awesome movie poster friday - the P.O.V. edition!

In light of my recent review of Chernobyl Diaries, which...hold hold HOLD A MOMENT. As I uploaded the posters from that film, I noticed the taglines for the first time: "Prepare for the fallout"? "Experience the fallout"? Really? REALLY? That is the tackiest, most inappropriate shit I've seen in a long, long time- and I was recently subjected to an episode of Family Guy. Wow.

Anyway, what? Yes, in light of my review of I can't believe those GD taglines, here are some posters from the always-divisive subgenre known as P.O.V. horror. You know I love it!

A few things: geezaloo, those Paranormal Activity posters are really a product of their time, aren't they? They're just so...viral ready. Posters have long employed the critical quote to engender interest, but dayum- a whole block of text from Bloody-Disgusting? Okay, Paranormal Activity, we get it. People like you and think you're scary. You don't have to be so desperate about it. And the Japanese poster for Paranormal Activity 2, with the scanny thing right smack in the center- the Q code or whatever they're called?- I don't know. It doesn't exactly entice me, but I suppose I should just be thankful it's not a Myspace URL.

My favorite of the bunch is the Poughkeepsie Tapes poster with the mask- it does what a horror movie poster should! It's got a simple, intriguing tagline and an image that grabs you by the fill in the blanks with terror.

Now I really want to see "It grabs you by the fill in the blanks with terror!" on a poster someday. Dare to dream!

 

The Chernobyl Diaries Diary

People of Earth, I am just as surprised as you are- uh, assuming you are, in fact surprised- that I went to see Chernobyl Diaries. Let's face it, the odds were not stacked in favor of this movie and I living together in perfect harmony. It required a trip to the theater, which seemed unlikely at best; I mean, far superior films have come and gone (NO, I have not seen Cabin in the Woods so SHUT UP) and I couldn't get motivated to...you know, leave my house for 'em. Then there's the fact that I'm not terribly into real-life tragedies being exploited for the purposes of shitty horror movie plots. Chernobyl Diaries seemed prime for a spot in my Netflix queue where it would languish forever- I'd add it because of a morbid curiosity and a sense of duty, but I would never, ever be in the mood to watch it. But watch it I did, at the thee-ay-turr! I'm still unsure how it all happened; maybe I was chloroformed and brought there, and upon waking I was too groggy to make the effort required to find my way home. No matter!

A group of fresh-faced-n-bland American young-uns on a whirlwind vacation 'round Europe and the such stop off in Ukraine to visit the expat older brother of one of said fresh-faced-n-bland American young-uns. This older brother is fresh-faced-n-WILD-n-RECKLESS, and as such he suggests they spend the day on a tour of Pripyat, the town abandoned in the wake of the 1986 disaster at Chernobyl nuclear plant. For thos of you who may be wondering, yes, this tour is something you can actually do, and truth be told, it is something I would actually do. What that says about me, I don't know.

After much hemming, hawing, and truly, truly dreadful and obvious "Hey, isn't Chernobyl where that nuclear disaster happened?" expository conversations, the group decides that like me, they are the type to visit a radiation-scarred wasteland.

 

This sign says "Pripyat". I know this because...well, not only is it easily deduced from the goings-on in the film, but because I took a whole year of Russian in college. Yes, I did! All that work, leading up to this very moment, when I would find a use for it.

And so, our group of Americans (and a couple of...Aussies? Swedes? I couldn't figure it out) climb aboard tour guide Yuri's rickety van and head off into Pripyat...EVEN THOUGH THE GUARDS AT THE GUARD POST OUTSIDE THE CITY LIMITS SAID NOT TO. Why, that seems downright... ominous. But heck, what's the worst that could happen- they'll need to take Silkwood showers later on? Big whoop! Tally ho!

The gang spends a couple of hours checking out all of the grand sights of Pripyat: the rusty ferris wheel, the abandoned apartment blocks (complete with items left behind by tenants during the evacuation and...a bear roaming around), the abandoned this that and the other, before heading back into civilization. BUT...omigod, no one ever could have seen this coming...Yuri's van won't start! It's been sabotaged. BUT BY WHOM? Was it the bear? Has the rampant radioactivity caused the bears to become sinister and intelligent?

We're walkin' on radiation...and don't it feel GOOD!

The answer, sadly, is no. Still, we can hold out hopes that there will be intelligent, sinister bears in the sure-to-come Asylum ripoff The Pripyat Journals.

When I first heard about Chernobyl Diaries' existence, I wondered both aloud and aquiet: will the "bad guys / monsters" in the film be mutated victims of the disaster? I wondered this as if it weren't an inevitability! Silly me.

As the sun disappeared and darkness descended upon Yuri's van, the gang got to frettin'. Frettin' turned to a wee spot o' panic when there were noises all around Pripyat- wasn't it supposed to be totally, like, abandoned? You know, except for that bear?

You can probably guess what happens next- the gang is picked off one by one. Some of 'em leave the van in the hope of finding help or another mode of transportation, etc etc. At least the filmmakers had the good sense to keep the CRAZY CANNIBAL MUTANTS (yup, radiation sickness will do that to ya) largely obscured. Folks concerned that Oren "Paranormal Activity" Peli's involvement means that this film is another P.O.V. horror flick can hush up and rest easy, because the conceit is dropped quickly.

Hey, remember in the 80s when everyone was kind of weird, and all the sitcoms took "vacations" to various places? You know, when The Facts of Life went to Paris and Growing Pains went to...I don't know, Disneyland or whatthefuckever? Chernobyl Diaries is basically Wrong Turn Goes to Ukraine, all leading up to a WTF? ending that is almost as WTF as the ending to Pieces- you know, where the corpse comes back to life for no reason whatsoever? It's that laden in WTFosity.

Holy crap, I love Pieces.

Despite the fact that the basic plot of Chernobyl Diaries is in terrible taste...despite the fact that the plot is entirely predictable...despite the fact that I didn't give two shits (or even one shit, really) about any of the characters or even bother to learn their names...despite the ending that makes no sense and is slapped on as one of those generic "horror movie endings" because as we all know, a horror movie MUST end with a jolt...despite all this, it wasn't quite terrible. In fact, I would put this film squarely in the serviceable category. It's got a few scares, some gore, and...I didn't hate it. Had it wasted away in my Netflix queue for all eternity, my life would not be any poorer; but, as something to look at while drinking an outrageously overpriced Diet Coke, well, I've looked at worse, no doubt.

It's that time!

What time? The time I say...

Final Girl is on hiatus.

WHAT.

Yes, friends, it must happen. I have a shit ton of work to do in the world of comics, and I can just feel Final Girl sitting here sad and lonely like a cyber Carrie White. I mean, if I'm going to not post and not say anything about it, why don't I just take it a step further and throw tampons at my computer monitor, right? I mean.

Okay, it wouldn't make sense for me to do that in any capacity, but you know what I'm saying. If you can handle the truth, let me tell it to you now- I think I've only watched three movies in the past four months. For serious! Part of that is because I don't have a couch, and I'm sorry...you need a couch for a good movie-watching experience. Or I do, anyway. Call me a baby!

I will still post from time to time, but I felt I needed to make some sort of statement as regular posting won't happen for some time. I'm still down with horror: Slashers 101 is still available, and I'm working on the next installment in the 101 series (YES A SERIES SAY WHAT). If you want some original art made just for you, hit me up at stacieponder at gmail dot com and tell me all about it. Facebook is a pretty good place to find me also.

I'm doing a signing for Womanthology at Casablanca Comics in Portland, ME on Saturday the 24th at 2pm, and one at Hub Comics in Somerville, MA on Saturday the 31st from 12-4. I'll also be at Boston Comic-Con (April 21-22)...not sure on my table time yet, but I'll be on the Womanthology panel, whenever that is. You can come and say hi if you want! I am a solid 26% less interesting in person, but it's balanced by the fact that I'm 38% more awkward.

So yes, that is that. This is better, I think. Now when I post, we'll all be "Oh, how special! Posting during hiatus!" rather than "IT'S ABOUT TIME WHY YOU NEVER POST", right?

Oh Charles Nelson Reilly, you is a cold hearted snake!

So this happened...

Umm, so Barbara Crampton has a copy of Womanthology. This means that Barbara Crampton has some of my comics. This means that Barbara Crampton might actually read some of my comics. I have a lot of feelings about this.

I am just saying.

awesome movie poster friday - the ALIEN edition!

That's right, making good on a promise of yesterweek with these posters from the Alien series...and man, these posters have me wanting to dig into the movies again. Well, the first two, anyway. Maybe the third, which I like if I can keep my brain from screaming YOU DID WHAT TO NEWT AND HICKS the whole time. Alien Resurrection...now, that one I really have no desire to watch ever again. I don't remember hating it, necessarily, but I can't say I enjoyed it. For me it's kind of the equivalent of getting food poisoning from chicken chow mein or what have you- perhaps it's nothing against chicken chow mein itself, but rather the bad experience has my body fighting with everything it has against trying it again. I found a DVD cover for the film that features one quote on it, no tagline. The quote, from People Magazine: "Resurrection rocks!"

That basically sums up that situation, I think.

Also: Prometheus. Oooh baby, I can't wait for that one!

awesome movie poster friday - the PSYCHO edition!

I could have sworn I'd already done a Psycho edition of AMPF, but it seems I'd only done it in my head...until now! Now it has made the leap from my brain to reality! And it has worked out better than most things that make that leap, let me assure you.

once more unto the shower

Wonder with me for a moment, if you will, if Alfred Hitchcock's classic Psycho (1960) had remained a film untouched by Sequel Fever until today. What if, when you logged in to Facebook, your feed was full of you horror-loving cyber-friends talking about a newly-announced Psycho II and linking to stories on all the genre news websites? What if the book had only come out last year? For the sake of this exercise, I'm making like the cast would be the same as is was in 1983, when Psycho II came out...or, at least Anthony Perkins would be reprising his role as Norman.

Look, there's really no deep thought at work here. I'm just wondering how much Internet Outrage there would be...because I get the feeling that horror fans would be incensed. I'm sure I would have chimed in with a WHAT PSYCHO DOESN'T NEED A SEQUEL, or something equally erudite and meaningful.

Because really, Psycho II doesn't need to exist, and it certainly shouldn't be good. And yet, it manages to do both of those things. This is some Ripley's Believe It or Not shit!


Norman Bates (Perkins) is released from an institution 22 years after the events of Psycho. He heads home (bad idea #1) and tries to make a go at a normal life- working in a diner, not killing people, etc. He becomes friends with Mary (Meg Tilly), a waitress at the diner, and invites her into Stately Bates Manor (bad idea #2) when a bad breakup leaves her homeless. Before you can say "bad idea #3", Norman is running Bates Motel again and receiving phone calls and notes from dear old mom. And someone who looks just like dear old mom is spotted throughout the house- is she not really dead? Is Norman up to his old shenanigans?

You'll honestly be wondering what's what in Psycho II right up until...mmm, about 5 seconds before the credits roll, and I don't mean in a confused sort of way. Everything here makes sense- it's just, you see, there is mystery afoot.


Psycho II is the last thing you'd expect: it's super enjoyable. Watching poor Norman struggle to keep it together, waiting for him to pick up where he left off 22 years earlier...it's a delight, oscillating between fear of Norman and fear for Norman.

The violence, when it comes, is fast, brutal, and shocking. Psycho II opens by presenting Hitchcock's shower scene in full (wait, not his shower scene...that would be...eh, you know what I mean), and man, watching it last night...I mean, it's perhaps the most famous scene in horror film history. Everyone has seen it a billion times. Everyone has aped it, miming the stabbing motions and butchering Herrmann's famous score. It's sort of taken for granted how amazing that scene is, but last night it sort of butchered my face and I re-realized just how horrifying it is. I know, duh. But it was some rare touched for the very first time kind of nonsense and it was great. I am just saying.


So listen up, folks- including you, self- the next time there's some announcement and you take to your keyboard or teletype and you start with the WHAT A SEQUEL THAT IS A TERRIBLE IDEA! AN OUTRAGE- THIS IS ONE!, just keep telling yourself: but Psycho II was good...but Psycho II was good...but Psycho II was good...

And I didn't even get into the Meg Tilly-ness of it all!

Poor Annie

Do you remember a million years ago when I wrote a piece about Friday the 13th's unfortunate hitchhiker, Annie? This piece? Piece? No? I didn't think so. Well, read it! And then read this piece about Annie over at the Rue Morgue blog! It's by Annie aficionado Nicholas Kaufmann, and it features some words by yours truly (that's me). PIECE!

mere moments before her death, Annie celebrates feeling zestfully clean