Outward Bound...for DOOM!

While watching the newly-released survivalist slasher flick Wilderness, I was struck by sudden flashbacks to my grade school film strip/movie days. I’m not insinuating, of course, that Eastern Point Elementary was ever set upon by a chainsaw-wielding cuckoo nutso slasher killer bearing a grudge...rather, it was the let’s send these troubled youths out into the wild for some character building! plot of Wilderness that got me thinking about all those Outward Bound movies we were forced to watch back then. I don’t know what exactly I was supposed to get out of watching troubled youths play trust games in the woods, but what I did get out of it was the thought “Self-esteem builder or no self-esteem builder, I’d rather set my face on fire and then put it out with a hammer than walk across a fucking rope bridge.”

Yes, even 11-year-old Final Girl used such foul language. And honey, believe me, you don’t even want to know the swear words I uttered concerning that movie we had to watch about cranberry farms. Anyway, on to the movie at hand...

A group of youth offenders are sent to The Island when the weakest member of their pack commits suicide after enduring nearly constant bullying.

No, I don’t mean the group is forced to sit through a screening of the 2005 Michael Bay crapfest The Island. Two wrongs don’t make a right, now, do they? What I mean is, the kids and their leader Jed (Sean Pertwee, of Event Horizon and Dog Soldiers) head to an actual uninhabited island to learn some lessons, bond, and get straightened out. Considering that they usually spend their days in a depressing cinderblock room, however, camping out and frolicking amongst the trees and rivers didn’t seem like much punishment to me, but whatevs.

During a walk, the boys come across some Blair Witch-style totems dangling from branches; as if that wasn’t enough to convince them they’re not alone on the island, they soon discover another campsite. Before you can say “What the--?”, we learn that there’s a second group of youthful offenders getting back to nature on the island as well, this one an all-female contingent led by ex-Special Forces Superstar Louise (Alex Reid, of The Descent and Arachnid).

"Damn...where the hell did I put my dreamcatcher?"

Louise and Jed decide that the groups should maintain a healthy distance, lest any troubled youthful hormones kick into overdrive and lead to troubled youthful trouble, if you know what I mean.

Umm…I mean sex.

The sex happens anyway, and when Callum (Toby Kebbell) comes across the very bloody, very dead body of a vagrant living on the island, the groups merge into one. Jed presumes Callum to be the killer, but Louise gets her Murder, She Wrote on and notices there’s big bite marks on the body. Hmm. Odd, that. Callum never bites people at home.

Soon enough another boy in the group goes missing; when his disembodied arm is spotted floating downriver, Jed and Louise decide enough’s enough and it’s time to head back to the mainland. Before they can even roll up their sleeping bags, however, the group suddenly finds itself under attack by an unseen archer.

A scene from Alex Reid 2: The Blondening

Jed gets pinned down and then out from the trees comes charging the source of the mysterious bite marks: it’s Hidden Archer’s Trusty Squadron of Elite Killer German Shepherds! Alas, poor Jed. I knew him, Horatio. No really, I do mean poor Jed- in a goretastic sequence, the vicious dogs set to chompin' him up, or “Le Munch-Munch”, as the French call it.

"I suppose you're all wondering why I've called you to this meeting..."

Louise isn’t long for the world either, as not even her Special Forces training can withstand the big bitey dogs. Sadly, she ends up pitched over a cliff, but at least she takes one of the bastards with her.

With the authority figures dead, the kids are completely on their own- will they band together to survive the onslaught and find a way off the island?

I know, I know…you’re thinking “Well, doy, of course they will. Stacie, haven’t you ever seen a horror movie before? Come on, the ragtag group of survivors always overcomes their differences to work together. I mean, really…what the fuck? You act like you’re all big, you’re all “I’m so big and I’ve seen this and I’ve seen that and horror horror blah blah swear word.” Pfft. It seems painfully obvious that you’ve never even seen a zombie movie, or you wouldn’t be asking if the survivors would band together. Man, you don’t know anything. And what’s with that outfit? And your hair? It’s called a brush- you should look into it. Ugh, why do I even read Final Girl? I am so Audi FiveThoudi. You suck!"

OK, first of all, I think you’re totally overreacting. Second, let's ease up a little on the italics, OK? It makes you seem terribly hostile. And third, I’ll have you know that the kids don’t band together against a common enemy in Wilderness. These are bad kids, after all, and they stay bad. True to character, they’re each only looking out for numero uno, and oftentimes they’re more of a threat to each other than outside forces are. So there.

And what’s wrong with my hair?

The unexpected (yet realistic) group dynamic is just one of the things I liked about this movie; then there’s also the approach taken to the subject matter. Essentially, Wilderness is a straight-up slasher flick, as it rather stringently adheres to the “rules” of the genre: an event early on in the story sets up a revenge plot later on, a group of teens is trapped in an isolated location, adults are ineffective or altogether absent, the killer has a signature weapon… it’s little more than a fill-in-the-blanks procedural on the surface. The film, however, manages to simultaneously be comfortably familiar and refreshingly original, thanks in large part to director Michael Bassett.

Bassett, you see, isn’t a product of Hollywood, and neither is Wilderness: both come courtesy of the new wave of British horror. Because of this, there’s a different sensibility brought to the proceedings, even to this most time-worn subject matter. It doesn't feel slick, overly stylized, or as if everyone involved is thinking "franchise money gimme gimme gimme!" This isn’t boardroom terror by committee- this is the plain and gritty horror of the late ‘70s and early ‘80s. It’s basic, it’s simple…and it works. While Wilderness isn’t a perfect film- it falters some in the third act as the “hunter becomes the hunted” and all that- it’s a hell of a lot better than yet another shitty remake or insufferable sequel, and I was thoroughly entertained.

The stalking sequences are pretty top-notch- the simple sound of a whistle, indicating an imminent dog attack, was a technique used particularly well. Those who like their horror bloody will be pleased with the gore content: this movie is pretty fucking gross at times. Again, I refer you to “Le Munch-Munch”. Once the group is under attack, the action doesn't let up much throughout the rest of the film.

While the more experienced actors in the movie, Reid and Pertwee, are killed off fairly early on, the younger cast also does a serviceable job- particularly Stephen Wight as Steve, the most troubled troubled youth. Speaking of familiar faces in the film getting killed, I couldn’t help but notice the similarities between the demise of Louise here and the demise of Beth in The Descent. Perhaps Alex Reid has found her niche, and every character she plays will end up with a touching death scene in a bloody pile whilst wearing a dark tank top.



So, Wilderness…it’s a new slasher flick that’s like an old slasher flick but doesn’t feel like a slasher flick you’ve seen ten million times before. Got that? Good. Check it out. I give it 7.75 out of 10 no really…what’s wrong with my hair?s.

Casting off

The remake of Prom Night is gearing up for a 2008 release. Brittany Snow has been cast as Kim Hammond, the role originally made famous by Jamie Lee Curtis. Brittany Snow is apparently this person...

...and beyond that I can't tell you much, except I assume that mascara is one of her favoritest things evarrr.

Let's face it, a Prom Night remake doesn't sound like a terrible idea- the original makes me sort of nostalgic (it's an '80s slasher, after all), but really we all secretly know it's not a very good movie. I mean, the killer has a fucking to-do list. What the original has over the remake, however, is that bitchin' disco dance scene. I loves me a clapping circle and light-up floor!

Meanwhile, the cast list for the much-maligned Halloween remake is just killer. Names attached include Brad Dourif, Malcolm McDowell, Dee Wallace Stone, Crazy Ol' Clint Howard, and...Adrienne Barbeau. I almost don't even care if the movie sucks with Adrienne Barbeau attached. I mean...it's Adrienne Barbeau. In a horror movie. What more do you need? All Rob Zombie needs to do now to guarantee me seeing the flick in a theatre is to give Tom Atkins a role somewhere in there.

Film Club: The Exorcist

Though long considered "the scariest film ever made", it's not hard to argue that William Friedkin's The Exorcist (1973) is perhaps the greatest horror film ever made. 30+ years after audiences passed out or fled theatres in fright, The Exorcist retains its visceral power and, even beyond the shocking effects, the film stands as one of the finest cinematic studies of man and his place in the universe.

In a lengthy prologue set in Northern Iraq, we meet Father Merrin (Max Von Sydow), an aged Catholic priest participating in a massive archaeological dig. Merrin unearths a statue bearing a demonic face- the statue's meaning (and whether it portends good or evil) is never revealed; almost immediately, however, Merrin finds himself not only surrounded by eerie omens (the hearse-like carriage, the dog fight, the stopped clock...) but also face to face with another demonic statue. The image of Merrin and the statue squaring off across a rocky divide is one of the most important (and artistic) shots in the film.

In that single image, Friedkin sums up the theme of the film in its entirety: there are forces at work that are larger than ourselves; there is good, there is evil, and mankind generally finds itself somewhere in the middle, struggling for identity. I've labeled the picture to help you wrap your head around this lofty notion.

While many consider the opening Iraq sequence to be dull and completely extraneous, I find it to be quite the opposite. The questions raised- what exactly has Father Merrin unearthed? What does the statue represent?- remain unanswered at the film's end. In fact, thanks to an unusual narrative timeline, we don't even learn that the old man in Iraq is Father Merrin until much later in the picture. The Exorcist does not present a rational, ordered universe; if anything, it leaves the viewer feeling rattled and uncertain, a feeling exemplified in the opening reel.

From Iraq, the action moves to Georgetown where the actress Chris MacNeil (Ellen Burstyn) is in the midst of filming a movie. She's set up house with her daughter Regan (Linda Blair), by all accounts a happy, healthy 12-year-old.

After finding a Ouija Board in the basement, Regan begins communicating with someone she calls "Captain Howdy". Before long, Regan begins acting, to put it mildly, unlike herself: she mouths obscenities that make me look like a prude, she's physically abusive to her mother, she suffers uncontrollable seizures, she can...uh...move large furniture using only her mind, and she infamously masturbates violently with a crucifix.

During countless visits to various doctors, Regan is subjected to myriad painful, invasive medical and psychiatric tests. Despite all the spinal taps, EEGs, blood tests, and psychological exams, however, there is no accounting for the changes in Regan. Where science has failed, perhaps religion can help: an exorcism is suggested, and while Chris doesn't want her daughter treated by a "witch doctor", Regan's condition worsens and she's left with few options. She seeks the aid of Father Karras (Jason Miller), a psychologist and priest who has lately been questioning his faith.

Karras is reluctant to offer any help beyond the psychiatric, but after spending some time with Regan (now strapped down in her bed), he determines that an exorcism is indeed in order. Together, Fathers Karras and Merrin face down the demon possessing the young girl, a demon who claims to be Satan himself. During the long ceremony, Merrin's heart eventually gives out and he dies. Karras loses control and, giving up on the bible, begins to pummel Regan. He commands the demon to "take him instead", a request which the demon quickly obliges. Karras regains his humanity long enough to leap out Regan's window and, after falling down those long, long steps, he dies, taking the demon with him.

Regan is soon a regular 12-year-old girl again, retaining no memories from her ordeal, and she and her mother quietly leave Georgetown.

Ask anyone about The Exorcist and most likely their reply will deal with the shocking moments: the pea soup, the head spin, the levitating, the crucifix masturbation, the mothers sucking cocks in Hell. These images become indelible once seen not only because they're completely inappropriate, but also because of the way Friedkin presents them: matter-of-factly and believably. Friedkin's camera is a stoic, objective observer throughout the entire film, taking a documentarian, unsentimental stance. From the exotic landscapes of Iraq to the monstrosities in the doctor's office to the final showdown in Regan's bedroom, the director establishes a methodical, removed approach to the proceedings- there's no commentary, he simply presents events as they unfold. For all the "fireworks" in the final reel, The Exorcist is remarkably not an exploitative or manipulative film.

The distance from which we see Regan undergoing her medical tests, for example, heightens our innate fear of invasive medical procedures. As Regan cowers and shakes, a tiny figure beneath massive, clanking machinery, we genuinely feel for her and her mother. Sympathy for both of them is hugely important to the proceedings, and Friedkin evokes that reaction in the audience without telling us we should feel sympathetic. It's a subtle distinction that points to the masterful hand at work.

This detached view, accompanied by a very slow build to the climax, also makes the outrageous events that transpire seem realistic. Regan's transformation takes place over at least an hour in the film- she gradually becomes more grotesque in appearance as she becomes more violent. Had she simply gotten out of bed one day all crusty and wild-eyed, the audience would pull away immediately. It's a lengthy evolution, though, and this allows for a suspension of disbelief to an extent that's rare in film. By the time Regan is going head-to-head with Father Merrin, we believe she really can levitate and spin her head around 360 degrees- that makes for an incredibly effective horror movie experience.

For my money, the most shocking moment in the film isn't the levitating or the head spin, but rather it's a small one: Regan still looks and sounds like a normal young girl and the cause of her behavior is still assumed to be a brain lesion. In the throes of particularly violent and obscene fit, however, Regan lies back on the bed and this happens:

We also hear, briefly, the raspy voice of the demon, and we finally know that this is not a simple brain lesion. There's some evil fucking juju at work here, and it's terrifying.

I'm not sure why the religious community has always been so up-in-arms over The Exorcist; has there ever been a more religious, moral film? Science and psychiatry fail the MacNeils- it's religion that saves them, despite the fact that they hold no religious beliefs. Father Karras questions his faith throughout the film, only to rely solely on his faith in the end. The Exorcist was made during one of the most turbulent eras in American history- the 'peace and love' ideals of the 1960s were over, the Vietnam War was raging, an energy crisis was just over the horizon- and one could easily read the film as presenting a solution to those societal ills: getting right with God. In tough times, many people turn to religion for solace and that's exactly what happens here. Take that idea to the extreme, and one could reason that the film allegorically presents rediscovering a "moral code" as the answer to burgeoning troubled teen years. Is your child wantonly cussing, masturbating, and acting out? Get that child some morals, pronto!

Audiences are largely divided into 2 camps: those who find The Exorcist scary, and those who don't. Personally, I fall decidedly in the former; the sounds and images in this film still burrow under my skin so deep I need to actively think about other things after I've watched it. How awesome is that? What else could I ask for in a horror film?

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Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for The Film Club Coolies!

$7 Popcorn
Chadwick Saxelid

Defenestration Week: The End

Poor nameless girl teen who has sex in Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood- too bad she didn't realize that sex always leads to defenestration.

OK, so she has a name- it's Robin (Elizabeth Kaitan). By the 7th installment of the Friday franchise, the names don't really matter beyond the hero/heroine, do they? Actually, that probably applies to all the Friday films. That's just how they roll. Nothing wrong with that!

If you cruise over to Pretty/Scary today, you'll find a little something called Goin' Down: The Pretty/Scary Guide to Cave Movies by a little someone called me. It's an easily-digestible way to tell the differences between all the caving flicks of 2005; you also get to read SuperHeidi's funny picture captions. You know, if my guide can prevent even one person from seeing The Cavern, then I'll feel I've truly done some good during my time on this big blue and green marble.

While I hope to steer you all away from that cinematic debacle, however, I also hope to push you directly into watching The Exorcist for Monday's installment of the Final Girl Film Club. We'll all gather, hold cyber-hands, and ruminate on the things Father Karras's mother does whilst she's in hell. It'll be awesome!

Defenestration Week: Day 5

Hmm. Guess I stumped everyone yesterday by featuring Miriam (Susan Ruttan) from Bad Dreams as our Peter Pan wannabe.

It's alright if you didn't solve the mystery- don't beat yourself up over it. No really, please, it's not a big deal. You don't have to impress me all the time, you know, I'll like you anyway...and besides, it's not a very good movie. It does, however, feature Jennifer Rubin, Dean Cameron, and Bruce Abbott, so in some way it's an '80s classic regardless of the quality.

I don't want everyone all depressed for the weekend, though, so let's take the train back to EasyTown for our final window-diver, shall we?

NAME THAT DEFENESTRATION!

And DON'T FORGET! The Final Girl Film Club meeting for The Exorcist is nigh- I'll be talking about it on Monday. I hope you join in the Pazuzu-flavored fun and give it a view. All the cool kids will be watching The Exorcist this weekend!

Defenestration Week: Day 4

If you guessed that yesterday's defenestree was Kristen (Patricia Arquette) from A Nightmare on Elm Street 3, then you are the fucking bomb. That l'il Dream Warrior sailed out the window and right smack into the hearts and minds of audiences the world over in 1987. She dreamed us all into a beautiful dream!

And yes, in all likelihood I made up the word "defenestree". I'm just that cool.

OK, it's time to up the ante for all you smarty pantseseses out there. Take this!

NAME THAT DEFENESTRATION!

Defenestration Week: Day 3

Yessir, those big white bellbottoms surely gave it away- yesterday's diving lassie was none other than Sally (Marilyn Burns) from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre ('74). The poor tormented thing was so hardcore she had to jump out of a window on two occasions to get away from Leatherface and Friends. At least she made it out with all her pretty pretty teeth.

OK, here's the next diver...there's a major clue in the photo that should help you get your Jessica Fletcher on and solve the mystery!

NAME THAT DEFENESTRATION!

At this time, I'd like to extend Happy Valentine's Day wishes to everyone- I've got a super secret Valentine's crush on all of you, except of course for the three of you I really can't stand. Raise a glass, and let's hope no one ends the day stuffed into a dryer at the laundromat.

Defenestration Week: Day 2

Thanks to everyone who played along and a big congratulations to all the smarty-pantseseses out there who correctly guessed the answer to yesterday's Defenestration Mystery. 'Twas the faire evil twin Tina (Camilla More) tossed out yon window by Jason Voorhees in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. Pat yourselves on the back!

Oh, and by "evil", of course, I mean "slutty". Same dif.

At any rate, here's today's mystery photo. This one is so easy, even Stevie Wonder could guess it!

NAME THAT DEFENESTRATION!

Defenestration Week: Day 1

Whether it's self-imposed or not, defenestration is a slasher movie staple. We've seen it a million times- most often it's some girl in her underwear who goes flying out the window in slow motion. Let's celebrate breakaway glass and mannequins, shall we?

NAME THAT DEFENESTRATION!

I'll start you off with a fairly easy-to-guess flyer- I'll fill you in on the answer tomorrow.

indulgence

Who loves The Internet?

Answer: we ALL do. Today at Final Girl I'd like to give you a peek behind the magical, pixelated curtain of The Internet in a game I like to call These Are Some Google Search Terms People Have Typed In And Subsequently Found Their Way To Final Girl. Yes, I'm aware that it's an awfully awkward title and I promise I'm working on that.

Given that this is a horror-themed blog, you'd think that people would find me after typing in something like "Laurie Strode" or "My Bloody Valentine", and yes, occasionally that happens. More often than not, though, people type in some weird-ass shit and somehow end up here at the pristine, sweet, sugar and spice and everything nice Final Girl. Here's a big fat crop of my favorites, exactly as they were entered into Google:

scary things (a guy takes his coat and leaves and something pops up)

-My, that would be scary! It's even scarier if you type it like this: "something" pops up.

naaaaaked women

-Yes, with 5 letter As. When you say that out loud, you have to rub your hands together menacingly at the same time.

the girl was restrained and forced fat on her

-I'm...confused. Did a fat person sit on the restrained girl, or did they make her eat fat, or...did they, like, put fat on her head...?

mom hiding spot for a dildo

-NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO times 5874896362148533545632563226.

If I misunderstood your intent and you're considering using your mom as a hiding spot for a dildo, add 23 to the above number.

how to frig a girl

-If you're calling it "frig", chances are you'll never have the opportunity to use any info you might learn.

gimme that big ass girl

-Is this a rap song?

waylon flowers and madame

-I'm so fucking proud of that one.

George Clooney tighty whiteys

-This one has Harlequin reader written all over it.

fannys big holes

-This one is interesting because the meaning changes drastically depending on the punctuation. Consider: "fannys; big holes" vs "fanny's big holes"

does Holly Slattery smell of poo poo?

-I'd think you wouldn't have to ask.

Courtney Thorne-Smith flogging movies

-This is the high water mark of my blogging career. I'm sorry, but if someone types in "Courtney Thorne-Smith flogging movies" and the results have anything to do with me, I feel my work on this planet is complete.

I'm not kidding.

shirley maclaine masturbates

-JESUS FUCKING LOUISEUS. Yes, I'm sure she does, has, or will and why the fuck do you want to know about it??

girls having six with animals

-Phew! Almost thought they meant something else.

As far as I'm concerned, girls can have six with animals all they want. Having four or five is another matter entirely, however.

There you go, a wonderful look at the human psyche. What surprises me almost more than any of those search terms is the fact that there are still many many many people searching for Shannon Tweed info every single day. Of course, I realize that the world don't move to the beat of just one drum.

Now then...how did YOU find me? Really, I'd like to know, especially from people who found Final Girl and keep coming back. The Internet is such massive monstrosity, it still blows me away that anyone's found me at all. So what's your story? And all you lurkers, de-lurk for a moment and chime in, I won't bite.

I save all my flogging for Courtney Thorne-Smith, anyway.

Mini-Event Day 2: The Cavern

You know, if today's movie, The Cavern (2005), had arrived with its other title, WIthIN, plastered on it, I may have skipped watching it on principle and saved myself some pain. Yes, "WIthIN". I don't know who ends up making these decisions, but I really can't fucking stand it when movies play with fonts in an attempt to be clever and edgy. For example:

Dear David Fincher,

Your movie is called Seven, not Se7en. You see, Se7en is pronounced "sesevenen", and that makes no sense.

Love,
Final Girl

Yes, and as you may have noted I said "saved myself some pain"- it takes a rare movie to suck so hard that I cop to that old complaint "Well, there goes 80 minutes I'll never get back", but The Cavern surely fits that bill. Oh, to be suddenly stricken with rampant polydactyly so I could flip this movie off more than twice at a time.

The Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue (plus one nerd) heads to uncharted territory (hundreds of miles deep into Nowhere, Kazakstan) to explore some caves. No one knows they're there, of course, because "secrets travel fast in the caving world". I get the feeling that the group will run into trouble in the caves and no one will be able to rescue them because of this secret-keeping, but who knows. Maybe I'll be wrong!

The night before the expedition, the group sits around a CGI campfire expounding about the mysticism of caves and past tragedies and blah blah blah and who cares because I just said CGI CAMPFIRE. You know what? I don't give a fuck how infinitesimal your budget is, I'm pretty sure you can afford a real fucking fire. If a Cro-Magnon can afford it, then I think it probably falls within your budget.

As you can see, The Cavern and I were not off to a particularly good start. Things continued along the downward spiral as two characters got up in the middle of the night to screw in the mouth of the cave. Gratuitous sex scene in a horror movie? OK, yeah, I'll give you that. But if you're going to add an overly obvious, blatantly gratuitous sex scene to your movie, at least have the characters take off their clothes!

Boy, this review is gonna contain many, many italics, I can tell you that right now.

Once the group enters the cave system, they come to a giant opening in the floor. Because this is uncharted territory, they get to name everything they find; I was hoping they'd call the hole "The Great Minge", but no- they call it "Hell Pit". Ooh, scary.

They descend into Hell Pit and then we, the audience, are in for some of the worst filmmaking I've ever seen in my life. I can only assume that writer/director Olatunde Osunsanmi was trying to be artistic with this film, and that's not an ignoble goal, necessarily. I mean, The Shining is a visual masterpiece, but the set pieces and deliberate shots never overpower or outshine the proceedings. Besides, Stanley Kubrick knew what the fuck he was doing. "Artistic shots" in The Cavern means a soft focus effect to the point of haziness (a la the Cybill Shepherd-cam in Moonlighting), jump cuts galore, minimal lighting, shaking cameras, upside-down shots...it's like watching a seizure. In fact, during one sequence in the movie, I actually developed epilepsy and had 36 Grand Mal Seizures in a row.

Minimal lighting in a dark space can be a very effective technique (ahem...The Descent); however, when you choose to use headlamps as the only light source, it's probably not a good idea to constantly have the characters moving towards the camera, because you end up with a whole lot of this:



Am I supposed to tell what the fuck is going on in this movie, or am I being asked where I was last Tuesday around 9pm?

The Cavern had 10 good seconds in it: there was a moment where the group stopped and stood perfectly still because they heard a noise. It was a well-done 10 seconds and it was actually creepy. Then the group was attacked by something and the jumpcuts, screaming, yelling, running, and upside-down trickery began again.

Yes, people continue to get picked off one by one by something indeterminate, some evil force within the cave that has moved a huge boulder over the Hell Pit opening, blocking the way out. The group descends farther into the cave and they decide to lay a trap for the evil force- if they can kill it, they can concentrate on navigating the labyrinth without fear. They lure the evil force into an open area and pump it full of lead- yes, they brought guns- and it seems the evil force is actually some sort of "wolf/bear hybrid".

Sadly, the "wolf/bear hybrid" isn't dead and the group continues to dwindle. When their headlamp batteries go dead, they all resort to using camera flashes in an impossibly rapid succession, bringing on Grand Mal Seizures 37-61.

Eventually, the two female members of the group are the only ones left alive. They find daylight, and as they're crawling towards it we hear "RARR!" and then "EEEEK!" and the screen goes black.

I thought it was over. I thought I could live again, but no...

The girls wake up next to another CGI fire, this time somewhere in the cave. They're naked but for animal pelt blankets.

They spot a big pile of hiking gear and begin to riffle through it, quickly determining that they're not the first victims of the "wolf/bear hybrid" after all. They find clothes, photographs and...an airplane wing. They find some food and water and act like beasts, cramming crap in their mouths and literally going "nummmm nummmnum numm grunt grunt". Then they discover they're eating a person and they barf.

The "wolf/bear hybrid" returns and we learn that it's not a "wolf/bear hybrid" at all- nor is it an evil force. It's...a...

...dude. It's a dude. It's a fucking dude wearing animal pelts and a cow skull!

In a 15 second Grand Mal Flashback, we infer that he lost his family in a plane crash when he was a child and he took to living in the caves. Apparently this means he became Super Cave Man, able to rip men in half, move boulders, climb walls, and survive being hit with a full clip of ammo.

Super Cave Man snaps out of his reverie, kills one girl and rapes the other. The End.

No really, the movie ended in mid-rape. The movie ended in mid-rape!

I try...I've seen some bad movies, as you well know, dear reader, and it's not often that I hate a movie so much that I want to go brush my teeth immediately after viewing it. Even when a movie is bad, I try so very hard to be...smartly critical of it, even when I'm totally taking the piss. The Cavern, though...I can't even rate this movie. I honestly hated this movie. All I can say is fuck this piece of shit movie, I want my 80 minutes back.

This weekend, I'm taking The Descent out to a nice dinner to apologize. I'll buy it candy and flowers and beg its forgiveness, promising never to leave its side again.

Mini-Event Day 1: The Cave

When two films similar in plot emerge on the scene in the same year, who or what is to blame? Is it a matter of imitation or is it IdeaSpace- the notion that ideas float around in the ether of our collective consciousness, waiting to be plucked out? These types of questions arise when you notice a trend in filmmaking, such as the 2005-6 spate of spelunking-gone-awry flicks that hit screens, including The Descent, The Cavern, and The Cave. I’ve practically got an event week on my hands here!

The Cave has probably drawn the most comparisons to Neil Marshall’s The Descent- both feature people, caves, and the monsters who dwell in them- and while it’s fun to read posts on IMDb about which movie would win in a cage match (“I give The Descent a 7 and The Cave a 3.5!” “R U stoopid? The Descent wasn’t scary and The Cave had better monsters!”), the similarities end at the superficial.

A long time ago (30 years) in a galaxy far, far away (Romania), a group of surly…uh, people…find a church tucked away high up in the Carpathian Mountains. Their ultimate goal, however, is the enormous cavern underneath the church. They bust out some TNT and blow a hole in the floor; this, of course, leads to an amazing CGI avalanche / cave-in once they’ve descended underground. The fools! Oh, and by “amazing”, I mean “fake-looking”.

Suddenly we’re back in the present where another group is excavating the church ruins. When the flooded cave system below is discovered, it begs to be explored, which can only mean one thing- it’s time to call in the Elite Supergroup of Cave Diving Scientists! No, wait, not them- we want The hot, twentysomething Elite Supergroup of Cave Diving Scientists! The group, including Jack (Cole Hauser), Charlie (Piper Perabo), and Super Scientist Kathryn (Lena Headey), head into the depths to explore, take pictures, and…explore. This leads to such scintillating exclamations as this, from Charlie: “Did you get a shot of that? It’s sick, dude! Totally rockin’!” Thank god Piper Perabo was hidden behind a mask when she uttered the line- how could she possibly say that with a straight face?

It becomes apparent that the group is not alone in the caves when some large albino tadpole things swim by; when the tadpoles go on the attack, one plot device leads to another until the tunnel collapses and our Sexy Supergroup is trapped. Elder statesman Dr. Nicolai (Marcel Iures) suggests they wait for rescue as they face 90 miles of tunnels to emerge on the other side of the system. Jack reminds him that they are such an elite Squad of Super Sexy Cave Diving Scientists that no one in the world is qualified to rescue them- they can only rescue themselves. Onward they go, swimming towards their inexorable fate.

At this point, you might think “Uh, yeah, ok- The Descent much?”…you might also think that “inexorable fate” makes the movie sound all existential and shit. You might also think “Hey, didn’t Piper Perabo and Lena Headey fall in love and make out in that featherweight same-sex romantic comedy Imagine Me & You? Maybe they’ll make out here!” You’d be right to think any of those things, but allow me to clarify.

First, after the cave-in, this flick really departs in plot from The Descent, and not only because this group of cavers largely comprises muscly men (and because the characters are so thinly written, they tend to solve their problems by punching each other)- the monsters are quite different, which I'll touch on in a sec. Second, I could fill the rest of this review with Camus quotes and big words and this movie would still be little more than sci-fi fluff. Third, no, Piper Perabo and Lena Headey do not make out in The Cave, but if they did, the movie would be at least 23% better.

With the help of Lena Headey’s microscope, we come to learn a few things about the monsters dwelling underground and how they got there- the real monsters, you see, are teeny-tiny parasites that enter the bloodstream and transform the host organism into big, toothy, slimy, pasty, swimming, flying monsters- the monsters stalking our Sexy Scientists are, in fact, the very same surly people who discovered the cave 30 years ago. When a monster scratches Jack, Jack gets infected and very slowly transforms; this gives Cole Hauser a chance to wear funky contacts, glare, and sweat a lot throughout the remainder of the film.

The parasite-transforming-the-host angle isn’t a terrible idea, really, and it even seems somewhat realistic. The Cave, however, takes a good idea and blows it in a simple case of bad execution. I mentioned earlier that the characters are thinly written- that’s probably an understatement. They’re at once both extremely one-dimensional and implausible- they’re in their mid-20s, yet they’re the world’s most elite cave divers AND they're ex-Special Forces? Oh yeah, and they’re "scientists", too. While the men are simply pumped up testosterone cases who argue and punch each other, the women serve to 1) say things like “Totally rockin’!” (Charlie), or 2) get incessantly hit on (Kathryn). I mean, I’m not a Red Cross-certified CPR Artist or anything, but was it necessary to cut open Kathryn’s wet suit to give her mouth to mouth?

Speaking of wet suits, that reminds me. The Cave is chock full of elements that left me scratching my head in wonder. After they’re trapped by the ceiling collapse, Jack instructs the Sexy Supergroup to leave behind any items that aren’t essential to getting out of the cave alive; why, then, does each person change outfits at least twice? In fact, I counted no less than four getups on Piper Perabo on this expedition.

The cave system itself is…in a word, fucking ridiculous. There are sheer rock faces that are so high- thousands of feet- that when a character plunges off one it reminded me of that scene in Lord of the Rings, you know, the one where Gandalf fights that big monster and they fall for 3 weeks. At one point, the characters inexplicably find an icy, glacier-like passage…

…and LITERALLY right around the corner is a giant room I came to call The Flaming Knob Palace.

"I'm gonna learn how to fly- HIGH!"

Of course, I’m not Tomb Raider or anything and so maybe such a thing is possible, who knows. It was ludicrous enough to make me laugh, though, and that’s probably not a good thing.

Actually, I laughed quite a bit during The Cave, so take that for what you will. There’s underwater knife-vs-monster fights, midair knife-vs-monster fights, there’s terrible dialogue, and an ending that simply cracked my shit up as Kathryn reveals the parasite eyes hiding behind her Foster Grants.

While, as I said, both The Cave and The Descent feature people, caves, and the monsters who dwell in them, that’s where the similarities end. The Cave is more action/sci-fi than horror, and as it’s PG-13 it’s a largely bloodless affair. While The Descent delves into psychological horror as well as monster horror, the only thing about The Cave that will make you think are the head-scratchers I posed above. If you’re looking for a bad popcorn monster movie, you’ve found it! I give it 4.5 out of 10 maybe next Piper Perabo and Lena Headey should team up in an antagonistic buddy-cop flick, where Piper Perabo plays a feisty, hardened NYPD detective who’s recently lost her partner in a shoot-out with a scum-sucking drug dealer and Lena Headey plays her new partner, an uptight British import. They don’t get along, of course, and Piper Perabo calls Lena Headey some name like “Buckingham” (for the Palace, natch) and Lena Headey will scold Piper Perabo for going against regulations and breaking the rules. Then the movie will kinda ripoff Ladykillers (starring Marilu Henner and Thomas Calabro) and the duo will have to investigate a series of murders at an exclusive Chippendales-style strip joint, that way there could be lots of musical numbers wherein screaming ladies wave dollar bills at breakdancing cowboys. Eventually the girls solve the crime and bag the perp, Lena Headey has learned something about New York bagels, Piper Perabo has learned something about clotted cream, and they’re not only partners but they’re also now besties. The film ends with a freeze-frame of a high-five and “Paradise City” by Guns-n-Roses starts blaring over the credits. Oh yeah, and they make outs.

love to love you, baby

Do you read The Horror Blog? Well, you should because it rocks. All the cool kids are reading it. You should definitely check it out on Fridays, wherein various folks from the horror blogosphereouniverse come together for The Horror Roundtable to expound on the weekly topic of choice. I've laughed, I've cried, I've made like a zombified Dorothy Parker.

This week's topic is "Name Your Favorite Erotic Scene from Any Horror Film"- go read the results and chime in with yours. I am curious (about your choices).

Animals Run Amok Week: Day 5

Another Super Spectacular Event Week comes to a close here at Final Girl, and what better movie to end the week with than Gnaw: Food of the Gods 2 (1989)? There's surprisingly little info on this movie out there on The Internerd, which I find more than a little shocking. At the film's end, as the tape rewound, I ruminated for a bit on how I must now be one of the cool kids who's seen this flick- surely the entire world adores it as I do, and now I belong! Judging from the 2.1/10 rating on imdb, however, it seems that I'm in a Club of Me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that Gnaw is good, oh my heavens no; what I'm saying is that Gnaw is a total Mellencamp- and for those of you not hip to my lingo yet, that means this movie hurts soooo good.

After a short scene introducing us to a group of loudmouth animal rights protesters at Some University, we cut to an...uh, I think it's supposed to be an asylum of some kind out in the woods. Dr. Treger (Jackie Burroughs) has placed a frantic phone call to Dr. Hamilton (Paul Coufos of Chopping Mall) at Some University- she desperately needs his assistance right this second and can he please come over and please hurry! Ham arrives on the scene and in the biggest cinematic surprise since Jaye Davidson's sausage and eggs played peek-a-boo in The Crying Game, this happens:

Yes, a 14-foot-tall 8-year-old comes bounding around the corner...then there's this exchange:

Dr Treger: Bobby, I'd like you to meet my colleague, Dr. Hamilton.

Bobby: And I'd like you to get the fuck out of here! Get out, you bitch!

Honestly, I was laughing so hard I had to stop the VCR. Minutes, yes minutes later, when my laughter subsided, I considered stopping for good- I'd just seen the perfect 120-second movie. How could the rest of the proceedings top a foul-mouthed 14-foot-tall 8-year-old? It didn't seem possible. There was more supersized goodness waiting to be had, though, and I soldiered on...but not before I made out with the movie box for 15 minutes.

Dr Treger explains that Bobby was treated for a growth deficiency with an experimental growth hormone and oh, no one should play God! Look what we have wrought unto ourselves! Not only is Bobby 14-feet tall and growing, he's becoming increasingly belligerent. Today he's swearing, tomorrow he could be punching necks! Ham agrees to try to find a cure ASAP.

After a night in the lab spent tapping computer keys, pouring things into beakers, and lighting bunsen burners to the strains of some hardcore 80s synth action music, Ham has identified the problem in Bobby's cell structure. He uses the synthesized growth serum to...make some tomatoes get really big. But then he's totally gonna set about finding the antidote!

To find a cure, however, Ham is forced to experiment on rats, even though he's dead set against it because 1) he prefers to experiment on vegetables; 2) he has a pet rat named Louise whom he loves very much; and 3) he's dating one of the aforementioned animal rights protesters, Alex (Lisa Schrage, "Mary Lou" of Prom Night 2), and she would be so pissed if she found out. She does find out and lectures Ham about playing God, but then she takes him home for a little nookie. It's a largely unappetizing affair, as we're treated to shots of Ham making out with Alex's chin intercut with shots of rats eating tomatoes.

Oh, wait...I get it now. Yeah, that's wicked symbolic.

Meanwhile, back at the lab, Alex's uppity protesting cohorts have broken into Ham's lab. Before you can say "What? No WAY!", the cages are tipped over and all the injected rats are scurrying about. They promptly set about eating the face off the lead animal rights protester.

Omigod WAIT...now I totally get THAT. Gnaw: Food of the Gods 2 is so totally fucking deep!

The next hour goes pretty much as you'd expect: giant rats run around eating people, a cinematic trick achieved largely through the use of Rat Eye View and big puppet rat heads. At times, however, the next hour goes not at all as you'd expect: the proceedings are decidedly gory and there's even some completely gratuitous synchronized swimming thrown in for good measure. As if attempting to solidify its B-Movie status, Gnaw features a visible boom mike in several shots and Alex's hairstyle changes from scene to scene (and even sometimes within the same scene).

Eventually, of course, the SWAT team is called in to dispatch the giant rats with their machine guns. That's all well and good, thought I, but what of Giant Bobby, whose size and anger issues still hadn't been cured? As if the videocassette had peeked into my brain as I was a-wonderin', our focus shifts back to the asylum in the woods. A giant hand- yes, praise Jesus, a giant hand- lays the smackdown on Dr Treger and suddenly Bobby is loose. Sadly, this is where the film ends. What a fucking tease. Considering it was 13 years between Food of the Gods and its sequel, I can only hope that we may yet see The Story of Giant Bobby on the screen someday. I can even hear his swear words, if only shouted in my dreams.

Gnaw is one of those movies that begs the question "Is this bad on purpose?"- at times it seems delightfully self-aware, and I thought perhaps it was supposed to be a comedy. At other times, however, the material is treated with a dead seriousness that leaves you confused. It really doesn't matter; any movie that features a giant fake hand hitting someone is like a gift from the gods. Like Food of the Gods...holy crap, I totally get THAT! I could write a thesis on this movie! I give it 7 out of 10 Who wants to join The Club of Me?s.

Animals Run Amok Week: Day 4

Ahhhhhhhhhhh. You hear that? That's the sweet sweet sound of a sweet sweet sigh of sweet sweet satisfaction. Sweet sweet, I say, for lo...I have seen Kingdom of the Spiders (1977), and lo...it was goooooood. In fact, I enjoyed this flick more than just about any other I've seen in this wonderful little subgenre- yeah, it was that good.

Right from the get-go, we've got one of the most bizarre-yet-fucking-awesome movie theme songs ever: country crooner Dorsey Burnette's "Peaceful Verde Valley". The lyrics are completely inappropriate for the flick that's about to unfold, but it matters not: it's the 70s, every movie must have a theme song, and this one was rad.

Poor Arizona. Having barely survived the giant rampaging bunnies of 1972, the state finds itself fending off hordes of angry tarantulas a mere five years later. It all begins on the farm owned by Walter Colby and his wife Birch (Woody Strode and Altovise Davis), where we watch their cow get attacked by...hmm...things that are awfully low to the ground. People, I am not even lying when I say that the cow gives one hell of a performance. It turns its head and looks at the camera, it stops chewing on cue as if it's just heard a noise...I'm telling you, watch this and you will believe a cow can act! Most horror movie actors can only dream of putting in performances like this.

The calf soon dies and local veterinarian "Rack" Hansen (a surprisingly restrained William Shatner) is stumped. He sends some blood samples to the University for analysis, and soon enough the sexy city-slicker entomologist Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling) is on the scene. I mean, really, can you stand the hotness?

The hair! The dazzling smile! The sunglasses! The neckerchief! GOD, I LOVE 1977!

Anyway, Ashley quickly figures out that the calf died from a massive dose of spider venom, an idea which Rack dismisses- a spider couldn't kill a cow! Silly, silly woman. As more and more animals go missing or turn up dead, however, it seems that Ashley is right- and Verde Valley has got itself a nasty spider problem; that goes double for poor Farmer Colby. The spiders have built themselves a nice big hill on his land, and this Spider HQ is home to thousands of the critters. Our team decides to burn the mound to the ground to stave off the threat...the problem is, another 20 or so mounds are discovered.

The hothead Mayor (Roy Engel) wants to douse the countryside in DDT, but Ashley warns him that it's pesticides that have made the tarantulas act so aggressive in the first place. The Verde Valley County Fair is coming up, though, and far be it from a public official to listen to reason when money's on the line. He orders the crop duster to take to the sky; unfortunately for the pilot, a few spiders have come along for the ride. The pilot screams like a little girl when he's attacked (I'm not kidding, he really does and it's awesome), the plane goes down, and we chalk up a victory for the spiders.

From this point on, Kingdom of the Spiders really kicks things into high gear. The spiders go on an all-out assault, turning the town to complete chaos. Farmer Colby drives off a cliff; his wife shoots herself in the hand because there's a spider on it; townspeople are getting cocooned left and right- the spiders are storing people as food for later- the webbing, like Tupperware, seals in the freshness.

Rack, Ashley, and a few other survivors are holed up in a lodge against the onslaught. Can they fend off the threat and survive?

Well, they survive the night, anyway. But Kingdom of the Spiders won my heart when it didn't pussy out at the end- as our plucky survivors wake to the dawn of a new day (and the strains of "Peaceful Verde Valley" once again), they look outside to see...the entire town has been cocooned in the night. The spiders have won, people; the spiders have won. Yes, the last shot of the film is side-splittingly, hilariously bad (we see the newly cocooned town, sure, but umm...it's a painting), but it doesn't matter. Any movie that has the balls to kill off mankind is fine by moi.

I think that's why I like these Animals Run Amok movies so much- most of the time, it's a disaster that man has brought onto himself through hubris or reckless disregard. As wanton hair spray use leads to a half-naked Leslie Nielsen wrestling a bear, so wanton pesticide use leads to William Shatner fending off bloodthirsty tarantulas. These flicks, like disaster movies with all-star casts, are reminders to mankind not to be so cocky because Mother Nature can kick our asses any time she damn well pleases.

I will admit, though, that Kingdom of the Spiders is a bit tough to watch at times- not only because it's a major heebie-jeebie inducer, but also because the thousands of spiders featured are 100% real. This flick is like the ASPCA's worst nightmare come to life as tarantulas are run over, set on fire, squished, and dispatched in many various ways- what can I say, I'm a gentle, loving soul and it bothered me. What? I am.

But it didn't bother me so much that I didn't love this movie! There's rumors of a deluxe-edition DVD hitting shelves sometime in the not-so distant future...I'll buy three copies: one to watch, one to put under my pillow when I sleep, and one to put down my pants. That's how much I loved this movie! I give it 8 out of 10 I thought it was a nice unexpected twist when the hot entomologist finds a spider in a drawer and, instead of shrieking, calmly picks it up and puts it ouside...then again, she was an entomologist, so I guess she wouldn't flip out because she saw a spider. Never minds.