and Kim Lankford of Knot's Landing! It's almost too perfect! Sigh. You know, some day my love of nighttime soaps of yesteryear is going to really get me trouble.

OK, I can't imagine a scenario where a love of nighttime soaps of yesteryear would get anyone into trouble whatsoever, nevermind "really" getting someone in trouble, but it's delicious to contemplate.

I digress.

Cameron (Scott Curtis) is like any other average kid: his parents are divorced, he plays with action figures in his closet, he has a bowl haircut, and he's been subjected to odd psychic experiments at the hands of his dad (Tab Hunter) and his dad's research partner, Ben (Chuck McCann). It seems Cameron has some powerful telekinetic abilities, enough that his dad seems a bit...dare I say...afraid of him. And what are those weird noises emanating from the closet? We dont exactly know yet- but dad ends up meeting the business end of a floating machete. Maybe Cameron is evil after all- hooray!

With dad dispatched, Cameron goes to live with mom Dory (Kim Lankford) and her actor-cum-Cadillac owner boyfriend Bob. Mom's a chain-smoking, booze-swilling broad who loves to get down!

Though she's essentially well-meaning, Dory is also oblivious to Bob's all-too-familiar "sleazy stepdad" routine. He's still just her boyfriend, but Bob makes it clear to Cameron that he intends to marry Dory, and Cameron better watch out! Boy, the way Cameron is all quiet and unassuming, no wonder Bob needs to bully him and let him know who's boss! Once he gets too close to Cameron's closet, however, it's Bob who finds out who's the boss here...it's not Tony Danza, it's not Judith Light, and it's certainly not Bob. It's...

...a big rubber monster who lives in the closet. Bob gets his eyes burned out and defenestrated in a spectacular fashion, landing atop his beloved Caddy in a bit of poetic justice.

Meanwhile, detective Sergeant Sam Taliaferro (Cotter Smith) has been having terrible recurring nightmares that are seriously becoming increasingly detrimental to his job performance. Reluctantly, he goes to see police shrink Nora Haley (Mel Harris of television's thirtysomething) to sort out his problems. As luck would have it, they're both assigned to The Mysterious Case of the Death of Bob!

As our fearless duo slowly pieces together the mystery of Cameron's Closet, there's more monster-related shenanigans and deaths, including that of Sam's partner Pete (Leigh McCloskey). This made me sad- I wanted more Leigh McCloskey! He was on Dallas, dammit! But no, the heavens are against me. Leigh McCloskey is not the lead detective in the movie, and Leigh McCloskey is dead. Fie thee, Cameron's Closet...fie thee.

So what does our fearless duo discover? It turns out that Cameron's psychic abilities brought a demon over from Demonland. Said demon is living in the closet, gathering strength until the day when he can overcome Cameron's powers and take over the world! Mua ha ha, indeed.

Thankfully, however, Cameron gets his Emperor Palpatine on and has a "spectacular" showdown with the demon in pure 80's Spencer's Gifts fashion.

OK, so Cameron's Closet doesn't fit in with my criteria for Children Hate You Week at all. Cameron doesn't use his magical mind powers for nefarious purposes, much to my chagrin- he's a victim! He's a hero! Bah! Who needs it?

That said, I liked the movie well enough. It's got the plot from an episode of Tales from the Darkside or Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. Inadvertently resurrected demons? Psychic powers? yeah, that's Buffy all right. All that's missing are the cute people and the zingy one-liners.

The deaths are surprisingly bloody and there's many a gooey, reanimated corpse to be found here. The biggest problem is that damn demon- I mean, take a look at that picture up there. Once your evil monster is revealed and it's obviously made of rubber (not to mention that it resembles a phallus with sharp teeth and light-up eyes), well, your movie's only going to be so successful, you know? Again, I didn't think the movie was bad, despite the rubber monster and the Spencer Gifts finale. It's one of those B-Movies that's prime rainy-Sunday-afternoon viewing. I give it 5.75 out of 10 less moppet, more murder, pleases.

Children Hate You Week: Day 2

It's been years since I've seen Children of the Corn (1984) and I honestly don't remember much about it beyond this:

-Linda Hamilton! Peter Horton!
-I hate Malachai! He's eeeeevil!
-Wow, this movie is kinda cool...no, wait. Like many Stephen King books/movies, it starts out cool and scary and then...there's a big monster at the end that's not cool or scary. Dammit! (Yeah, It, I'm looking at you...evil clown who lives in the sewer and kills children? Mind-bogglingly terrifying. Giant spider that can be killed by a slingshot and some hope? Mind-bogglingly terrifying...in 1951.)

There must be some mega-CotC-fans out there, however, because there's an entire series of CotC films- seven freakin' movies! That's on par with Michael, Jason, and Freddy...who knew? This being Children Hate You Week, I felt obliged to watch at least one flick from the series. As I'd only seen the first one, I decided it didn't matter which one I'd take in for stunt week...they're all likely to be stinkers, right? So I chose the one with Naomi Watts, Children of the Corn IV: The Cornening Gathering (1996), figuring that even if the movie was a total waste of time, at least there'd be some pre-Ring, pre-Mulholland Drive Naomi Watts action. With my expectations grounded decidedly at zero, I watched the movie...and lo, something magical happened.

The movie was...kinda...good.

It's a Christmas miracle, a couple of weeks late! Let's hold hands.

Naomi Watts is Grace, a medical student who's taking some time off from school to care for her immediate family. Upon coming home to Corn County, Nebraska, Grace finds that her mother June (Karen Black at her frizzy best) is about to go off the deep end- her agoraphobia is becoming increasingly crippling and she's plagued by nightmares that feature weird children trying to kill her.

Now that Grace is saddled with caring for a cuckoo nutso mother as well as her two younger siblings, she's in need of some dough. Our Grace is nothing if not plucky, however, and she takes a job helping out at the local doctor's office/clinic.

Faster than you can say "ebola", all the children in town are stricken with a mysterious flu; their temperatures flare up over 105 degrees and they begin to convulse with powerful seizures. Grace and Doc Larson (William Windom) scramble to find a cause and a cure for the mysterious illness, but faster than you can say...uh, "ebola" again, the children are fine. Their temperatures return to normal and all is well in Corn County.

OK, so all is NOT well. A shadowy figure has crawled out of a well and is wreaking havoc in Corn County: not only is he killing people with farm implements, he seems to wield some sort of mind-control on the children. Soon enough, they're killing people with farm implements as well!

This is where CotC IV really surprised me. The movie is rated R and with good reason- the blood flows liberally and the camera doesn't shy away from the gore. There's nothing too over-the-top, but I did let out an "EWW!" or two during the proceedings. Lemme tell ya, in the battle of farm implements vs. body parts, I'd put my dollars on the farm implements.

Just who is this mysterious figure from the well, and why are all the town's children suddenly gathering in the cornfield (Oh my god..."gathering in the cornfield"! I so bet that's where they got the title for this movie!) at his behest? Grace gets her Nancy Drew on and visits Ye Olde Towne Crones, who willingly fill her in on the story of Josiah, The Amazing Boy Preacher and all the dark secrets of Corn County. Will Grace put an end to Josiah's evil ways and save Corn County, Nebraska...and the world? I'll never tell!

It's true, movies like Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering are what keep me going. Against all odds, a random direct-to-video horror flick- fourth in a mediocre-at-best series, even- comes out of nowhere with an intriguing, original story that's spooky, serious, and makes sense. It's got decent acting (I mean, Naomi Watts and Karen Black, y'all!), cringe-worthy effects (I mean the good kind of cringe-worthy- you know, the kind that makes you hide your face), and children who really do hate you. Movies like this restore my faith...hey, there are good horror movies out there waiting to be seen! Sometimes zero expectations are the best expectations. I give it 7 out of 10 "I can't believe I ate the whole thing!"s.

Children Hate You Week: Day 1

There's not much the crew here at Final Girl (the crew consisting of...me) loves more than an event week. I've had a few event weeks in the past, but I've anticipated none more than what begins today. Ladies and gents, I give you:

CHILDREN HATE YOU WEEK!

Sure, sure, I can hear you now..."Stacie, I believe the children are our future. We must teach them well and let them lead the way!"...to which I answer "Pfft!" If there's one thing I've learned from the movies, it's that children hate you and if given half a chance, they'll kill you mercilessly in their quest for world domination. In a bid to win their favor prior to the uprising, let's take this week and celebrate the murderous moppets, shall we? Bring on the killer kiddies, I say, for it's Children Hate You Week!

Careful there, Charles Nelson Reilly, or you'll be the first on their list.

After three movies featuring Damien Thorn as the Antichrist, 20th Century Fox decided to go all equal opportunity and feature a female spawn of Satan in The Omen IV: The Awakening, aka The Omen IV: The Omening, aka The Omen IV: Attack of the She-Omen!

This made-for-TV flick is essentially a complete re-telling of the original Omen story...with a She-Omen. Faye Grant and Michael Woods star as Karen and Gene York, an up-and-coming political power couple who can't seem to conceive a baby. They adopt young Delia from a nunnery and then...things start to happen. Sort of, anyway. Sure, we're in TV-land here, so I understand that the action needs to be...shall we say...tame, but Delia is supposed to be the friggin' Antichrist! Shouldn't that mean she does a bit more than bite dolls, scare horses, and induce heart attacks in priests?

Yeah, I said "bite dolls". I know it's supposed to be scary, but...well...

The Yorks hire a nanny, Jo (Ann Hearn), to look after Delia, who's becoming more and more troublesome, what with all the glaring and all the...all the...OK, she doesn't do much more than glare. But she sure is troublesome!

It seems Jo is one of those "New Age" types- she's got a crystal around her neck, she talks about auras, and she probably smells like some combination of patchouli and cat pee. Jo knows something is up when her crystals all turn black- There's Something About Delia, all right. Jo takes Delia to a Psychic Fair, to which Delia protests vehemently. Call me Antichrist Jr, but I don't blame her one bit. Who wants to walk around looking at macrame dreamcatchers and shit sold by stinky New Age hippies? Not me. Delia does the only sensible thing- she sets the Psychic Fair on fire. I think. It's hard to tell; one minute Delia and Jo are walking around and all the psychics act afraid. The next minute, the fair is on fire. Whether it was Delia's doings or not, I must applaud the effort.

Eventually Delia gets tired of Jo's shit and, in finest Omen fashion, we're treated to The Plummeting Nanny. Wheeee!

Where are the girl's parents during all this, you ask? Well, Gene is clueless about Delia's "misbehavior" and is rising fast in the political world. And Karen...is...pregnant! How can this be? I tells ya, it gets a bit confusing. There's fetuses within fetuses like so many Satanic Russian Nesting Dolls for starters. Nevermind all that, though. Karen is sure that Delia has nefarious motives and so she decides to figure things out, to stop Delia from whatever it is she is going to do, to have her baby, and to save the world. Can Karen do it? Uh, excuse me, we're talking about Faye Grant here. You know, freedom fighter Dr. Julie Parrish from V? Yeah, that's right. I think she has a little experience saving the world from beings who are not what they seem.

Don't you think Faye Grant and Marc Singer should be in everything? I do. But I digress.

Omen IV, I liked you so much more when you were The Omen. I give it 4 out of 10 seen one Antichrists, you've seen 'em alls.

Father Ponytail and the Exploding Barn

You'd be hard pressed to find a more slashery slasher flick than the 1980 Jamie Lee Curtis vehicle Prom Night. It's got virtually every element that defines the subgenre: an opening flashback that sets the "revenge" theme in motion, a holiday or special event around which to center the murders, archetypical characters, a Final Girl, ineffective/absent adults. The only slasher trope missing is the "remote location", yet all the elements add up to one dud of a movie- a "classic" dud, but a dud nonetheless. It's surprising, then, that such a mediocre flick would spawn 3 sequels...even more surprising is the fact that the three sequels have nothing to do with the first film...even MORE surprising is the fact that Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil (1992) has nothing to do with the two sequels that precede it, even. What's not so surprising, much to my chagrin, is that Prom Night IV is not a good movie.

We begin our sordid tale way back in 1957. It's Prom Night and a few horny teens are...gettin' down to business, if you catch my drift.

I mean they're doing it.

And by "it" I mean...you know...hee hee hee...I mean I don't mean the dishes.

Nor do I mean "The Hustle".

I mean they're having sex in the backseats of their cars. Sheesh, are you so naive? Anyway, along comes Father Jonas (James Carver) to "cleanse all the sluts and whores".

Man, it's always with the cleansing of the sluts and whores with these psycho types, you know? Oh, and by "cleanse" he means "kill". Father Jonas does some stabbing and is soon locked away in the church basement by the church elders. Yeah, they don't actually do much about Father Jonas's little cuckoo nutso killing act besides sort of sweeping him under the rug. You know how those wacky Catholics can be!

Suddenly, as if by magic, the year is 1991. Father Colin (Brock Simpson) is the new caretaker of Father Jonas; yes, Jonas is still alive. He's alive, he's apparently possessed, he's being kept catatonic by daily injections of mystery drugs, and he's wicked hairy.

Father Colin, the young upstart that he is, wants to see if he can "get through" to Jonas. First order of business: "getting through" all that Cousin Itt-flavored nastiness. Colin shaves Jonas's face and puts his hair in a stylin' 1992-era ponytail. Second order of business: stopping those stupid injections! Surely Father Colin can exorcise whatever's troubling poor Father Jonas.

Trivia interlude! Brock Simpson appeared in all four Prom Night flicks in different roles...wow! Impress your friends with your newfound knowledge!

Now where was I...ah, yes. Father Colin is an idiot. With those mystery drugs out of his system, Father Jonas is back in black...and action. He kills Colin and is soon off to find some more of those pesky sluts and whores to "cleanse".

Lucky for Father Jonas, he's awakened on Prom Night! You see, Prom Night is the night when sluts and whores walk the earth. All you need to do to make them appear is hold a baby's-breath-and-carnation corsage in one long-gloved hand, drink Boone's Farm Strawberry or Mad Dog 20/20 from a champagne flute emblazoned with "Prom Night" in fancy script, rock back and forth methodically to "Seasons Change" by Expose, and say "Seven Minutes in Heaven" 5 times. Legend has it that a whore or a slut will appear right behind you!

Two modern-day horny couples decide to forgo Prom Night altogether, however, and have a weekend getaway at...gasp...an old monastery. This decision raised some interesting questions for me as an audience member, among them:

*"Ye old monastery" doesn't really have anything to do with Father Jonas, so why make a big deal about it?

*Why is it snowing on Prom Night?

*How, o filmmakers, will you hold my interest for the next hour-plus now that you've segregated these four characters? You've got 70 minutes to kill off four people. Snooze.

*Why would you even opt to segregate four characters in a horror movie when there's a whole gymnasium full of horny teens ready to meet the business end of Father Jonas's cross?

*Why hasn't Father Jonas aged in 40 years? For that matter, why bring in the whole "possession" angle when he looks normal and only sort of glares at people? I know possession. That's not possession. That's just being weird.

And so on. Eventually, Father Jonas gets around to killing three out of the four horny teens. Our Final Girl Meagan (Nicole de Boer) goes mano a mano with the padre and ends up...setting him on fire in a barn. Or a shed. I couldn't tell. Then this happened:

...and you know, it almost made up for some of the general crappiness of the movie. I'm tellin' ya, no matter where or when I see it, there's no time that the person runs towards the camera whilst escaping a burning building and then the person has to leap because the building totally just blew up bit doesn't bring a smile to my face. So to find it in that most unexpected of places, a slasher flick, well, it tickled me.

Sadly enough, Prom Night IV: Deliver Us From Evil needed about eight more explosions to make up for the otherwise dull proceedings. I give it 3 out of 10 hey, I should totally write a children's book based on the title of this post!s.

Final Girl Film Club Selection #4

I know, I know, it's been a while since we've had a Final Girl Film Club meeting. What can I say? I am very very important* and even more wicked very busy**, so you'll take what I can give you and you'll LIKE IT!

Now that the unpleasantness is out of the way, allow me to introduce the next selection up for viewing and discussing:

THE INITIATION!

Yes, it's time we dive head first into some primo, pure Grade-B, mid-80s Drive-In style cheesy slasher goodness, baby.

Indeed, The Initiation (1984) has it all: shopping malls, sorority girls, uh...initiations, evil twins, Hunter Tylo of television's The Bold and the Beautiful, Clu Gulager (Return of the Living Dead), and, as if you need any more than that to get you interested, let me just mention two little words to you:

"Daphne"

"Zuniga"

I'm talkin' 'bout Jo muthafuckin' Reynolds of Melrose Place, Willis! I love Daphne Zuniga. I love Daphne Zuniga. But then, don't we all? I mean, really. She's so...of an era. Spaceballs, The Sure Thing, The Fly II, Gross Anatomy, Pranks...and as I said, Melrose Place. I love Melrose Place so much that I may or may not have considered making out with my Season One box set. I love it almost as much as I love Dallas...almost.

Anyway, I don't want to get off-track here too much. Here's the link to the movie on Netflix (featuring the wrong box art and everything!), and here it is on Amazon, in a 2-pack from Anchor Bay. As always, I'll do a write-up on the due date. If you've got your own site and decide to do a write-up as well, let me know for some hot hotlinkin' action. Otherwise, I hope the comments section here becomes like a cyber-salon, you know, where we can all expound and shit.

I'm going to reiterate now, folks, this is gonna be some B-Grade stuff. Invite your friends over, pick up a twelve-pack, and enjoy all the gratuitous nudity, big hair, slasher violence, shopping mall action, and Daphne Zuniga to be found in this flick. We'll all have cyber-fun together, huzzah!

The movie: The Initiation
The due date: January 15


*lame
**wicked lame

Ho ho uh oh

They say there's no such thing as "bad" publicity, that if people are talking about you or your product, it's always a good turn. Did the controversy surrounding Black Christmas (releasing it on Christmas day- the nerve!) get people into theatres or has word-of-mouth about the flick's overall suckitude kept audiences away? I have no idea. I can't find numbers for the film's budget anywhere, but the gross so far has been about $12 million. Is that good or bad? What am I, an accountant? I have no idea, but I'm sure DVD sales will help the movie, stinker though it is, turn a profit.

Whatever the dollar totals turn out to be, the controversy surrounding the release date did get people talking about the film. It seems Sony Screen Gems is hoping to ride another controversy train to jewels and riches:

They're remaking Silent Night, Deadly Night.

Yup, the nasty 1984 slasher about a rampaging Santa Claus, the mediocre flick whose biggest contribution to the genre is the fact that it got Mickey Rooney's panties in a twist, is the lastest horror movie up for a "reimagining". Moviehole's got the scoop:

The championing producers are David Foster (The Thing) and Ryan Heppe. Nick Phillips and Scott Strauss are also onboard.

Joe Harris, of The Tripper fame, is in talks to write the remake, which “will not be a remake of the original picture, but a total reimagining using the basic concept as a platform for a new franchise. Extreme attention has been placed on putting together a top-notch, terrifying screenplay as most films in this sub-genre (including the recently released Black Christmas) have little to no story and very weak scares. The intent is to create a dark and scary film that falls more in line (in terms of tone) with modern released such as Saw and The Descent.

We’re assured that Screen Gems isn’t just horny to ride the “make a cheap slasher movie that milks a famous title” train, but that it plans to really snap a firecracker under the rear of the Silent Night remake – hoping it’ll go ‘right off!’

Silent Night, Deadly Night is indeed a sleazy little movie, and that's one of the biggest things going for it- that mean-spirited approach to "the most wonderful time of the year". Otherwise, I can't say it's a great horror movie or even a scary one, although I do adore Will Hare's turn as the miner 49er-esque, sometimes catatonic, crazy old grampa ("You see Santa, boy, run for your life!").

I don't care much one way or the other about the original, so I can only shake my head at the fact that there's yet another remake coming down the pike. I shake my head far more vigorously, however, at the notion of turning a movie as tasteless and cheesy as Silent Night, Deadly Night into a movie as mature and well-crafted as The Descent. How odd. It's like trying to transform White Castle sliders into filet mignon...is it even possible? My gut says no (especially to the sliders), but only time will tell. Either way, people will be talking about it.

The Worst Noel

Two nights ago, I took my seat in Theatre 4 of the Regal 16 at the exact moment Black Christmas began. I almost didn't make the show at all- I was far too consumed by playing "Free Bird" on my fake guitar to pay attention to the clock. 15 minutes before showtime, however, I started driving like a supernova and showed up seconds before the title popped up onscreen. As I took off my jacket, I put on my metaphorical oversized novelty foam finger that has "HORROR MOVIES #1!" emblazoned across it as an attempt to cheer on the movie that was just starting. My love of the original Black Christmas hardened my heart against the remake I was about to watch, but I still wanted the movie to rock. Sometimes remakes are...you know...good. I like the Final Destination series an awful lot, and the dudes behind those flicks are behind Black Christmas, so that gave me some hope. I decided to forget the original as much as possible and view the remake as its own entity entirely. Hey, maybe the movie would be fun. Maybe the movie would be scary! Maybe...just maybe...the movie wouldn't suck. Wave on, metaphorical oversized novelty foam finger...wave on.

Sadly, dreams don't always come true. The home team doesn't always win. And in this instance, the finger I ended up waving at the screen was my middle one- and trust me, it wasn't metaphorical.

Simply put, Black Christmas gets everything wrong. Everything. It's too ludicrous to be taken seriously as a horror film, yet not so ludicrous as to be a grody joyride like, say, Final Destination 2. The audience was laughing, but at the movie, not with the movie. All the death scenes were the same (bag over head, bludgeoned with *insert item X here*, take eyeballs), which gets boring real fast. The characters, while paper-thin, were not the archetypes usually found in slasher films. They were all long-haired bitches, their names inconsequential.

I know I've stated this before, but damn I'm tired of movies filled with "friends" who hate each other. Arguments are one thing, but the girls of Kappa Delta Blackchristmasa or whatever the sorority was called are only bitches. They're mean to each other, they insult each other, they call each other names. I should care when they die? And when they all suddenly "band together" in sisterhood to fight the baddie, it's that much more unbelievable.

This time around, we get the full (the much much way too fucking much full) story of the man in the attic, Billy. In the original film, we had no idea why Billy was in the house or if "Billy" was really even his name. Why was he killing these girls? What did those horrifying phone calls mean? Director Bob Clark revealed nothing about the killer except one terrifying eyeball. Glen Morgan and James Wong, on the other hand, give us overacted, nonsensical flashback after flashback revealing the skinny on Billy's rise to infamy.

It seems, you see, that he was born...yellow. Yes, he was born yellow and his shrewish drunkard mother hated him for it, for surely the fact that it's stricken with liver disease is a reason to hate a baby. A few years later, mom kills dad and locks son in the attic. When Billy is "of an age", she visits him in the attic and inexpicably...uh, humps him. Nine months later, along comes little Agnes, Billy's daughter/sister. When Agnes is "of an age", Billy really flips out and kills mom, making Christmas cookies from her flesh. He's committed to an insane asylum and Agnes disappears without a trace.

The house where all these ludicrous atrocities occurred is now a sorority house. It's Christmas and Billy has escaped the asylum- he's comin' home for some killin'!

Are you shaking your head as much as I am at all this? I'm not going to give away what happens after Billy escapes the asylum, but trust me when I say that it gets much, much worse.

The worst sin committed by Black Christmas, in my opinion, is that it's simply not scary in any way, shape, or form. One of the best aspects of the original film was the ample tension in the bare bones plot- there was a killer in the house, unbeknownst to the occupants. Mere fleeting glances of the killer added to the mystique. In the new film, there is absolutely zero tension and even less mystique. We know everything about Billy. We see him all the time- he's got endless Habitrail tunnels all over the fucking house and he shows up in every room. Because he clomps around in the attic all heavy-footed, the girls in the house all know he's there as well- it's just a matter of not getting killed by him.

I won't even go into the fact that casting a male as the adult Agnes (for no apparent reason) resulted in a laughably bad "scary woman who kills". I just won't go into it.

In the original film, the phone calls from Billy to the girls are simultaneously humourous and horrifying. In layered voices that sound as if pulled from a Mercedes McCambridge fever dream, Billy begins with over-the-top obscenities and somehow escalates the induced terror by downgrading the outrageousness to a simple, quietly stated "I'm going to kill you." They're long, terrifying phone calls. In the new film, the characters need to tell us that the calls are terrifying, by claiming that the calls sound like they're coming from a "demon", though that claim couldn't be further from the truth. The calls, like the kills, are brief and bland. Hey filmmakers! Just scare me, don't tell me I should be scared. That distinction separates effective horror from "horror" and can make all the difference in the quality of the film.

Technical aspects of the film take away any potential suspense as well. The death scenes are loud and abrupt. Within three seconds of walking into a darkened room, the character is dead. There's no stalking, there's no spare music, there's no wondering where the killer is lurking. Open door, bag over head, goodnight Irene. While the set direction is appropriate and nice-looking, there's no spookiness to the house- there's no shadows, nowhere to hide; it's all awash in Christmas warmth. That's a realistic setting to be sure, but the onus is on the filmmakers to transform the comforting and familiar into the unfamiliar and frightening, and that's just not done here- there's a notable lack of atmosphere, despite the pretty and elaborate set dressing.

Black Christmas pales in comparison to the original film. This would be forgivable if the film still managed to stand on its own as something enjoyable, fun, disturbing, or anything besides a complete waste of time. If only "Free Bird" were 10 minutes longer...

da winnah!

Hooray! After a lengthy and very VERY extremely complicated scientific process, a winner has been chosen for the Final Girl Dazzling Curtains Giveaway Sweepstakes. Congratulations to Final Girl reader Matthew Bartush, for HE is the lucky fella who now owns at least one videocassette.

But seriously, folks, aren't we ALL winners here? Yes...yes, we are. Don't be down if you are not Matthew Bartush! You're STILL a winner to me.

I know what you're thinking..."Uh, what exactly did I win here, Stacie? 'Cause it sure ain't a copy of Curtains on VHS."

Well, my friends, I'll tell you what you've won. No, you can't hold it in your hand or put it in your VCR. You can't gaze upon it and muse about how you are kinda sorta only 2 steps removed from Tori Spelling now. You can't sleep with what you've won under your pillow because it used to belong to Final Girl.

You see, everyone who entered and didn't win, you've actually won something far, far more lasting than a simple video. You have won my neverending gratitude for reading my humble site here and for taking the time to enter the contest, THAT'S what you've won. And despite what Whitney Houston says, it's having my neverending gratitude that is, in fact, the greatest love of all.

I hope each and every one of you has a kickass New Year's Eve and an even...kickassier 2007.

Yay, sayeth Tori.

Last Dazzling Chance!

Tonight at 11:59 pm EST, the Final Girl Dazzling Curtains Giveaway Sweepstakes Extravaganza will turn back into a pumpkin!

SO, if you want a chance to win a copy of Curtains on VHS, send an email to me at stacieponder@gmail.com with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates!. I'll pick a winner and that lucky person will...uh, win.

You have nothing to lose and only everything to gain by entering! And by "everything", I mean a videocassette of a cool, rare old slasher flick. Only jerks don't enter giveaway contests!

I can keep a theecret

If you read my little random facts about me that you probably don't care about but I feel the need to write something profile over there to the right, you'll see that I've admitted to wearing my favorite clothes until they literally fall apart. Trust me, I didn't write that in some sort of misguided attempt to make you think I'm cool- I know you already think I'm wicked fuckin' mega-cool, right? Right? Yes. Well then. No, I wrote that little chestnut because it's absolutely true. It's ok- I draw the line at wearing clothes outside of the house with holes in them. I mean, I'm not exactly ready to cross over into full-on vagabond mode, although I do carry my possessions tied up in a bandanna on a long stick in lieu of a purse. When I get hold of a shirt or sweater I like, though, it'll take nearly total garment disintegration to pry it from my hands. Frayed collars, frayed cuffs...they're comforting, what can I say?

There are some movies out there that are the cinematic equivalent of those threadbare t-shirts. They're not great or anything I'd trot out if I wanted to impress someone, but they're familiar and comforting...and dammit, I know they're not good but I like 'em anyway. I'm not talking about movies that are so-bad-they're-good...I'm talking about movies you've seen 800 times before with slight variations in character, setting, and circumstance. I'm talking about movies that adhere to a formula but you don't mind so much because you like the formula to begin with.

This is exactly the case with the Korean flick Nightmare (aka Gawi, 2000), a movie that could easily be the result of a night of sweet sweet romantic lovemaking between I Know What You Did Last Summer and The Ring. In a nutshell:

1) Friends have secret! They done did a bad, bad thing and someone ended up dead.

2) Dead person comes back to kill friends! Dead person has long black hair. Dead person pops up unexpectedly and acts all starey.

"Oooooohhh! I am a totally new screen sensation unlike anything you've ever seen before!"

Voila! How many times have we seen this plot played out? A gazillion, at the least. In fact...now don't quote me on this, but I'm totally 100% sure that the friends kill someone by accident but decide to keep it a secret and then the dead person comes back for revenge idea was first brought to life in It Happened One Night, way back in 1934. I'm just going by the title, of course, but what else could that movie possibly be about? See? It's a veritable chestnut of a plot! Timeless!

The point is, there's absolutely nothing in Nightmare that won't be completely familiar to you. I mean nothing. No, really, nothing. It's all been done before, often much, much better. Did I enjoy watching the movie? Well, yeah, I most certainly did. It's a supernatural slasher flick that's got competent direction and more-than-competent acting. What's not to like? Perhaps only the fact that it treads absolutely zero new ground...

I won't much remember it beyond the time it takes me to write this review, but spending 90 minutes with Nightmare was...enjoyable. Nothing more, nothing less. I simply happen to enjoy movies wherein people do foolish things in an attempt to cover-up a crime and their secret comes back to bite 'em in the ass. It's a weakness, I admit it. So sue me.

There's a few almost-creepy moments (yeah, "almost-creepy" is about as creepy as it got) and the kills are surprisingly bloody. Though they're not really worth the wait, the last moments of the film are the best moments of the film. I must say, however, that the film does have what I'm pretty sure is The Most Beautiful Female Cast in Any Movie Ever (that needs to be capitalized because, well, all the women in this movie were...uh, sort of ridiculously beautiful). Still, though, I can't really recommend you seek this movie out or make an effort to catch it. Unless maybe you're like me, and you've got frayed cuffs. I give it 4 out of 10 I'd rate it higher because I liked it but I know it's such a total retread and if I rated it higher and people sought it out because of the higher rating then they'd get all mad and be like "Hey, what the fuck? That movie was a total retread!"...so maybe I should just rate it a 4 but really it's a secret 6.5 out of 10s.

tagged

You know those Internerd survey question-and-answer thingies, like the one I posted right here? Well, I done got "tagged" to answer a few more movie-related questions. Yup, my good ol' cyberpals cattleworks and Heather (click their names to read their surveys answers...do it!) want to read my answers to the following questions...and since they do, I can only assume that there are hundreds of thousands, if not gajillions of other cyberfolk out there who want the same.

"internerd"..."tagged"..."cyber"..."the"...I'm living on the edge here in this modern, computerized age here, people; careful, don't cut yourselves. Now then- questions and answers!

Dammit, Charles Nelson Reilly, don't be such a spoil sport. That is most definitely not the Christmas Spirit.

1. Popcorn or candy?
For what? When I'm trying to lure children into my big dirty van, I'd have to say that I've had more success with candy. Puppies, of course, are golden, but a bag of Sour Patch Kids can do the trick in a pinch.

I always say that I hate popcorn, but it's not really true. What I hate is having people around me who are eating popcorn. It kind of drives me crazy, especially when I don't want popcorn. The entire room smells of it, and then all you hear for a half hour is "rustle rustle rustle...crunch crunch crunch" while people rummage around in the bag and then cram way too much popcorn in their mouths at once- or they do the non-stop, rapid fire, vacuumesque one-piece-at-a-time method. Either way, grody to the max.

Remember that movie Popcorn? Yeah.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
Audition Audition Audition! It never seems to happen. I even had the damn thing in my house for a week or so and never got around to watching it. What the hell? I want to see it, I've been told I should see it, but I can't make it happen. I suck. I keep meaning to see Wolf Creek as well, but alas. Later today I'll punch myself and sit in the corner thinking about how bad I am.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar : Who loses theirs and to whom?

I haven't watched the Oscars in a few years. Not to turn this into some kind of dry intellectual discourse, but I find them to be a little...retarded, although I'll admit I feel a little teary-eyed when the words "Cher" and "Bob Mackie" are uttered in the same breath. That said, however, I think the Oscars sealed their doom when Ellen Burstyn's performance in Requiem for a Dream lost out to Julia Roberts' in Erin Brockovich. I mean, what's next? Teddy bears getting married?

Oh my god...NOOOOOOOOO!

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be?

Admission: When I was but a wee bonny lass, I stole a cassette of the Pretty in Pink soundtrack from a local record store. I was so completely wracked with guilt I couldn't even listen to the damn thing, so I can't imagine I'd go through with stealing anything else ever. Except maybe office supplies from a job. Or jewels from the rich. Or maybe insulin from someone's mailbox if I needed it. Or candy from a whiny baby. Maybe I'd steal a car if it was nice.

I'm actually stealing right this minute.

When I think movie costume, I think "costume", like Darth Vader or some shit. And despite my propensity for appearing at comic conventions, I don't think I need a Darth Vader costume "for my wardrobe". So to answer the question...wait, what was the question?


5. Your favorite film franchise is…
As nerdish as it may be (and despite all of its glaring problems), I'd have to say Star Wars. It ain't perfect (or even close), but I'm of the age where I grew up on Star Wars and it's got a place in my heart.

Runners up: Romero's zombie movies, the Alien flicks...maybe even the Friday the 13th series.

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why’d you invite them? What do you feed them?
Whaaaaa? Damn. Umm...hmm. Do I need to think about how the five people will interact with each other or just me? Can I invite my friends, too, so I have someone to talk to if the "movie people" all suck? Will someone buy me a dinner table so we all have somewhere to sit? Gah! Fuck this Martha Stewart shit.

OK, I'd invite...umm...who the hell would I invite? Crap. Uh...ok. George Romero seems like a nice guy. And those glasses! Yes, perhaps George Romero. 4 more...man, this is hard. Who else would I want to talk to? Maybe Jamie Lee Curtis- she's been in gobs of slashers and might have something to say. And maybe she remembers all her smoove moves from Prom Night and can teach them to us after dinner. A disco-dancing George Romero...ok, now this dinner is starting to take shape. I might invite Christophe Gans and Roger Avery (a package deal) so we can talk about Silent Hill 2, because I'm completely sure that my insight would insure a stellar sequel (cough cough).

How many people am I up to? Dang. Ah! I know! Adrienne Barbeau. Absofuckinglutely. She's got some stories to tell, I'm sure of it. You know, I don't really care about "meeting famous people" beyond the novelty factor, but Adrienne Barbeau is another story. Ok...and...John Carpenter? Maybe. I don't know if he'd be cool or dreadful, you know? I mean, it is an entire dinner. But he's got a good brain to pick. Lastly, I'd invite Jessica Biel to sit directly across from me for obvious reasons.

Duh, I'm a huuuuuuge 7th Heaven fan.

What would I serve these people? Perhaps the person who is magically providing a big table will also provide food.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
I suppose I should give some clever answer here involving physical cruelties and torture, but I have a problem with doling out and/or witnessing physical cruelties and torture in real life, so I'll be a big lame-o and say "They have to leave the theatre, dammit!". That's harsh, right? I'll admit, though, the term "exploding heads" does have its charms.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.
I need a bodyguard suddenly? I feel so Whitney Houston! I have arrived, baby!

I plead the fifth because the question feels a little too "Who would win in a fight, Thor or the Hulk?" for me.

I'd choose Ripley.

9. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen in a movie?
I talked about this kind of thing to a degree way back when, right here. Read and be informed!

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is?
What did comedy and drama ever to to be shunned like that? Can I say dramedy? Is that allowed? Huh? Is it? Well, I like horror movies, in case you didn't know. I also like made-for-TV movies, hokey-ass action movies, and disaster movies with all-star casts. Some sci-fi is good. I like movies- why must they all be labeled and categorized and segregated? Can't we all just live together in perfect harmony, like ebony and ivory? We are one world...have you learned nothing from Benetton ads, o internet questions?

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?
No "mega-watt star power" in anything. Other than that, I have no idea. Well, there must be good scripts and small flicks out there that aren't given a chance, though, and I'd change that.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?
Again, I say, for what? And what's with all the questions? Jesus. But really, "Bonnie or Clyde"? Come on.

I choose Faye Dunaway, how's that?

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey? (Three or more)
I admit, as silly as these question things are, I'd really like to read answers from Amanda by Night, Des, and John Barleycorn. The Final Girl 7. Oh, and of course you!

Man, this thing wiped me out. Well, Charles Nelson Reilly, what do you think now?

Christ, there is just no pleasing that guy.

coal

So I was all set to go see Black Christmas, right? The whole, you know, "Christmas" thing was over and I was all like "Finally I don't have to open any more nice gifts people have given me or eat any more nice food that people have made for me. Yes, finally the cheers are over and it's time for the jeers to begin...it's time for some Black Christmas. And some booze." I opened up the ol' hometown paper only to find...the movie is not playing here. Not on any of the 80 jillion screens in southeastern Connecticut. How can this be? Was the viewing of horror movies in a big fat cineplex not what Santa Claus intended when he invented Christmas? I mean, what the f, Connecticut? What. The. F. Pity me, for my viewing of the flick will have to wait a few days until I return to the Final Girl Headquarters. In the meantime, you're on my list, Connecticut. First there's The Nutmeg Incident and now this. Watch your back, that's all I'm sayin'.

Silent Hill 2 is in the works, with Christophe Gans set to return to the director's chair and (lamentable sigh) Roger Avery to return to the writer's...uh, pencil and paper.

There's been some more casting announcements for Rob Zombie's Halloween. Malcolm McDowell has been cast as wacky Dr. Loomis and Tyler Mane (Sabretooth from the X-Men flicks) will be the adult Michael Myers. Meh. Shmeh. Fleh. McDowell's a decent choice, I suppose, and I can't speak much to Tyler Mane...unless Zombie's got Michael all flapping his gums and whatnot, who cares who's under the mask? They've just got to be able to move, you know, in a menacing fashion. Unlike the Michael Myerseses in the last 14 Halloween sequels. So long as Michael doesn't look like a chubby, pasty-faced troll doll (as in...err, the last 14 Halloween sequels), I couldn't care less.

Stuff to see

Now, I don't speak Spanish...BUT! This video is obviously 100% irrefutable absolute proof that there's a WITCH flying around where people speak Spanish. 100% irrefutable absolute proof! Man, between this and the chupacabra, I'm totally moving to Mexico.



Alright, kids. It's time for me to wish you and yours a happy holiday season, whatever holidays you happen to celebrate. I'll be back next week after the egg nog has been downed, the gifts have been opened, the punches have been thrown and Black Christmas has been seen. In the meantime, here's a video of everyone's favorite prancin' grannies, the Del Rubio Triplets. I'm kind of obsessed with them, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Ho ho ho!



And DON'T FORGET to enter my DAZZLING CURTAINS GIVEAWAY CONTEST. This is your final warning! Send me an email at stacieponder@gmail.com with the subject line Donna Martin Graduates! by midnight, December 30 to enter for your chance to win a copy of the 1983 slasher flick Curtains on VHS. Now that's the Christmas spirit!