Mar 30, 2009
Film Club: The Beyond
When you break it all down to the nitty and the gritty, The Beyond (1981- sweet) isn't difficult to comprehend. At a Louisiana hotel in 1927, a painter named Schweick (Antoine Saint-John) is nailed to a wall and doused with quick lime by a torch-wielding mob who claims the man is, in fact, a warlock.
Fifty-odd years later, Liza (Catriona MacColl) inherits the hotel from a distant relative. As it's being refurbished to become business-ready, bad juju long thought dead is stirred up once more. Joe the Plumber (Giovanni De Nava) breaks a wall to find the source of a leaky pipe, only to find the desiccated remains of Schweick. This being a Lucio Fulci film, explicit ocular trauma ensues.
Soon thereafter, Liza meets Emily (Cinzea Monreale (as Sarah Keller)), a hot blind chick just a-hangin' out in the middle of the road with her faithful companion dog Dickie.
Emily tells Liza that she's been "looking for her", and goes on to warn her not to reopen the hotel. It's built over one of the seven gates to Hell, and should the gate open, well...that would, like, be bad and stuff.
Liza's from New York, though, so she feels adequately prepared to deal with whatever Hell might spew forth. She marches boldly into Schweick's room and lo and behold, bad stuff happens. Like, the dead can walk and they're awfully slow and depressed-looking, but they still want to KILL KILL KILL kind of stuff.
With the help of hr new pal Dr. John "I'm a doctor so I don't believe any of this crap" McCabe (David Warbeck), Liza must figure out a way to re-seal the gate before H-E-double hockey sticks comes completely to Earth.
See? Easy, breezy, beautiful...or at least, you'd think. As I said, however, this is a Fulci film and as such, the simplest of plots becomes twisted in and around a nightmare of great visuals, over-the-top gore, and horrendous dialogue that is frequently nonsensical. As a viewer, you'll either worry about things in the film that really make no sense whatsoever (did that acid spill itself, and how did it end up pouring all over the woman as she lay on the ground, since she was standing across the room from it...?) or you'll sit back and enjoy the ride (me like cool acid burning face shot and bloody foam! or foamy blood! or whatever!).
There's more than enough fun- though I sort of hesitate to use that word- to be had here if you're willing to experience The Beyond rather than think about it. The effects range from pretty damn good to pretty damn bad as we see tarantulas eating faces, a girl getting her head blown off, and more ooey gooey dripping goo than can be found at your local...your local... umm... goo factory.
There's some genuine terror to be found here as well; I'm thinking specifically of the scene where Joe the Plumber's eyeless corpse rises from the fetid water of a bathtub...had I seen that as a young'un, my brain would have broken right in half. The film's ending is beautiful and haunting, as Liza and John find themselves in the vast wasteland of the afterlife, doomed to an existence as sentinels o' Hell.
Plenty of folks think The Beyond is an overrated mess; plenty of others think it's Fulci's finest effort. I'd say it's somewhere in between- it's an atmospheric, zombie-riffic, painful-looking-contact-lens-riddled good time. Sometimes it's okay to just be entertained, you know? And boy, was I entertained. I've also got a hankering for more Italian zombie flicks...
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Film Club Coolies, y'all!
-----------------------------
Hagi's Movie-a-Day
New Otherton
Banned in Queensland
Creature Cast
Zombie Cupcake
From the Depths of DVD Hell
Matt Hersh
Hugo Stiglitz Makes Movies
Aphorisms and Ectoplasm
The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
Awesomeness For Awesome's Sake
Gorillanaut
The Horror Section
The Inevitable Zombie Apocalypse
Sam Hawken
Acidemic Film
TODAY'S VOCAB:
1981,
Final Girl Film Club,
reviews,
zombies
Mar 28, 2009
hear ye, hear ye!
Don't forget, children, Monday is Film Club Day...so be sure to get yer Beyond on before then!
Email your write-ups (or whatever you've got planned) to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com, and be sure to link to Final Girl in there somewhere.
Mua ha ha...MUA HA HA I SAY.
Email your write-ups (or whatever you've got planned) to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com, and be sure to link to Final Girl in there somewhere.
Mua ha ha...MUA HA HA I SAY.
Mar 27, 2009
The Manipu--
I know we're not supposed to judge books by their covers and all that...but then, if that's really true, why doesn't every form of media simply come in a plain brown package? Youfeelme? In a sense, it would make things easier and perhaps, my life less painful. I mean, when I see this cover...
...and I know it's supposed to be a horror movie and not, say, a heartwarming film about a kindly old man who makes marionettes to entertain retarded orphans or something, I have to admit, my first thought is going to be "This will be the greatest movie ever ever EVARR." That's just how I'm wired...and lemme tell you, it never turns out the way I'd like it to. Never. NEVARR!
Mickey Rooney enters a disused...movie studio? Theatre? TGI Fridays?...eh, some cobwebby place with lots of crazy crap everywhere. He's sporting longish hair, tinted glasses, black gloves, and a black trench coat. I immediately wonder why no one has ever thought to cast Paul Williams in a giallo...it seems like a match made in heaven to me.
Anyhooze, it seems that this mysterious fellow is no longer a star, and that makes him CA-RAZY! He talks to himself, he talks to mannequins, he sees pasty naked old people dancing...one wonders if this is the fate that awaits Tila Tequila.
By the way, if the pasty naked broad on the right was actually Edith Massey, The Manipulator probably would be the greatest movie ever ever EVARR. But it's not, and it isn't.
Mickey Rooney sweats, jibber-jabbers, gnashes his teeth, prances around...and I know that sounds awesome but it's really, really not. Like, it's so not that it exists in a dimension entirely different from what is awesome. I don't think that makes sense- I don't get science- but maybe you catch my drift.
It turns out that Mickey Rooney has kidnapped some woman to partake in his macabre games of madness! She sits in a wheelchair and yells "Mr Laaaaannnnnng! Mr Laaannnnnnnng!" over and over and over and overandoverandoverANDOVERANDOVER and so Mickey Rooney...err, Mr Laaaaannnnnng feeds her some applesauce to get her to shut up.
At this point, I'm 13 minutes into the movie and I want to set myself on fire. I knew I wasn't going to make it through The Manipulator...maybe my immune system isn't what it used to be, or maybe I'm starting to feel my mortality and, you know, 90 minutes is a decent chunk out of the finite time I've got left on this planet. The point is, I decided to give the movie until the 30-minute mark and if I was still feeling like self-immolation was a better option than watching it, I'd turn that shit off.
Then, at the 22-minute mark, this happened:
...yup, Mickey Rooney in a face full of makeup, looking like the stunt double for that broad on The Drew Carey Show (I love the word "broad", as if you can't tell by the way I've been running it into the ground lately, especially in this post). I thought I might be able to salvage something good from The Manipulator yet.
Alas, alack, it was not to be. When Mickey Rooney in makeup can't save the movie, you know the movie is bad...and trust me, "bad" doesn't begin to describe this excruciating pile of dook. I know the director really thought he was giving the audience a window into insane madness, but between the rambling monologues, weird "dream visions", fucking sped-up sequences featuring some sort of harpsichord bullshit, the real insane madness here was mine and mine alone.
Because I possess both rage and honor, not unlike my heroette Cynthia Rothrock, I was true to my word (that's the honor part) and kept The Manipulator in until the timer hit 0:30, when Rooney was parading around in some Cyrano De Bergerac getup. Then I hit stop and pulled the DVD out of the player in such a fury (that's the rage part) that it literally* caught on fire, ensuring that I can't possibly watch any of this dreadful movie ever again.
*the DVD did not catch fire at all
...and I know it's supposed to be a horror movie and not, say, a heartwarming film about a kindly old man who makes marionettes to entertain retarded orphans or something, I have to admit, my first thought is going to be "This will be the greatest movie ever ever EVARR." That's just how I'm wired...and lemme tell you, it never turns out the way I'd like it to. Never. NEVARR!
Mickey Rooney enters a disused...movie studio? Theatre? TGI Fridays?...eh, some cobwebby place with lots of crazy crap everywhere. He's sporting longish hair, tinted glasses, black gloves, and a black trench coat. I immediately wonder why no one has ever thought to cast Paul Williams in a giallo...it seems like a match made in heaven to me.
Anyhooze, it seems that this mysterious fellow is no longer a star, and that makes him CA-RAZY! He talks to himself, he talks to mannequins, he sees pasty naked old people dancing...one wonders if this is the fate that awaits Tila Tequila.
By the way, if the pasty naked broad on the right was actually Edith Massey, The Manipulator probably would be the greatest movie ever ever EVARR. But it's not, and it isn't.
Mickey Rooney sweats, jibber-jabbers, gnashes his teeth, prances around...and I know that sounds awesome but it's really, really not. Like, it's so not that it exists in a dimension entirely different from what is awesome. I don't think that makes sense- I don't get science- but maybe you catch my drift.
It turns out that Mickey Rooney has kidnapped some woman to partake in his macabre games of madness! She sits in a wheelchair and yells "Mr Laaaaannnnnng! Mr Laaannnnnnnng!" over and over and over and overandoverandoverANDOVERANDOVER and so Mickey Rooney...err, Mr Laaaaannnnnng feeds her some applesauce to get her to shut up.
At this point, I'm 13 minutes into the movie and I want to set myself on fire. I knew I wasn't going to make it through The Manipulator...maybe my immune system isn't what it used to be, or maybe I'm starting to feel my mortality and, you know, 90 minutes is a decent chunk out of the finite time I've got left on this planet. The point is, I decided to give the movie until the 30-minute mark and if I was still feeling like self-immolation was a better option than watching it, I'd turn that shit off.
Then, at the 22-minute mark, this happened:
...yup, Mickey Rooney in a face full of makeup, looking like the stunt double for that broad on The Drew Carey Show (I love the word "broad", as if you can't tell by the way I've been running it into the ground lately, especially in this post). I thought I might be able to salvage something good from The Manipulator yet.
Alas, alack, it was not to be. When Mickey Rooney in makeup can't save the movie, you know the movie is bad...and trust me, "bad" doesn't begin to describe this excruciating pile of dook. I know the director really thought he was giving the audience a window into insane madness, but between the rambling monologues, weird "dream visions", fucking sped-up sequences featuring some sort of harpsichord bullshit, the real insane madness here was mine and mine alone.
Because I possess both rage and honor, not unlike my heroette Cynthia Rothrock, I was true to my word (that's the honor part) and kept The Manipulator in until the timer hit 0:30, when Rooney was parading around in some Cyrano De Bergerac getup. Then I hit stop and pulled the DVD out of the player in such a fury (that's the rage part) that it literally* caught on fire, ensuring that I can't possibly watch any of this dreadful movie ever again.
*the DVD did not catch fire at all
you know what?
It's Friday. Man! Let's have fun!
I watch this, like, ten times a day.
Idunkarrr ifu havean aero-plane-uh!
I watch this, like, ten times a day.
Idunkarrr ifu havean aero-plane-uh!
Mar 26, 2009
I Know What You Did That Night After the Party
Though the release date lies in October, the trailer for Sorority Row is up now. Behold!
The original film, House on Sorority Row (1983), is certainly a forebear of I Know What You Did Last Summer and films of that ilk. You know the kind, where someone ends up dead and a group of teens vows to take the secret to their graves but then someone starts killing the teens and what if the person they buried wasn't really dead and aaaaaaahhh! That kind. Judging from the trailer, Sorority Row is going to fall closer in line to I Know and (SIGH) the fucking abysmal April Fool's Day remake than the film on which it's actually based, which put a nice little spin on the formula. But who knows? It's just a trailer. All I can say for sure is that it seems the broad with the upside-down eyes from The Hills gets killed early (good) and for now, the movie has an R rating (also good). No matter what, Sorority Row boasts Carrie effing Fisher and I'm not gonna lie- I'll go see it just for her.
Sorority Row...excited? Apathetic? Gassy?
The original film, House on Sorority Row (1983), is certainly a forebear of I Know What You Did Last Summer and films of that ilk. You know the kind, where someone ends up dead and a group of teens vows to take the secret to their graves but then someone starts killing the teens and what if the person they buried wasn't really dead and aaaaaaahhh! That kind. Judging from the trailer, Sorority Row is going to fall closer in line to I Know and (SIGH) the fucking abysmal April Fool's Day remake than the film on which it's actually based, which put a nice little spin on the formula. But who knows? It's just a trailer. All I can say for sure is that it seems the broad with the upside-down eyes from The Hills gets killed early (good) and for now, the movie has an R rating (also good). No matter what, Sorority Row boasts Carrie effing Fisher and I'm not gonna lie- I'll go see it just for her.
Sorority Row...excited? Apathetic? Gassy?
Mar 25, 2009
Lena Headey is my number one Top Friend
As you may or may not remember, the season finale of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb, "Top Friends", featured a Person You May Have Heard Of, one Lena Headey of 300 and Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. After the episode aired, I really dug reading speculation on a couple of websites regarding how I possibly could have gotten her on my show. Blackmail? Did someone owe me a favor? Was it a mafia thing?
Alright, so I fueled that last rumor myself. But still, people wondered about it...but the answer is quite simple: I got her in Ghostella the way I've gotten everyone who's been in Ghostella in Ghostella. We're friends, and I thought it would be fun so I asked. Mystery solved- rest easy, internet! See, a mutual friend introduced us at San Diego Comic-Con and that was that.
LH: Quite sober, I think. We laughed, I remember, Ponder, and I was feeling very fond of you immediately.
SP: You made fun of my drink.
She did, and since I spent the night drinking whatever candy apple red thing it was they were giving away free, I probably deserved it.
We watch horror movies, we play video games, we both like Dallas, she gives me Toblerone, and neither of us can resist a photo booth. It's like having anyone else for a friend, except my mom gets excited because she'll go to Best Buy and, like, see Terminator: TSCC on the shelf.
Believe it or not, there's a point to all this, I swear! That point is, Lena stars in The Broken, one of After Dark's 8 Films to Die For, hitting a store shelf NEAR YOU on Tuesday, March 31. For my AMC column this week, I attempted to sit down with her for an interview. Upon transcription, however, I realized that what I'd recorded was an hour of...of...well, not quite madness, I suppose, but certainly nonsense. I cobbled together what I could and you can read it now at AMC.
But...AMC has, like, rules and stuff about length and format, you know? And there's an editor. All those ellipsis? That's where they made with the chop chop...which is fine, that's their bag. However, I think people (myself included) like to read interviews that aren't so TV Guide, Q & A boring. Cutting out quirky speech patterns or whatever makes everyone sound the same, and it's strictly dullsville. Take the last question, for example, where I ask her about being paprazzied; I think her full answer gives her a little more, you know, personality, and I think it makes the whole affair more interesting for someone who might want to learn more about the actor.
LH: I think I’ve been paparazzied twice in my life since I’ve been out here and it was sort of…horrendous, do you know what I mean? I don’t go anywhere. You know me. I’m such a big spaz, I’m happy to sit here with my dogs and hang out with people I like. All that doesn’t appeal to me. I do think it is a conscious effort of keeping your head down so you can remain anonymous. It’s very funny, I feel like I have this thing where they’re like, “She’s Sarah Connor!” Nobody knows what else I do or what else I’ve done. It’s funny to me, and it couldn’t be farther from me. But I do love shooting stuff!
Or maybe the question where I ask about The Sophisticates, the short film that marked Lena's writing/directing debut, the film she hopes to expand into a feature:
LH: As you know, directing is a long road and I’ve got many ideas and the movie that I’ve written, The Sophisticates, which is a comedy. Yeah, all these other things are exciting, but you know, I’ve never directed before so I need to make sure that people know that I can do it. In terms of that, The Sophisticates is a small ensemble comedy and I hope it’s charming and funny. I think female directors, first timers, always seem to set out and do a drama, a two-person drama. I think, oh fuck it, I wanna make a goofy movie. And I think making people laugh is really fucking difficult. Part of the reason for me writing The Sophisticates was sort of that Wizard of Oz element. I want people to go in and have a treat, be uplifted and charmed, and have a colorful thing to stare at for a minute. And not to please this sort of short memory we’ve got. But you know, I get into trouble for that, for saying no to things.
But anyway, I'm not going to go back and forth, comparing and contrasting. Rather, I'm going to post here what didn't make the cut...the ridiculous nonsense. Why? I don't know. It's like DVD special features or something.
SP: So if life was like The Broken, what would you do if you were out on the street and you saw someone drive by and it was, like, kind of…you? What would you do?
LH: I would just punch her in the face.
SP: “There’s only room for one Headey in this town!”
LH: “Stop trying to be so pretty!” Actually, I’d probably just ask her where she got her hair done. But if she had a better car than me I’d fucking steal that. If it was a Volvo PS 1800 I would kill the person that looked like me and I’d take it.
SP: I don’t even know what that is.
LH: It’s the coolest car ever made. Just that.
SP: I’m sorry, I thought The Love Bug was the coolest car ever made.
LH: No, not Bernie. What’s his name?
SP: Herbie.
LH: Ernie. Barbara!
SP: It should’ve been Barbara!
LH: Yes! “Love Bug 2: Barbara’s Revenge”. She kills Herbie. She makes Herbie go bananas, is what she does.
SP: Well played. Let’s get Hollywood on the phone. Lindsay can star in it again…
LH: Johnny Depp can play the car…
SP: You’re very much…umm…
LH: Kind.
SP: Very kind. You have a certain grace about you.
LH: Like a kindly swan.
SP: What’s your historical disease of choice: consumption, the plague, or the vapors?
LH: That…but do you die from the vapors?
SP: No, just…people fan you and then you’re fine.
LH: Well, it’s not really a disease, is it? Just attention seeking. A narcissistic disease.
SP: Mental illness and corsets…
LH: I’ve done a few movies in a corset, and let me tell you: no. You can’t eat a Fatburger, you can’t have a pint of beer.
SP: Let’s talk about The Cave!
LH: Alright, let’s do it, Ponder. Is that your favorite film of mine? Or of all time?
SP: It is. I’m not gonna lie.
LH: It’s got amazing power.
SP: Yeah, it really spoke to me.
LH: It changes lives. It does.
SP: They play it in children’s sick wards…
LH: When people do charity walks, they play it at the beginning to get everyone pumped up. I think they play it on Romania’s travel website…
SP: The impression I have of you…you know, you go on your first press junket and you listen to all the actors and you think, “Wow, this is so interesting!” Then you go on your second press junket and you realize that they’re all saying the exact same things that everyone on the first junket said. It’s all these standard answers, and it’s so boring. But knowing you beyond a press junket, it does honestly seem to be about the work with you. You’re always talking about ideas, we’re always talking about ideas, you’re up for anything, you know what I mean? So it’s cool to know that you’re out there.
LH: It’s a strange thing about acting- people almost think it’s some bestowed sort of honor, but it’s like, you’re fucking human. The fact is, it’s happened for us and there are many more talented people out there who haven’t gotten the work. But yeah, I don’t ever want to stop being curious about it, because when I do it’ll be over for me and I’ll go make cakes or something. Really shit cakes. But I love it. I love actors, I think there’s obviously and element of narcissism involved with being an actor, but I think there’s a bravery to it. The cinema for me is such a therapy. Even a silly movie- the lights go down and for that hour and a half you’re kind of lost. I love that. And to give people that experience- movies that move you, or make you laugh, or scare you, it’s just such a joy. And to come out of a movie, having really had an experience, that’s part of what makes me really want to direct. Working with actors, it’s a privilege to direct. Some directors don’t feel that- it’s just an excuse to yell and seek revenge for a playground experience.
We talked a bit about the internet and how there's up-to-the-minute, behind-the-scenes this and sneak peek that, how there's no waiting for a movie anymore, no real anticipation...you know, just general old people vs the internet bitchery.
LH: I have such a hard time on the TV show because they want me to do publicity for every single thing, speak to everybody, and I can’t- for me, it takes away everything that acting’s about. Why can’t we have mystery anymore? Why can’t people go and watch it and decide for themselves? But actors aren’t the advertisers, and I don’t think we should have to go and do all that. If I can sit like this and talk about everything, you know, that makes sense to me. But the sort of generic repetition…
SP: Well, you’re supposed to want the attention.
LH: Maybe that’s it. I have no interest in that.
SP: Alright, I think we're done.
LH: Are we? Did you get enough? We didn’t talk about anything, did we?
SP: It’s fine. I can weave some magic.
LH: You can. I don’t care what you say.
SP: Don’t worry, I won’t make you look any worse than you actually are.
Then we had pizza and watched Session 9. Holla!
Alright, so I fueled that last rumor myself. But still, people wondered about it...but the answer is quite simple: I got her in Ghostella the way I've gotten everyone who's been in Ghostella in Ghostella. We're friends, and I thought it would be fun so I asked. Mystery solved- rest easy, internet! See, a mutual friend introduced us at San Diego Comic-Con and that was that.
LH: Quite sober, I think. We laughed, I remember, Ponder, and I was feeling very fond of you immediately.
SP: You made fun of my drink.
She did, and since I spent the night drinking whatever candy apple red thing it was they were giving away free, I probably deserved it.
We watch horror movies, we play video games, we both like Dallas, she gives me Toblerone, and neither of us can resist a photo booth. It's like having anyone else for a friend, except my mom gets excited because she'll go to Best Buy and, like, see Terminator: TSCC on the shelf.
Believe it or not, there's a point to all this, I swear! That point is, Lena stars in The Broken, one of After Dark's 8 Films to Die For, hitting a store shelf NEAR YOU on Tuesday, March 31. For my AMC column this week, I attempted to sit down with her for an interview. Upon transcription, however, I realized that what I'd recorded was an hour of...of...well, not quite madness, I suppose, but certainly nonsense. I cobbled together what I could and you can read it now at AMC.
But...AMC has, like, rules and stuff about length and format, you know? And there's an editor. All those ellipsis? That's where they made with the chop chop...which is fine, that's their bag. However, I think people (myself included) like to read interviews that aren't so TV Guide, Q & A boring. Cutting out quirky speech patterns or whatever makes everyone sound the same, and it's strictly dullsville. Take the last question, for example, where I ask her about being paprazzied; I think her full answer gives her a little more, you know, personality, and I think it makes the whole affair more interesting for someone who might want to learn more about the actor.
LH: I think I’ve been paparazzied twice in my life since I’ve been out here and it was sort of…horrendous, do you know what I mean? I don’t go anywhere. You know me. I’m such a big spaz, I’m happy to sit here with my dogs and hang out with people I like. All that doesn’t appeal to me. I do think it is a conscious effort of keeping your head down so you can remain anonymous. It’s very funny, I feel like I have this thing where they’re like, “She’s Sarah Connor!” Nobody knows what else I do or what else I’ve done. It’s funny to me, and it couldn’t be farther from me. But I do love shooting stuff!
Or maybe the question where I ask about The Sophisticates, the short film that marked Lena's writing/directing debut, the film she hopes to expand into a feature:
LH: As you know, directing is a long road and I’ve got many ideas and the movie that I’ve written, The Sophisticates, which is a comedy. Yeah, all these other things are exciting, but you know, I’ve never directed before so I need to make sure that people know that I can do it. In terms of that, The Sophisticates is a small ensemble comedy and I hope it’s charming and funny. I think female directors, first timers, always seem to set out and do a drama, a two-person drama. I think, oh fuck it, I wanna make a goofy movie. And I think making people laugh is really fucking difficult. Part of the reason for me writing The Sophisticates was sort of that Wizard of Oz element. I want people to go in and have a treat, be uplifted and charmed, and have a colorful thing to stare at for a minute. And not to please this sort of short memory we’ve got. But you know, I get into trouble for that, for saying no to things.
But anyway, I'm not going to go back and forth, comparing and contrasting. Rather, I'm going to post here what didn't make the cut...the ridiculous nonsense. Why? I don't know. It's like DVD special features or something.
SP: So if life was like The Broken, what would you do if you were out on the street and you saw someone drive by and it was, like, kind of…you? What would you do?
LH: I would just punch her in the face.
SP: “There’s only room for one Headey in this town!”
LH: “Stop trying to be so pretty!” Actually, I’d probably just ask her where she got her hair done. But if she had a better car than me I’d fucking steal that. If it was a Volvo PS 1800 I would kill the person that looked like me and I’d take it.
SP: I don’t even know what that is.
LH: It’s the coolest car ever made. Just that.
SP: I’m sorry, I thought The Love Bug was the coolest car ever made.
LH: No, not Bernie. What’s his name?
SP: Herbie.
LH: Ernie. Barbara!
SP: It should’ve been Barbara!
LH: Yes! “Love Bug 2: Barbara’s Revenge”. She kills Herbie. She makes Herbie go bananas, is what she does.
SP: Well played. Let’s get Hollywood on the phone. Lindsay can star in it again…
LH: Johnny Depp can play the car…
SP: You’re very much…umm…
LH: Kind.
SP: Very kind. You have a certain grace about you.
LH: Like a kindly swan.
SP: What’s your historical disease of choice: consumption, the plague, or the vapors?
LH: That…but do you die from the vapors?
SP: No, just…people fan you and then you’re fine.
LH: Well, it’s not really a disease, is it? Just attention seeking. A narcissistic disease.
SP: Mental illness and corsets…
LH: I’ve done a few movies in a corset, and let me tell you: no. You can’t eat a Fatburger, you can’t have a pint of beer.
SP: Let’s talk about The Cave!
LH: Alright, let’s do it, Ponder. Is that your favorite film of mine? Or of all time?
SP: It is. I’m not gonna lie.
LH: It’s got amazing power.
SP: Yeah, it really spoke to me.
LH: It changes lives. It does.
SP: They play it in children’s sick wards…
LH: When people do charity walks, they play it at the beginning to get everyone pumped up. I think they play it on Romania’s travel website…
SP: The impression I have of you…you know, you go on your first press junket and you listen to all the actors and you think, “Wow, this is so interesting!” Then you go on your second press junket and you realize that they’re all saying the exact same things that everyone on the first junket said. It’s all these standard answers, and it’s so boring. But knowing you beyond a press junket, it does honestly seem to be about the work with you. You’re always talking about ideas, we’re always talking about ideas, you’re up for anything, you know what I mean? So it’s cool to know that you’re out there.
LH: It’s a strange thing about acting- people almost think it’s some bestowed sort of honor, but it’s like, you’re fucking human. The fact is, it’s happened for us and there are many more talented people out there who haven’t gotten the work. But yeah, I don’t ever want to stop being curious about it, because when I do it’ll be over for me and I’ll go make cakes or something. Really shit cakes. But I love it. I love actors, I think there’s obviously and element of narcissism involved with being an actor, but I think there’s a bravery to it. The cinema for me is such a therapy. Even a silly movie- the lights go down and for that hour and a half you’re kind of lost. I love that. And to give people that experience- movies that move you, or make you laugh, or scare you, it’s just such a joy. And to come out of a movie, having really had an experience, that’s part of what makes me really want to direct. Working with actors, it’s a privilege to direct. Some directors don’t feel that- it’s just an excuse to yell and seek revenge for a playground experience.
We talked a bit about the internet and how there's up-to-the-minute, behind-the-scenes this and sneak peek that, how there's no waiting for a movie anymore, no real anticipation...you know, just general old people vs the internet bitchery.
LH: I have such a hard time on the TV show because they want me to do publicity for every single thing, speak to everybody, and I can’t- for me, it takes away everything that acting’s about. Why can’t we have mystery anymore? Why can’t people go and watch it and decide for themselves? But actors aren’t the advertisers, and I don’t think we should have to go and do all that. If I can sit like this and talk about everything, you know, that makes sense to me. But the sort of generic repetition…
SP: Well, you’re supposed to want the attention.
LH: Maybe that’s it. I have no interest in that.
SP: Alright, I think we're done.
LH: Are we? Did you get enough? We didn’t talk about anything, did we?
SP: It’s fine. I can weave some magic.
LH: You can. I don’t care what you say.
SP: Don’t worry, I won’t make you look any worse than you actually are.
Then we had pizza and watched Session 9. Holla!
TODAY'S VOCAB:
dallas,
interviews,
pesky reporters,
SDCC
Mar 23, 2009
Eden Lake Shmeden Lake
Believe you me, sisters and brothers, I realize that I'm a bit of an outsider. My fondness for wearing my pants backwards, my penchant not to "bathe" regularly, and my unceasing devotion to Jumpin' Jack Flash leave me squarely outside what uppity jerks might refer to as "polite" "society". Truth be told, I just don't care- I'm what the experts call "a true American Original", akin to Tupperware or Jingle Jugs. Like Wolverine or Andy Rooney, I do what I please when I please, consequences be damned. Still, when I find myself a million light years out of step with what seems to be the entire horror community, it throws me for a loop. Y'alls is sa-POSED to be mah peeps!
The movie in question that's got me feeling like an outsider- and not even an Outsider who stays gold- is Eden Lake. Word of mouth about this film was great. It seemed like the whole world was touching themselves over it and I really couldn't wait to get my hands on it. Then I did, and...I don't know man. I really didn't dig it, and that really bums me out.
Kelly Reilly and Michael Fassbender star as Jenny and Steve, a white-bread couple who decide to take a weekend holiday at a flooded quarry-cum-lake. Shortly after they arrive, they run afoul of a group of punk-ass jerk kids. The punk-ass jerk kids continue to act punk-ass and jerky, while Steve decides he's "not going to take it". Events rapidly escalate: a dog ends up dead, Steve ends up dead, and Jenny ends up running for her life from the chav ringleader Brett (Jack O'Connell) and his homicidal bully pals.
It's all fairly standard survival horror stuff and that's all well and good, but I never found myself connecting with this film or the characters in any meaningful way. In short, I've seen other films addressing the kids are homicidal douchebags notion (eg Wilderness) that I found far more compelling than Eden Lake. I think the issue of class was meant to play a larger role here than it actually did- the kids are all the product of a violent, rough, working-class upbringing, while Jenny and Steve come rolling into the region in their Land Rover. A sign posted at Eden Lake, promising of the gated community to be built there soon, is graffitied with "fuck off yuppy cunts". Someone should tell the painter that the message would be more effective if it were written on the front of the sign, where people can see it. Perhaps having it on the back adds suspense in the sense that the audience knows what the characters don't, but it may have been more interesting if the characters willfully wandered into what's essentially hostile territory. Eh, coulda shoulda woulda.
Frankly, Jenny and Steve were so willfully stupid that I found myself simply not caring what tragedy befell them. Not that they deserved to be set upon by these psychos, but they did little to prevent it, either. From the implausible (in a pointless, drawn-out sequence, Steve breaks into the home of one of the teens and is almost caught) to the downright infuriating (Steve, pinned in place after a car crash, sends Kelly for help...Kelly promptly squats behind a tree and takes a nap) to the point where I check out (Kelly watches Steve as he's tortured, practically begging to be discovered), I rather hated them.
And I know it's a petty, personal thing, but women who sort of emulate children in their manner and their dress really set my teeth on edge. Perhaps Jenny's "innocent" bit is meant to contrast with the lengths she's driven to throughout this ordeal, I don't know. Still, the only grown woman acting like a child I want to watch is a man, and that man is Alan Rowe Kelly. If you haven't seen his turn as Beefteena in The Blood Shed, you're missing out on some real fucking magic, my friends.
The point is to talk about Eden Lake, though, right? As I said, I'm completely 100% in the minority, but I found it to be little more- or maybe even little less- than a by-the-numbers survival horror flick that didn't move me, horrify me, scare me, or thrill me in any way. Then again, I wear my pants backwards, so what do I know?
TODAY'S VOCAB:
beautiful hams,
reviews
Mar 20, 2009
the Rondos are nigh!
Dear Friends,
It's the last day to send in your votes for the 7th Annual Rondo Hatton Classic Horror Awards. Final Girl is nominated in the "Best Horror Blog" category. If you would like to vote for Final Girl, please do so today.
Thank you for your consideration.
hugz-n-stuff,
FG
How's THAT for polite sincerity?
Listen, while I'm not...you know...making any threats "per se", I just thought I'd remind you that Angela knows how you're voting and...you know...Angela does what Angela does.
It's the last day to send in your votes for the 7th Annual Rondo Hatton Classic Horror Awards. Final Girl is nominated in the "Best Horror Blog" category. If you would like to vote for Final Girl, please do so today.
Thank you for your consideration.
hugz-n-stuff,
FG
How's THAT for polite sincerity?
Listen, while I'm not...you know...making any threats "per se", I just thought I'd remind you that Angela knows how you're voting and...you know...Angela does what Angela does.
Mar 19, 2009
scenes i love - the evil dead
You know, if Cheryl hadn't worn that low-cut top and mini-skirt into the woods practically daring the trees to rape her, then none of this would have happened in the first place!
Though as I've grown into exquisite womanhood I've come to appreciate the humor in this film (yes, I'm generally slow on the uptake), but I'm not gonna lie- I'm still a wee bit scared of The Evil Dead. It's those damn eyes!
Read my original mini-review of The Evil Dead...if you dare!
TODAY'S VOCAB:
scenes i love
Mar 18, 2009
checking in
Hello dudes, dudettes, and "others". I know I've been remiss lately, but I swear life without you has been completely miserable. To bribe you into liking me prove to you that I truly care, I'm going to bust out another Super Fango Sweepstakes Ticket Giveaway Extravatinydancah just for you! Two wicked lucky winners will each receive 2 one-day passes to Fangoria's Los Angeles convention, which runs April 17-19. I know I say this every time, but this time I mean it: the guest list is all ten kinds of kick ass: Sam Raimi! Adrienne King! Marilyn Burns! Tobe Hooper! Clive Barker! Ruggero Deodato!
I'll be wandering the floor sporting a dazed, blank look with just a hint of drool on my chin. Should be fun. To enter, send an email to stacieponder (at) gmail.com with FANGO in the subject line. Entries will be accepted until 9pm PST on Sunday, April 5. This will be a random drawing giveaway, so please don't plead with me for tickets because then I feel guilty when I don't draw your name.
Now then, onto something else. Did you know that I have a column at AMC's website? I know, I've never mentioned it before. Weird, right? Especially since I've been writing it for about a year now. Anyway, there's one up today that's about some of the more memorable second bananas in slasher flicks...some of them I love, some of them I love to hate. Go over, read it (if you don't, AMC said they'll punch a kitten), add your picks, and vote in the nifty poll that's tacked on at the end. Everybody loves voting!
I'll be wandering the floor sporting a dazed, blank look with just a hint of drool on my chin. Should be fun. To enter, send an email to stacieponder (at) gmail.com with FANGO in the subject line. Entries will be accepted until 9pm PST on Sunday, April 5. This will be a random drawing giveaway, so please don't plead with me for tickets because then I feel guilty when I don't draw your name.
Now then, onto something else. Did you know that I have a column at AMC's website? I know, I've never mentioned it before. Weird, right? Especially since I've been writing it for about a year now. Anyway, there's one up today that's about some of the more memorable second bananas in slasher flicks...some of them I love, some of them I love to hate. Go over, read it (if you don't, AMC said they'll punch a kitten), add your picks, and vote in the nifty poll that's tacked on at the end. Everybody loves voting!
Mar 13, 2009
i am just saying.
Have a super weekend. I'm still hard at work on stuff that is not Final Girl (sadness), but I plan to (hopefully) pop on out...or come on down...or...something on something something to the Paranoia Film Fest this weekend. You should, too. It'll give you a chance to see Heidi Martinuzzi's short film Wretched on the big screen. Yes, Heidi Martinuzzi of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb...err, "fame".
Meanwhile...
Meanwhile...
Mar 10, 2009
early bird
AMC ran my column early this week because it's a wee interview with Aaron Paul, the dude who stars on the AMC series Breaking Bad who's not the dad from Malcolm in the Middle. He also stars in the remake of The Last House on the Left, which opens this week. Now your Tuesday is like your Wednesday, which I know is going to throw you off-track. For this I apologize, but remember- what doesn't kill you generally makes you want to kill someone else.
In related news: who's going to see Last House?
In other related news, posting is going to be light this week because...well, because I'm busy. Maybe even biz-zay. But what's taking me away from movie watching and the such is actually stuff that I can share with you down the road, so it'll all work out in the end. You know that I do everything for you...but I won't do that! Or something.
In other other related news, I'm glad to see that the results of my Wendy Torrance poll are currently in her favor. It's good to see her get some love!
In other other other related news, Toosday Toons is up. Dare you step inside...The Last House on the Right?
In other other other other related news, here's a scene from Bug. I know you gaze lovingly at that little photo in my sidebar where the woman's hair is on fire...now you can watch the movie magic happen right before your very eyes!
If there's one day I don't want my hair to catch on fire, it's my birthday. Yes, that's the set from The Brady Bunch. I'd also like to point out that she decides to make "chicken mousse", which contains "jellied chicken". I'm sure there's something out there that's more repulsive than jellied chicken and chicken mousse, but whatever it is I'd rather not know about it. Let's distract ourselves from such grossness by re-reading my review of Bug. Sweet relief!
In related news: who's going to see Last House?
In other related news, posting is going to be light this week because...well, because I'm busy. Maybe even biz-zay. But what's taking me away from movie watching and the such is actually stuff that I can share with you down the road, so it'll all work out in the end. You know that I do everything for you...but I won't do that! Or something.
In other other related news, I'm glad to see that the results of my Wendy Torrance poll are currently in her favor. It's good to see her get some love!
In other other other related news, Toosday Toons is up. Dare you step inside...The Last House on the Right?
In other other other other related news, here's a scene from Bug. I know you gaze lovingly at that little photo in my sidebar where the woman's hair is on fire...now you can watch the movie magic happen right before your very eyes!
If there's one day I don't want my hair to catch on fire, it's my birthday. Yes, that's the set from The Brady Bunch. I'd also like to point out that she decides to make "chicken mousse", which contains "jellied chicken". I'm sure there's something out there that's more repulsive than jellied chicken and chicken mousse, but whatever it is I'd rather not know about it. Let's distract ourselves from such grossness by re-reading my review of Bug. Sweet relief!
Mar 6, 2009
awesome movie poster friday- the FAMOUS MONSTERS edition!
Yes, yes, I'm aware that these are not movie posters, they're magazine covers. However, in light of this Sunday's huge tribute to Forrest J Ackerman here in Los Angeles, I thought I'd pay a little tribute to Uncle Forry right here as well. Here are but a few of the hundreds and hundreds of kick ass covers on Famous Monsters of Filmland magazine. This first one is the only issue I still own. Where did they all go?
Mar 5, 2009
scenes i love - silent hill
Mar 4, 2009
the sads
My AMC column this week is all about characters in horror movies that I actually care for- those who, when they die, make me bust out a little "Aww". It's sort of a modified version of what the Mighty Arbogast started with his "The one you might have saved" blog-a-thon-ish-meme thing. I wouldn't necessarily save these characters- not like good ol' Barbra- but their deaths give me the sads. Check out my little list at AMC, which includes the likes of Eleanor Lance from The Haunting.
Actually, that photo should look like this:
I mean, I like Eleanor, but Theo's where it's at, baby!
Anyway, here are a few more characters I would have added to my list but didn't for various reasons:
- Helen Lyle (Virginia Madsen), Candyman
- Alice (Adrienne King), Friday the 13th Part 2
- Brenda (Laurie Bartram), Friday the 13th
- Bubba (Larry Drake), Dark Night of the Scarecrow
- Harry & Becky (Ted Danson & Gaylen Ross), Creepshow
- Ruth Mayer (Susan Hogan), The Brood
- Madame Mabel (Particia Hamilton), My Bloody Valentine
- Beth (Alex Reid), The Descent
- Barb (Margot Kidder), Black Christmas
- Fran (Heidi Martinuzzi), Ex
And you?
Actually, that photo should look like this:
I mean, I like Eleanor, but Theo's where it's at, baby!
Anyway, here are a few more characters I would have added to my list but didn't for various reasons:
- Helen Lyle (Virginia Madsen), Candyman
- Alice (Adrienne King), Friday the 13th Part 2
- Brenda (Laurie Bartram), Friday the 13th
- Bubba (Larry Drake), Dark Night of the Scarecrow
- Harry & Becky (Ted Danson & Gaylen Ross), Creepshow
- Ruth Mayer (Susan Hogan), The Brood
- Madame Mabel (Particia Hamilton), My Bloody Valentine
- Beth (Alex Reid), The Descent
- Barb (Margot Kidder), Black Christmas
- Fran (Heidi Martinuzzi), Ex
And you?
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