awesome movie poster friday - the 1976 edition!

Burnt Offeringzzzzzzzzzzz

I always want to like Burnt Offerings (1976) more than I actually do. Or maybe I think I should enjoy it more than I do, or that it's better than I think it is and I just don't get it. I mean, I dig it in its own way- that way being a campy one. But wahhh, I want to like it in a scary The Haunting kind of way and I never really do. Life, she is so very hard sometimes.

City folk Ben and Marian Rolf rent a sprawling, sorta-dilapidated manse for the summer from a very odd duo, the Allardyce siblings. The property comes super cheap, but with a caveat: they must care for the Mother Allardyce, who is safely tucked away in a room upstairs and won't be any sort of a bother, honest. Now if it it were me, I'd go running at that little addendum to the lease terms, but not the Rolfs! Instead, they pack up their young son, Ben's Aunt Elizabeth, and their stuff and they move in.

Before long, things get a bit hinky at stately Allardyce Manor. Marian enjoys cleaning and leaving trays of food out for Mrs. Allardyce a little too much; when he's not trying to drown his son in the pool, Ben has recurring dreams of a smiling hearse chauffeur; Aunt Elizabeth begins to lose her life sparkle. And speaking of Mrs. Allardyce, no one has actually seen her at all...

Aside: I now want to start some sort of company called Life Sparkle, obviously to be geared toward women. I'm a little fuzzy on specifics, but it will involve life-coaching, sweatsuits, and diet tips.

Marian, fantasizing about Antiques Roadshow

Now reading all that, you'd think that Burnt Offerings would rock- nay, it would blast my face off with the scariness. I loves me a good haunted house, and I loves loves me movies featuring unseen relatives tucked away somewhere. I loves me a nicely-paced 70s horror flick, and those from director Dan Curtis in particular never fail to bring me joy. Unfortunately, watching Burnt Offerings is usually like this for me:

"... ... ... okay ... ... ... wow, what a fucking great last ten minutes!"

By the way, "..." isn't Braille. They're meant to indicate long periods where I just sort of sit there.

So is it me? Is it the movie? Both? Neither? I can never figure out the issue. The chauffeur is meant to be creepy, I know, but I actually find him rather goofy. I think Karen Black and Oliver Reed are fine and treat the material with more gravitas than it probably deserves. Reed, in particular, is fantastic at just plain playing scared. Burgess Meredith chews the eff out of his one scene as an Allardyce sib, and as dotty old Aunt Elizabeth, Bette Davis is...well. Somehow in the post Baby Jane years, she became a sort of Scooby-Doo version of herself, didn't she? In movies like Burnt Offerings and Scream, Pretty Peggy, you can tell she just sort of didn't give a fuck anymore. She didn't care about whatever makeup they'd put her in (or not put her in), or what the script was. Her very presence is enough to satisfy, and she smokes for a while and calls it a day. Mind you, these are not complaints- quite the opposite, in fact. She's great in that Bette Davis: The Later Years kind of way she had. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.


I still can't figure it out, Burnt Offerings: is it you, or is it me? Maybe it's you...but I know I'll always blame me. I'll trot you out every so often for another go, thinking "I didn't fall in love last time, but oh, this time! This time will be the time!" We have a weird relationship, don't we Burnt Offerings? It's like I married someone I don't find physically attractive, or someone I don't love. If I just hold out long enough and try super hard, my feelings will change! Won't they? If only Life Sparkle already existed...surely the advice columnist there could help me out!

In space, no one can hear you scream (unless you're in a spaceship)

When I reviewed the animated feature Dead Space: Downfall, I started out with some math:

(cartoon + comic + video game) x (sci-fi + horror) = (Final Girl + Dead Space) / love

That formula has not changed a bit in the interim, so I suppose you could say that I was greatly looking forward to the sequel, Dead Space: Aftermath. I suppose you could also say that I should get a haircut and while that may, in fact, be true, it has little to do with the matters at hand so you should just mind your own beeswax! But I know you're right. I do need a haircut. Earlier today I found a split end that was split in a manner that defied the very laws of nature and physics and probably time! It looked not at all unlike this 1896 drawing of a Mantis Shrimp.

By the way, don't mess with the Mantis Shrimp! They will fuck you up.

Sorry, I'm a bit distracted this morning. Umm...Dead Space: Aftermath, yes! As Downfall bridged the gap between the 6-issue comic book miniseries and the Dead Space video game, so Aftermath bridges the gap between the game and its sequel, due to hit on January 25th. For those of you who aren't all ten kinds of Funk & Wagnalls about the Dead Space series, here's a quick rundown:

Downfall: On the planet Aegis VII, an ancient alien artifact is discovered and brought aboard the USG Ishimura. The artifact has hinky powers, though, and causes flip outs of the homicidal variety. Not only that, but it reanimates dead tissue, turning human corpses into necromorphs, hideously deformed monsters who kill kill kill! Shit gets FUBARed on the Ishimura very quickly.

Dead Space: The USG Kellion answers the Ishimura's distress call. Players control Isaac Clarke, the Kellion's engineer, as he tries to...well, survive against a space ship full of necromorphs. At the end of the game, Clarke's fate is unknown.

Aftermath: The USG Bannon has been sent to find out what the frig is going on since contact with the Kellion and Clarke have now been lost. Ship after ship after ship, I swear! As you might guess, things on the Bannon go straight to heck and only four people survive. During Aftermath, we hear their tales, piece together the story, and learn just how heck-y it all got. We also discover what happened to Isaac Clarke to some extent, and the film leads right into Dead Space 2.


PHEW, amiright? Yeah, there's a lot to the Dead Space mythology, for lack of a better word, and I haven't even touched on the religious aspects of it all. If you don't know anything about any of it, you might come into Aftermath and not know what's going on. Well, you might not be completely lost, but you might feel a little out of place. You don't want that, do you? I don't want that for you. I want you to feel loved and cherished and like you belong, so you can be all "necromorph this" and "plasma cutter that". It's because I care!


Whether or not you're a Dead head, Aftermath is a good time. There's not a lot of character depth- we learn just the tiniest bit about the four survivors and their families (for example, one crew member sees the ghost of his dead daughter beckoning him as the artifact messes with his mind), but essentially they only tell the story of the massacre on the Bannon. That's fine by me, as it's an entertaining story...and as the math has proven, I'm a sucker for horror in space.

And this is definitely horror! It may not be quite as gory as Downfall, but the blood certainly flies and there's plenty of violence to be found. If that wasn't a big enough indicator, then all the swearing will let you know that Aftermath is decidedly not for the kiddies. That's right, I said swearing. This movie pulls out all the stops!


Each segment relating a survivor's tale has a different director and therefore a different art style. While they're all anime-esque, there are enough variations that you may end up needing a moment to sort out the characters- a thin, dweeby egghead scientist may appear all jacked up and ready to go on a 'roid rage in the next story. What's more off-putting, however, is the animation in the framing narrative- I don't know who decided cartoonish CGI was a good idea, but I wish they'd reconsidered and gone the traditional animation route for the entire film. Sometimes the CGI is alright; armor and guns, for example, come off looking cel-shaded and pretty cool. At other times, though, this shit looks like a commercial for The General auto insurance. It's an odd choice and I can't say I liked it, but I could deal with it (cue heavy, martyr-ish sigh).



I really like the Dead Space universe, and I dig that the world I discovered in the game is branching out into other media- I do so enjoy a property I can sink my teeth into. I'm a fan of animation and space-based horror, so as far as I'm concerned, these movies can keep on comin'. But then, what do I know? I mean, look at the state of my hair.

It's about time!

About GD time, I say!


It took 'em long enough to get here, but Ludlow has now officially moved from "pre-order" to just plain ol' "order". Aw, it's so available and grown up now. They start shipping this week! WOO!

awesome movie poster friday - the RANDOM edition!

Oh, you know...just some random awesomeness from some random movies I've reviewed.

• The Horrible House on the Hill is perhaps better known as Devil Times Five. They both translate to "crap", however.
  
• Who would have thought that Dominique would have such rad posters?
• Poor person in Dead & Buried. Not only does he have a needle sticking in his eye, but he's also got a miniature arm growing out of his neck!
• These have got me jonesin' to get all gorked out and watch Hell Night. I loves me some Hell Night!
• Has there ever been a more nauseatingly suggestive poster than that for The Initiation, or am I just seeing things?
  

Friday the 13th Part 3

A few notes!

1. Some of these were tough to capture well- in particular Andy and Rick. I'm not completely satisfied with them (looks like someone is putting headphones or nice soft buns on Rick's head), but alas. There are idiosyncrasies with this drawing style that I haven't quite worked out yet in all instances (like, how do I put pants on these guys? Andy's not nude, he's wearing jeans!). One lives, one learns!
2. In case you didn't notice, I've been putting them in order of when they're killed, but if they're killed offscreen, I put 'em basically when they are discovered.
3. Chili: she's been stabbed in the gut with a hot poker, and that's the sizzle rising, not farts.
4. Poker? I hardly knew her!
5. I did not put "and fetus" with Debbie because that's sort of depressing. Also, because I figured it went without saying.
6. Fox FTW.
7. For Friday the 13th Part One, click here. For Part Two, click here.
   

This just in (two months ago)!

Because I am a lousy Internetizen, I only visit a couple of sites every day. Because I am a lousy horror blogger, that "couple of sites" rarely includes any horror news sites. It's just that I find it difficult to get excited or worked up about upcoming movies. Stuff'll come out when (and/or if) it comes out, and I'll see it or I won't.

Man, when did I become so blasé yet cynical?? What's wrong with me? I used to get excited about horror movies that were on their way! I used to look forward to things! I need, like, Horror Cialis or something. Sigh.

I think a lot of it has to do with overload. Sites report incessantly on movies from the get go- set pictures, set visits, teasers and snippets and blah blah blah...you get inundated with it all until 1) you no longer care or 2) you see the movie and it disappoints you. It's a drag, man, a real drag. The other a lot of it (yes, there are two a lots) is the Facebook indie horror scene. Bitches are relentless in their "look at me! look at my trailer!"s, and I go numb (and yes, I realize that I'm a part of that culture, asking people to look at my stuff...doesn't mean I don't hate it, though). The net result is that I don't pay attention to anything.

This is why I'm only just learning about The Tall Man, which is the next film from Pascal Laugier (the fella who wrote and directed Martyrs). That's right, I'm only just learning about it even though Shock Till You Drop wrote about it in November! I have to admit, I'm intrigued. Fine, okay, I'm even looking forward to it. I want to see what else Laugier can do cinematically, and I want to see what he can do with a star like Jessica Biel. Here's the synopsis:

Cold Rock, U.S.A. - A darkness hovers upon the town: children have gone missing over the years leaving neither a clue nor a witness. Superstitious locals talk of The Tall Man, a legendary, mysterious dark figure who takes children away never to be seen again.

Julia (Biel), is a nurse living in Cold Rock who doesn't believe in legends. Until one night, waking up with an eerie feeling, she goes to her son's bedroom and find his bed empty. Rushing downstairs she stops dead in her tracks: a huge dark figure stands in the entrance holding her son David.

Driven by pure instinct, Julia rushes after them willing to do whatever it takes to get her son back. The chase is on and with it the quest for answers: who is The Tall man? What becomes of the children?

Should be interesting. So many questions! So many conflicted feelings! So very very very...well, we'll see whenever it comes out, yes? Yes.

Stay tuned until tomorrow, when I talk about something else everyone has already forgotten about!

Friday the 13th Part 2

For Part One, click here!

I don't care...

...how trashy these GD movies are! Baghead Jason popping out of bed and getting all stabby is scary. That is all.

awesome movie poster friday - the GHANAIAN edition!

Movie theaters came to Ghana in the 1980s thanks to the advent of VHS. Temporary mobile Cinemas were created and traveled from town to town spreading good cheer by showing films like Dolly Dearest. Artists were commissioned to create the posters for the "theaters", and they were given license to paint whatever they wanted on cloth or sacks or whatever else could be rolled up and taken along easily. Frequently, these artists never saw any of the movies at all...and that, my friends, is the answer to the question you surely asked when you saw these posters: why is Ghana bringing the cray cray?

I think we can all agree that the poster for Cujo is the best poster EVER.