Day 4: WES CRAVEN'S NEW NIGHTMARE (1994)

Ah, 1994. The best of times in fashion for sure, as it was the times of vests, plum-colored lipstick, and McDonald's golden arches-looking hair on guys. As for horror movies, however, it was the worst of times. 1994 brought us tepid sequels of tepid original films (okay, sure, I love Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings) and some of those weirdly neutered "Hollywood" horror movies, you know, like Kenneth Branagh's Frankenstein. Who was that supposed to appeal to? And then, out of nowhere, comes Wes Craven's New Nightmare, a so-meta-it-will-blow-your-mind entry in the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. Well, it's not an entry in the franchise exactly; it sort of sits outside the franchise and points at it and comments on it, like a Statler and Waldorf unto itself.

It turns out, you see, that the 1991 film Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare wasn't final at all ("I know that feeling!" - Friday the 13th Part IV); instead, "killing" Freddy in the movie merely severed the ties that bound his evil force to fictional worlds. Free from the constraints of the screen, Freddy manifests in the real world and terrorizes those who helped bring him to life in the first place: actors Heather Langenkamp, Robert Englund, and writer/director Wes Craven. The original film gradually converges with reality, and much as Nancy Thompson battled the child killer in her dreams a decade earlier in A Nightmare on Elm Street, so must Langenkamp face off against him again.

Yes, it's as goddamned clever as it sounds. New Nightmare is many things: a commentary on actors forever linked with a role, the effects of horror on audiences and children (won't someone think of the children?), the effects of horror on the people who create it, the propensity of audiences to idolize the killers, and more. While it is, by its nature, as self-referential as a film can possibly be, it doesn't play like a deconstruction or rulebook along the lines of Scream, another Wes Craven work that revitalized the slasher genre two years after New Nightmare.

The numerous callbacks to A Nightmare on Elm Street are entirely welcome and well done, not the elbow-to-the-ribs get it? wink wink references they could have been. They're not there exclusively so audiences will say "Hey, I remember that!", à la virtually every joke on your average episode of Family Guy. They can be read as loving nods, sure, or–if you're feeling less generous–examples of filmmakers being burdened by their past work, unable to move on. Of course, while Langenkamp comments in the film that Craven has moved on from horror, he opines that they never should have killed Freddy. (And again, Scream was right around the corner. Craven clearly loved the genre even if his scholarly past likely had him questioning it from time to time.)

Proving as fearless as Nancy Thompson, Heather Langenkamp also descends into Freddy's world of nightmares to get shit done and take him out. My heart grew three sizes when she let out a vicious "Fuck you!" and hauled off and clocked the burnt-faced pussy. As we all know, however, even the best of the Final Girls can't keep a horror icon down for long. And as the late, great, Mr. Craven noted, maybe we shouldn't. After all...evil never dies.

see what I mean

SHOCKtober: The Week to Come

Listen y'all, I ain't got the whole month of watchings all planned out, but I did put my brain on overdrive to come up with the next week's viewings if you can't handle living life by the speed of your pants. Without any more ado, here are the movies and the days I'll be talkin' 'bout said movies, Willis:

Monday, 10/5 - ASMODEXIA (2014)
Tuesday, 10/6 - OMEN III: THE FINAL CONFLICT (1981) (fuck yeah, 1981)
Wednesday 10/7 - MANIAC (2012)
Thursday 10/8 - ALL CHEERLEADERS DIE (2013)
Friday 10/9 - A GIRL WALKS HOME ALONE AT NIGHT (2014)
Saturday 10/10 - DARKNESS (2002)
Sunday 10/11 - DEVIL SEED (2012)

S'gonna be a good week! Although this month's experiment is a good way for me to catch up on newer movies, I do wish Netflix had some older titles I've yet to see. All the ones that were on my list mysteriously vanished at the beginning of the month. Hmm, maybe they were dead the whole time!

Day 3: BABY BLUES (2013)

An example of the superior baby acting found in this movie

Although James Wan floods the market and tries his best to turn me off of killer doll movies, my love for them is too strong and my will is too weak; in short, I am a sucker for them. So when I fired up Baby Blues last night and realized that the film hails from China...well, I was psyched. Asian horror and a killer doll? Those are two of my favorite tastes and surely they must taste great together. Surely they must. Surely. I was sure.

And man, was I wrong! Baby Blues suffers greatly from an identity crisis of sorts: it dabbles in several subgenres but doesn't commit to any in a truly impactful way. The result is a mish-mosh story that goes everywhere and nowhere. And also it's just plain, you know, not very good.

Young marrieds Hao and Tian Qing move into a beautiful house despite the fact that the homeless man across the street warns them away. The house is evil! And so is the weird doll left behind by the previous tenants! Probably! The couple is undeterred, however, and for a while things are great. Tian Qing continues writing her successful blog, while record producer Hao gets the opportunity to write a new song for a popular singer named Bobo. (According to a poster in the record label headquarters, one of Bobo's previous hits was called "Kiss My Leg", and that song title is my new everything. Perhaps it was the lost theme from Witchery...?)

Soon Tian Qing is pregnant with twins, hooray! Everything is still great. Sadly, one of the twins is stillborn, but this doesn't register with the new mother, who breaks from reality and treats the creepy doll like her second newborn son. But the doll is evil! Kind of.

It all sounds simple enough, sure, but Baby Blues is all over the fucking place. It plays with the "killer song" idea as Bobo nearly dies after listening to Hao's tune (as did I–it was smooth jazz! *shudder*), but the idea is dropped. The time-tested "new mom flips out" genre is represented but not given enough room to really breathe. The house itself isn't evil at all. And the doll...is sort of possessed? Maybe? We learn a bit about its origin, but its motivations aren't clear–and yes, I realize that saying a killer doll's motivations aren't clear enough seems ridiculous, but this is the world I live in as a horror fan.

Baby Blues just doesn't know what it wants to be. I could forgive that, however, if it wasn't so bad. At times it straddles the line between "serious attempt" and "deliberate camp", and I found myself unable to decide if it was trying to be some kind of comedy. How else to explain the egregious use of terrible, over-the-top computer effects? (Gawd, so much computer.) Or the egregious use of a wig–one that always seemed on the verge of falling off–on Tian Qing for the second half of the film? What of the living twin baby, who was dropped from a second story window, held on mom's lap in the front seat of a car, and, at one point, tossed into the air like something out of a Zucker-Abrahams-Zucker production? Or the scene where the tiny doll tries to nudge the baby into the pool using his little doll feet? WHAT ARE YOU, BABY BLUES?

Ultimately, I doubt that the filmmakers had enough self-awareness for this to be anything but a genuine attempt at horror and as such it's an abject failure. Ugh, that is so painful to say! It hurts me in my heart place to say such terrible things about a movie that heavily features a bad wig and a killer doll. It's like I don't know what to believe anymore.

Tomorrow's movie: Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994) - let's class this joint up a little and mourn the recent loss of a horror legend.

SHOCKtober bonus track: Halloween candy ranked

It has been some time since I have gone trick or treating, but man, I still should because it's just such a great idea: put on a mask and demand candy from your neighbors! What's not to like about that? And while sure, free candy is the best candy and there's "no such thing as a bad gift," I think we can all agree that there is, in fact, a hierarchy of candy. As my gift to you, here is the INDISPUTABLE ranking from worst to best. Print it out and keep it in your pocket!

"Nature's Candy" aka FRUIT

Don't even try with this healthy shit. Apples are for any day besides October 31st! Even if they didn't fly in the face of everything that is good and proper with regards to the All Hallows spirit, are you crazy? You think I'm going to bite into this? Please, I've seen Halloween II.

CANDY BUTTONS

Is this a joke? Because I don't like jokes. This is the absolute worst candy. It looks like a mistake, like they were cleaning the nozzles on the machines that squirt out some superior candy, and some fat cat at Big Candy was like "Hey, that's still candy. Fuck it, let's sell it!" Seriously, the paper sticks to them because they're basically just garbage. Get this shit away from me and count yourself lucky if I don't come back to burn your house down after you try to put this shit in my plastic pumpkin. Anyone who buys or enjoys candy buttons is an asshole, THE END.

CIRCUS PEANUTS

Just call them by their real name, "SATAN'S TESTICLES." Don't go near these abominations.

DUM DUMS

What am I, Kojak? So gross, and then I have to deal with the stick when I'm done. I don't need my candy to be a hundred-step process, just let me cram it in my mouth and be done with it. (Yes, that is what she said.) The root beer ones are the only ones that are passable, and they will be the last thing left at the bottom of the plastic pumpkin. So you reach in, thinking YES I have some candy left, and you pull out a fucking Dum-Dum. The disappointment is crushing–it proves Halloween is well and truly over and you have, like, a bunch of days to wait for the next one.

MARY JANES

What in the depression era shoe leather-looking HELL are these things? These are some Dust Bowl treats for sure, and...wait, these are actually kind of good.

TIE: WHOPPERS AND REESES PIECES

Now we're talking. Thank you for giving me these instead of wasting my time!

CANDY CORNS

YES, "CORNS." Look, candy corns are actually kind of gross but they are also delicious and you have to have them at this time of year. They are like a horror fan's communion wafers! Still, though, if you try to give me the ones with the brown instead of the yellow I will throw them in you face so BEWARE.

MOUNDS

Besides the corns, this is the only candy that is needed. It has been scientifically proven! I can't find the link right now, but you should trust me, I read it.

Day 2: ATM (2012)

The first time I read about ATM I thought "By golly, that sounds dopey." In the ensuing months, no one was talking about how it was surprisingly really great. No one has ever recommended that I watch it. So why, then, after a stellar SHOCKtober Day One would I opt for something that would likely be garbage at best? Because, you guys, I have been dying to see this. DYING TO I SAY. To me, ATM is the equivalent of, like, a 70 pound baby. A 70 pound baby?! No way! Where? I want to get a look at it. Oh. Huh, yeah, that's...that's a 70 pound baby all right. Look at it just lying there.

And so: a movie where people are forced to remain in an ATM kiosk and not let it drop below 50mph or else they will die?! This conceit is kept up through the whole film? No way! Where? I want to get a look at it.

I just...had to see how this would be done. I wanted to know how many times help would be right there, but oh no the killer is right behind you! Behind you! WHAT I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Behind you! Oh no, the help is dead! (SPOILER: that happens 1.5 times.) I wanted to know how many of them would decide FUCK IT and run for help and not make it for some reason, death or otherwise. (SPOILER: that happens 2 times.) I wanted to know how many times the situation would make stress levels rise SO HIGH that the little group would be on the verge of tearing itself apart. (SPOILER: that happens 1 time.) I simply had to see this 70 pound baby.

The action doesn't begin at the ATM, but rather in the high-rise offices of a banking firm. Yes, our protagonists are investment bankers! This really excited me because I can't think of anything I'd rather do than watch a movie about attractive, young, straight, white investment bankers. Okay, there's one thing I'd rather do, and that one thing is pound nails into my eyes. But just my luck, I'm all out of nails. That's a good thing, though, because it turns out that the three investment bankers are actually incredibly interesting:

• one is the douchey one; if you couldn't tell this by his pomaded hair, then you'd be able to tell by the way he talks about women and the way he insults men by comparing them to women because women are the worst
• one is the nice one, who feels bad about the way his job makes him sometimes, like, totally fuck over the working class by wiping out their savings
• one is a girl

So there you go, a truly diverse group. Anyway, the douchey one's insistently douchey behavior leads the three to an ATM kiosk at one in the morning and once inside...a menacing man in a parka shows up in the parking lot and he...menaces them. He kills an innocent bystander walking his dog nearby–honestly, the good doggie acting is probably the highlight of ATM–and so the investment bankers are like, if he killed that guy, he'll kill us, too! And thus they are forced to remain inside the little glass cube as the temperature drops and the man continues to menace them.

Who is the mysterious menace? Is he an investment customer who lost his life savings thanks to these assholes? Is he a random wackadoo? Is he the spirit of Occupy Wall Street manifesting in weather-appropriate gear like a vengeful manitou for the 99%? Late in the movie, The Girl philosophizes that it's just, like, fate, you know? How you make a million little decisions in your life only to end up menaced in an ATM kiosk in the wee hours. 

Yes, ATM really makes you think. All those little decisions you make in your life, only to end up watching ATM in the wee hours. And you may ask yourself...where does that highway go to? And you may ask yourself...am I right? Or am I wrong? And you may tell yourself...my God! What have I done?!

I suppose, however, that I was "entertained." I laughed frequently at the sheer ridiculousness of the entire thing, and I admit that I did want to see how it all turned out. I mean, you can't get mad at the 70 pound baby when you see it and it just lies there–what did you expect? And so I can't get mad at ATM for being as mind-bogglingly stupid as I figured it would be. You do you, ATM. You do you.

"I'm like...way scared right now."

Tomorrow's movie: Baby Blues (2013) - you had me at "sinister-looking doll"!

Day 1: STARRY EYES (2014)

"I am not a million other girls."

As someone who has done a fuck ton of theater, I have been on both sides of the table at an audition plenty of times. Each side is wonderful and excruciating. Everyone can imagine what it's like for an actor. You might be there for a cold reading, or maybe you've had time to rehearse. You could perform a scene from the show you're auditioning for, or you could bust out some monologue you've been working on forever. Regardless, you've got a few minutes (if you're lucky) to impress, then you're out the door.

Honestly, though, I found the other side of the table more difficult. Face after eager, hopeful face, doing whatever they can to get your approval, to be The One you cast. The ever-so-expensive headshots with poses chosen according to the audition; is it a comedy? Best to provide a picture where you're making a very slightly wacky face–a crooked smile, a wryly raised eyebrow–so they know you can be quirky and funny. Trying out for a lawyer role? Use the one where you're in a blazer, maybe wearing glasses with your hair up in a Sensible Bun so they know you can portray someone who can say things like "Habeus corpus, Your Honor!" or what-the-fuck-ever. Then on to the next, and to the next, and the next. I remember one time, an actor "just happened" to have a box of donuts with him, no really, he just stopped, and wouldn't we like to have some, he'll just leave them right there on the table, please, they're very good?

It was all that hope, my heart couldn't really take it. I mean, I loved it in that soul-crushing way, you know? These people, all trying. Whatever their true motivations were, however noble or superficial–whether they simply loved the creative process or they just wanted to tell stories or they only wanted to see their face on the cover of People magazine–whatever, they were putting themselves out there, hoping to be picked. I couldn't help but wonder about them all, where they'd end up. Some might go on to be regular working actors, on stage or on screen. There was always a chance they could end up FAMOUS. But for so many, there would likely come that moment where they say "Well, I tried." They would stop with the auditioning, they wouldn't get new headshots, acting would become a dream of the past. Sometimes they would go on to better things, to a career they're more suited for, a life more fulfilling. But that moment...I love making theater, I love love love it, but that moment is too much for me to think about every time someone walks into the room. I decided that I would rather find my own Dreamlanders and make my own shit forever than take a chance that someone would ever try to give me a box of donuts again.

I'm telling you all this because man, it all came flooding back to me last night whilst watching Starry Eyes, wherein hopeful actress Sarah (Alex Essoe) goes to...let's say extreme lengths in her bid for fame and fortune. "Dreams require sacrifice," says the mysterious and powerful film producer. When hard work and talent aren't enough, how far will Sarah go to prove she's worthy of a leading role? (SPOILER: she does more than bring the guy a box of donuts.)

Some of you suggested in the comments here that I'd love this movie and guess what: HOLY SHIT DID I. Starry Eyes begins as a slow burn character study and ends up a violent, super gory, body horror-flavored look at the price of fame and the history of Hollywood. It's like someone took some of the themes of Mulholland Dr., the movie that Contracted wanted to be (or should have been), a tiny dab of Suspiria, some actresses and other Los Angelenos I have known, and a splash of '80s-inspired soundtrack goodness and blended it all up. Alex Essoe gives a hell of a performance, the gore is insane, and it's a wholly original take on timeless legends on acquiring both fame and talent. I don't want to spoil anything! But it's highly recommended. SHOCKtober can only be downhill from here!

And just to prove that's true: tomorrow's film is ATM. I sure hope it brings me some donuts!

'Tis the season

Kids, the best time of the year is finally upon us, huzzah! Horror movies available for cheap at the grocery store, skulls on sale at CVS, I have exchanged my summer gramma slippers for my winter gramma slippers, and I'm about to bust out the totally spooky red font, so pull up your pants, my friends: yeah SHOCKtober! Thursday marks the beginning of a month-long celebration here at Final Girl and also at every other site on the internet. But will those other sites have...movie reviews??

Probably most of them will. SIGH.

But here is the pitch, y'all: I'll be reviewing/talking about movies I've never seen before that are currently available on Netflix. It's true, I'm going to have to get over my fear of horrible, generic Photoshopped cover images, vague descriptions that don't tell you anything, and the worst rating system ever and indulge in some streaming horror. I'm looking forward to finally seeing some stuff that's been a-lingerin' in my queue forever, stuff I'm forever putting off. Everyone knows that movie-watching is a most enjoyable pastime when you force yourself to do it! Ha ha, just kidding. But really, my queue is a bloated, unsightly thing, and so often I will scroll by the horrible, generic Photoshopped covers and think "Not today...not today..." But during SHOCKtober I say YES TODAY. Or tomorrow, or at least by the end of the month.

I'll announce the movie I'm gonna talk about the day before I talk about it, so if you want to watch and feel like we're hanging out you can do so. If you have a site and you also write about the movie, you can pimp yourself until your hand falls off in the comments here! Look man, we're all gonna have a good time this month, okay. SHOCKtober rules!

DAY 1: STARRY EYES (2014)

I have no idea what it's about and I don't care! October 1st...be here or be squeeyer.

Horror Without People: THE CHANGELING

Spoiler alert: you are gonna need some industrial-strength oven mitts to handle the extremely hot take I'm about to lay down. And that is: for my money ($0.36), the very best haunted house movies establish a real sense of place. Crazy, right? It should go without saying. But I'm saying it anyway, because saying things that people should already know is one of my favorite pastimes. In related news, pizza: so good!

But look, sure, you can have a successfully interesting and/or frightening supernatural horror film wherein you say a place is haunted and then you just plop some characters any-ol'-where and throw in some ghosts or whatever. (I don't want to brag, but I'm obviously pretty good at pitching stories.) But this is not the case with, say, The Shining or The Haunting, where the Overlook Hotel and Hill House are essential characters in the stories. Would the Torrance family have been as terrorized had they spent the winter at your local Motel 6? Yes, obviously, but for very different reasons: the rotting lady in the bathtub would have been high on krokodil, etc. It's just not the same!

The Changeling (1980) features a grand old haunted house that's rather reminiscent of Hill House. Why, it even comes with a warning, given by a Mrs. Dudley-esque dour, stern-faced matron.

That house is not fit to live in. No one's been able to live in it. It doesn't want people.

But no one ever listens to dour, stern-faced matrons–even though they always know what's up–and so John Russell stays in the sprawling manse. The exterior looms menacingly while inside there are seemingly endless hallways and staircases. Rooms are boarded up and hidden away, and the house is full of secrets. The visual cues in The Changeling are so abundant and the setting is so well-established that the tale is all but told without the need for dialogue.

awesome movie poster friday - the 1980 edition!

I gave The Changeling a peep for the first time in a long while last night and man, it's still so good. Good enough, in fact, to warrant its very own Awesome Movie Poster Friday. What an honor! But here's the thing...The Changeling hails from 1980 and 1980 was a great year for horror. It's no 1981, of course, but it gave us a veritable embarrassment of genre riches for sure and that is also good enough to warrant an Awesome Movie Poster Friday. Can you feel the love tonight?

Some other movies 1980 blessed us with have been featured with an AMPF before: Terror Train, The Fog, and Prom Night; City of the Living Dead; Inferno; Friday the 13th. There's also The Shining, but look, there are so many minimalist and modern posters for that movie that I honestly can't be bothered. It feels like it was an assignment for a graduating class of budding graphic designers or something, there are so many. But hey, the film itself is another reason why 1980 makes most other years look like total suckers for being so lame.