Horror Without People: MESSIAH OF EVIL

So there's this terrific tumblr (I know, tumblr, right?) called Cinema Without People. The first time I saw it, I was like hey, wow, what a great idea, wish I'd thought of it. But then I thought, hey, wow, didn't Picasso or Shia LeBeouf or whomever say something about stealing? I think so, so why don't I...appropriate the idea sometimes and link back to the dude who thought of it first? Seems fair, particularly since he only posts about horror movies once in a great great while (The Brood is sweet) and generally doesn't indulge in the delightful trash that I sometimes do.

And that's what's up with this idea I didn't think of! I thought it'd be fun to explore it a bit in the context of horror because of the ways in which place can be so important: building tension, establishing a sense of isolation, showing the aftermath of violence, etc.

I thought a good place to start would be the 1973 film Messiah of Evil, which, as you should know by now, I want to take as my unholy bride because I adore it to no end. The empty streets of Point Dume, the surrealistic art in the beach house, the beach itself...all of it imbues the movie with a desolate, ominous feeling. Even bright, familiar places like an innocuous grocery store have entered the realm of the uncanny–something really ain't right in Point Dume. Pray you can escape, because no one will hear you SCREAM!

WITCHERY (1988)

"They've got a bunch of legends about this island–witches and rainbows and shit."

Shine on, you crazy witch light.

Long have I lamented the fact that witches are not represented enough in horror cinema for my liking. (It seems there will soon be an upswing? If nothing else, horror loves a trend, and The Witch's success will surely start one.) I look around and see masked jerks killing teens, vampires doing their thing, giant-sized computer animals being hokey and I cry: where my witches at?

The Italians usually know what's up with this sort of thing (hi, Suspiria), so when I found a copy of Witchery I was perhaps inordinately excited when I discovered that it's a Filmirage production. Yes, Filmirage, the Italian production company founded by sleazemeister Joe D'Amato (director of Anthropophagus, Buio Omega, Hercules: A Sex Adventure, and approximately 200 more cine-delights) that bestowed upon the world Stage Fright, Pieces, and Troll 2. As if that wasn't enough to bring my anticipation to a fever pitch, well, Witchery features Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff. Surely my love story with this movie would be written in the stars!

Witchery definitely started off on the right foot, with a pregnant woman running from a bunch of black-clad, sickle-wielding dudes. Rather than submit to whatever it is they have planned, she busts through a window to what one presumes is her death. Listen, I love a good defenestration, so any move that features one a mere three minutes in is fine by me.

We crash into the now and Jane (Linda Blair) is saved from being splatted by a falling steel girder when a mysterious Lady in Black flashes a crystal in her eyes. "Phew! Close one," thinks Jane, probably. Jane is about eight months into what is surely a Chekov's pregnancy...I mean, there's no reason for her to be pregnant unless her unborn baby is going to figure into things later, yes? Duh. Also worth noting in this scene: the hard hat with "STICK IT IN" written on it.

Meanwhile, Gary (David Hasselhoff) and his girlfriend Leslie (Leslie Cumming) are in an abandoned hotel on a desolate island researching the "witch's light." Could it be the shining crystal sported by the Lady in Black? SPOILER: YES OF COURSE. Why are they researching this phenomenon? Leslie says she's translating some German book that's hundreds of years old, although frankly I'm a little dubious because Leslie can barely string two words together. Attempting to decipher Leslie's dialogue is a terrific mini-game you can play whilst watching Witchery; bonus points if you can figure out whether she's sedated or just an egregiously bad actress. (Seriously–say what you will about Hasselhoff but oh, how he vainly tried to act with his co-star. The John Barrowman/What's-Her-Name dynamic of Shark Attack III: Megalodon came to mind.)

Gary tries to cuddle up with his girl, but Leslie ain't having it–not even when he tries to shame her with "Virginity is not normal for a grown woman!" Hmm. Surely what we have here is Chekov's virgin, right? SPOILER: YES OF COURSE.

But if you're worried that Leslie's virginity means there won't be any sexnanigans in the movie, well this image should satiate you:

Yes, that is supposed to be sexy. It's real estate agent/architect (they're the same thing, practically) Linda (Catherine Hickland), who is on her way to Witch Light Island. Also worth noting: Catherine Hickland was married to David Hasselhoff when they made this film! Also also worth noting: they divorced soon after it was released. Was it because of the witch's curse? SPOILER: LET'S ALL ASSUME THIS IS THE CASE.

Jane is also on her way to Witch Light Island, along with her father, her stepmother, her little brother, and yet another real estate agent. They family wants to buy the abandoned hotel in the hope of opening a swanky resort. But what of the island's mysterious Lady in Black? She's everywhere (and nowhere!), appearing in broken windows and booze bottles. Sometimes she just chills by the sea like she's in an Enya video.

Is she a witch, or is she the aged, reclusive Norma Desmond-type actress rumored to be living in the hotel, or is she both? SPOILER: I GUESS SO.

Once everyone is assembled at the hotel, it's time for some witchnanigans. This means that one by one, folks...well, they scream in front of a red swirly effect, and then they're in a witch dimension where bad things happen to them. But they die in our dimension. Witch physics are complicated!

Characters have their mouths sewn shut. They're burned alive, impaled (on a wall-mounted marlin, no less)...and while it's generally bloody, it's not the Fulci-levels of gore I was expecting. Merely mild grossness is totally acceptable, don't get me wrong. But there's a disconnect in Witchery, like it wanted to be super extreme but everything looks really fake and shoddy and you find yourself saying "This is sort of fun, but it should definitely be grosser."

A few dead bodies and a spectral dream rape later and we find out the Lady in Black's plan–yeah, it's all a satanic ritual ("That's pronounced 'suhtaahnic richull'." - Leslie) ensuring that Jane will birth a baby that...does stuff? Eh, it's not really explained. This kind of shit is never explained, and these sorts of nebulous witch/possession plans don't jive with me. I'm a list-maker, an outliner, you see. While I certainly indulge in spontaneity from time to time, I prefer to know the hows and the whys behind what I'm doing. So if I'm a witch and Satan is all "you need to kill these people and get a virgin and a pregnant woman and then possess the pregnant woman and oh, here's a crystal..." then I'm gonna be like "Okay, hold on, to what end is all this happening? What is the baby going to do? And why do I have to use this voodoo doll to kill people, I mean, aren't I conflating things a bit? And what about--" and then Satan will just murder me and possess someone who doesn't ask so many damn questions.

Oh, are you wondering about "possess the pregnant woman"? Yeah, Jane gets possessed because she's played by Linda Blair and so of course she has to get possessed and wear a nightgown and have her lines dubbed. It's Linda Blair.

If you haven't guessed by now, let me spell it out. SPOILER: WITCHERY IS PRETTY BAD. That's right, I finally got a hold of a movie in one of my most beloved subgenres and it's a stinker. Be careful what you witch for, eh, kiddies? Ehhh hee hee hee (crone cackle)!

AND YET.

I feel my affection for this movie growing leaps and bounds by the minute.

It's truly weird, and I doubt that it's weird on purpose. It's full of bizarre touches that don't seem deliberate but rather that they're "normal" touches made by someone who has a really weird sense of normal. Have you ever had one of those days where you feel as if you're in a David Lynch movie for a few minutes? Where you look around and it seems like reality has been microwaved? Just briefly! Like everything seems off somehow? You're in the same grocery store you've been in a hundred times before, but for some reason the atmosphere is rife with the uncanny.

That's Witchery. It's the foot in the face that's meant to be sexy. It's the girl in the wheelchair whose father lies in bed smoking and reading The Godfather. It's everything Leslie says. It's everything Jane's little brother says. It's the Lady in Black appearing in a bottle of booze. It's the pop culture novelty of Linda Blair and David Hasselhoff in an '80s horror movie. It's demonic voices coming out of a Sesame Street cassette player.

As if that weren't enough, it's worth seeing just for the ending. I don't know how many times I've watched the last 45 seconds of this movie, but I find it an endless delight and it's kind of all I want to do with my life now. It is an ending that defines a life moment, like the JFK assassination or 9/11 or the death of Michael Jackson. Where were you when you saw the end of Witchery? Yeah, wasn't it great?

Next week!

Are you guys pumped for Goodnight Mommy or WHAT oh man.


I sure am, although who knows when I'll be able to see it. But I'm not reading any reviews or anything before that magical time because I want me and my excitement to remain unsullied. For those of you who live in cities where this will definitely hit theaters, Goodnight Mommy opens September 11. Finally a reason to remember that date!

Now is as good a time as any...

...to make a wee bit of an announcement-thing, sort of a "Hey, this is happening so your eyes–keep them peeled!" Although honestly, now that I've started typing this, I am worried this is like a "save the date" email, or maybe when someone releases a trailer teasing the release of a trailer and you think, "Why not just wait for the thing itself and tell me about it, you assholes!"

So basically, maybe saying this now makes me a bit of an asshole? And maybe my penchant for calling people who invite me to things "assholes" is the reason why I don't get invited places? Or do you think that's because they're jealous of me? They're probably jealous.

Anyway, it was mentioned in the comments a few days ago, so I figured I'd might as well mention it on the "front page", as it were. Extry, extry, read all about it: I've been commissioned to write a book–well, a monograph, really, you know, like those things published by the BFI? About movies? They're these cool pocket-size works, running, oh, about 125 pages or so. I've got a few, like one about Night of the Living Dead, and one about The Birds (written by Camille Paglia! Can you believe that shit), and–about Martyrs. Yes! I've been telling you for years that I'm going to write about it, and now here we are. And instead of a blog post, I am writing a shit ton about it! It's super exciting. Super. I am so excited. Martyrs. Fuck yeah!

That's the opening of the book: "Martyrs. Fuck yeah!" Pretty good, right? *brushes off shoulders like a cool person*

Just kidding, that's not how it starts. But Martyrs, though. Fuck yeah!

It'll be published through Electric Dreamhouse Press, a new cinema imprint from PS Publishing. The lineup is killer, I have to say, and I'm proud to be a part of it and I want to dig in to all of these, because would you just look at the movies and the writers? WOULD YOU JUST LOOK?

EYES WITHOUT A FACE – Michael Brooke
THEATRE OF BLOOD - John Llewellyn Probert
CARNIVAL OF SOULS – Stephen Bissette
MARTYRS – Stacie Ponder
DEATHLINE – Sean Hogan
DRESSED TO KILL – Mike Sutton
THE KARNSTEIN TRILOGY – Angela Slatter
THE TENANT – Kevin Jackson
SINISTER – Mark Morris
FRANKENSTEIN MUST BE DESTROYED – Dennis Cozzalio
LET’S SCARE JESSICA TO DEATH – Lynda E. Rucker
ISLAND OF LOST SOULS – Jonathan Rigby
THE UNHOLY THREE – Johnny Mains
THE FURY – Howard S. Berger & Kevin Marr
MARTIN – Jez Winship
TWIN PEAKS: FIRE WALK WITH ME – Maura McHugh
BLOOD ON SATAN’S CLAW – Kimberly Lindbergs
ERASERHEAD – Anton Bitel
THE BRIDES OF DRACULA – Richard Harland Smith
SPIDER BABY – Stephen R. Bissette
SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE – Stacie Ponder
BLACK SUNDAY – Angela Slatter
THE DEVIL RIDES OUT – Maura McHugh
BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA – Mike Sutton
FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE – John Llewellyn Probert
THE HILLS HAVE EYES – Richard Harland Smith
VALERIE & HER WEEK OF WONDERS – Jez Winship

Kimberly Lindbergs on Blood on Satan's Claw? Gimme gimme! Richard Harland Smith on The Hills Have Eyes? Is this a dream? A whole volume dedicated to Let's Scare Jessica to Death? Did I die and go to the afterlife or what. And yes! I am also writing about Slumber Party Massacre down the line. I'm so psyched. 95 pages will be dedicated to the pizza scene, I promise.

So the imprint is in its infancy, but here is the gist. You can email and, like, get emails and interact with the Facebook page if Facebook is something you do.

ELECTRIC DREAMHOUSE PRESS, a new cinema imprint from PS Publishing and Editor Neil Snowdon (We Are The Martians: The Legacy Of Nigel Kneale), specialising in Cult and Genre Cinema. 

Kicking off with MIDNIGHT MOVIE MONOGRAPHS, an ongoing series of in-depth writings about the less reputable side of the cinephile universe, and bringing together genre authors, film-makers and some of the most interesting critical voices in the field, this is passionate, incisive, entertaining film writing of the highest order. If you have a taste for Cult and Genre movies, this is for YOU. 

Pre-Orders are not yet available (release dates TBA), but you can register your interest by emailing: editor@electricdreamhouse.co.uk or Liking the Facebook Page and leaving a comment.

This is exciting, right? You guys. You guys. YOU GUYS.

R.I.P. Wes Craven

One of the best things about the horror community is that it's...well, that it's a community. We squabble like siblings when we have different tastes, we bond over favorites. Sharing the tales of our introductions to the genre brings us closer together. We nerd out together at conventions and it comment sections. We're like a really big, incredibly strange family.

When someone involved in the horror world dies–be it a writer, a director, an actor, or even a fellow fan–it stings because we're losing one of our own. Even if we've never met the person, our mutual love of monsters and mayhem means they're near and dear to us.

Wes Craven, ever a champion of and for horror, has died at the age of 76, still too young. I'd wager there isn't a genre fan out there who hasn't been greatly affected by one or more of his films, for he left us with a legacy of some of the best movies that horror has to offer. We can take comfort in that, but it still stings. He had more to give us–more to give the world of cinema–but we've lost one of our own.

Thanks for all the nightmares, Mr. Craven.

Until Dawn (2015)

It can be a hard knock life out there for a console-tied horror lovin' gamer like me. Sure, there are classics like Resident Evil and Silent Hill, but there is room in my heart for more. However, in recent years horror games have generally morphed into action games with a horror skin; while scaring the player still figures into the equation, newer titles tend to be fast-paced and combat heavy instead of atmosphere-laden mood and exploration pieces. (One need only look at the evolution of the Resident Evil games to get the gist–it's hard to believe that Resident Evil and Resident Evil 5 are in the same series.) Don't get me wrong, there are still flashes of brilliance–P.T. terrorized me more than anything else in my life ever has, Alien: Isolation is a fantastic fright fest, and even the lo-fi aesthetics of games like Home and Lone Survivor can belie some gripping experiences. But by and large, I'm always thirsty for new horror games that don't solely revolve around shooting monsters.

You can imagine, then, that I was really fucking excited for Until Dawn, a survival/adventure horror game that emphasizes story, character interaction, exploration, and decision making.

The plot features a setup that's straight from the early '80s heyday of the slasher flick: Ten friends spend the weekend at a remote mountain lodge, but after a prank goes awry, two of the party members end missing and presumed dead. A year later, the remaining eight friends return to the lodge for another weekend, but guess what? They're not alone. Yep, it seems there's a masked killer on the loose. Go figure!

When dawn finally comes, the number of survivors remaining is up to the player. You're frequently faced with choices, from seemingly insignificant ones (do you give a sincere or a snarky response to an innocuous question?) to ones that can immediately result in life or death for a character (the killer is chasing you, do you run or hide?). Anyone who's ever yelled at the screen during a horror movie will delight in taking control of characters normally deemed moronic...and they'll find out how damn difficult it is to make a split-second decisions when you're in a panic.

Once the game gets rolling, it doesn't stop. The train is inexorable, and it chugs along...until dawn. There is no going back if you make a wrong choice or if you miss a clue whilst exploring, and you can only live (or not live, as the case may be) with your decisions. While some mistakes are obvious, the game will tell you what "butterfly effect" an earlier action has had. You know, like maybe that snarky response of yours hours earlier means that someone isn't exactly rushing to come to your aid now.

The characters, as you might expect, are also straight out of early '80s horror: there's the jock, the jokester, the mean girl, the probably final girl, the horny couple, etc. Before the action begins, you've got to wade through some dopey dialogue, and I admit I found myself saying "I don't care if any of these assholes makes it through the night." After all, most of the victims in a generic slasher flick are just there to be killed. If you can tolerate them before that, great...but chances are there are some you can't wait to see die just so they'll shut up.

But I'll be damned if everyone didn't grow on me during Until Dawn. I'm not saying the characters end up more than the archetypes they start out as, or that they ever have, you know, depth. But listen: when you are tasked with seeing a character through a particularly grueling sequence of events, you become very invested in their survival. I was shocked when I realized that the character I liked the least ended up being the one I was rooting for the most. Seriously, early on I was thinking that I'd try to get her killed intentionally I hated her so much. Her personality never really underwent a change, but damn, she endured so much that I wanted her to live. Ultimately, she didn't make it and it was sort of devastating, for the interactive nature of the game had us buddied up. I fucked up, and she died. As active participants, players bear a responsibility in Until Dawn that they don't in passive entertainment such as Friday the 13th. For a lifelong horror fan, it's a unique, terrific experience.

Gameplay is accessible even to those new to video games. Yeah sure, you need to have fast reactions much of the time, but it's generally little more than matching onscreen button prompts, moving a stick in one direction or another, or–in the most nerve-wracking sequences–not moving the controller at all because doing so will give away your location.

Until Dawn is frequently beautiful to look at, and also frequently very strange to look at. The odd mix of motion capture and animation often dips low into uncanny valley, leaving characters looking more like creepy robots than actual people. (It doesn't help when characters are made to resemble their familiar real-life counterparts, such as actors Peter Stormare and Hayden Panettiere.) More often than not, however, your mouth will be agape at the visuals in, like, a good way. And also because of the gore. Oh yes, there's enough blood and gore here to do Tom Savini proud.

The story twists and turns, hitting plenty of beloved genre tropes and touchstones, and the horror pedigree of co-writer Larry Fessenden readily apparent. (Do you love Larry Fessenden? I do. I don't love everything he does, but he's a cool cat and it seems like he loves horror as much as you or I.) If you like horror movies and video games, Until Dawn is absolutely a no-brainer.

My first playthrough saw only two of the eight characters survive. Can you believe that? I thought for sure I'd make only the right decisions and everyone would waltz out of that lodge alive and happy in the light of a new day. I mean, I have a horror blog. You don't get more expert than that!

Until Dawn is a PlayStation 4 exclusive.

amazon one-star reviews: MARTYRS (2008)

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Let's Talk About Lists, Baby

Aw yeah, here's the part where someone spends time compiling data in order to create a "best of" list and then I read the list and I'm like "Pfft, that list is mostly lame" and so I write my own list and then people read my list and they're like "Pfft, that list is mostly lame" and so they write their own lists in the comments. And the great möbius strip of internet life continues until we are all dead. Or maybe even for a while after that! An Eternity in Listicles.

Anyway, over at yon Movies, Films, and Flix, writer Mark Hofmeyer has posted the results of a readers' poll for The Top 21 Horror Films of the 21st Century. Here are the Top 10:

1. Drag Me to Hell
2. Mulholland Dr.
3. Shaun of the Dead
4. The Babadook
5. It Follows
6. Let the Right One In
7. The Descent
8. 28 Days Later
9. Pan's Labyrinth
10. Cabin in the Woods

To this list I say: hmm. Some of it, yes! Some of it, no! Some of it, I have no opinion on, specifically regarding Pan's Labyrinth because I haven't seen it yet even though I know I should. We've just never been in the same room at the same time, but I'll rectify that one of these days/years/lifetimes.

I loves me some Mulholland Dr, and I can see how one would qualify it as "horror", but personally I would not. (But that dumpster scene...) Shaun of the Dead? A delight! One of the Top 10 horror films of the last 15 years? Yehhhh. And I know I'm for sure in the minority on Cabin in the Woods, but that film didn't do much for me at all. For whatever reason, I am immune to its charms, and even more perversely, the more other people like it, the less I like it. That never happens! Cabin in the Woods really brings out the Newton's Third Law of my heart. I am not sure why, nor am I sure what this says about me. But oh well. I hope you like it.

Because I minored in list battling, it is only right that I counter this Top 10 with my own Top 20. (SPOILER ALERT: Cabin in the Woods is not on it.) Are these the "best" horror movies of the 21st century, or are they simply my favorites? Are those two things interchangeable since I have such exquisite taste? "You smell like White Diamonds, Stacie," you're probably saying. "Of course you only like the best things." That is sweet of you, but you might think some of my Top 20 is garbage. That's why we list battle. But my Top 5–and particularly my Top One–constitutes a hill I'd probably die on, so bring it!

20. Sinister (2012)

Okay, this one kind of embarrasses me, but I can't help it. I like it way more than it deserves to be liked. I feel about Sinister the way the majority of people feel about The Conjuring: it was scary, what else do you need? Yes, it goes off the rails a bit the more that it shows. Overall, it's pretty stupid. I wouldn't want a steady diet of stupid horror, but every once in a while simply being scary is enough. I mean, man (probably) cannot live on Combos alone but fuck, they're great once a year.

19. Triangle (2009)

Underrated mindfuck whose logic may not hold up to scrutiny, but so what? Also, Melissa George. She's great!

18. It Follows (2014)

I read a lot of praise for this movie before I saw it and I was crazy excited. Despite the killer soundtrack, terrific premise, and good looks...I don't know, about 2/3 of the way in it lost me and it never got me back. It was sort of like really connecting with someone online and everything's nice, then you finally meet up for a drink or whatever and something feels off and you go home deflated, thinking ugh we were supposed to fall in love. We were supposed to fall in love, It Follows!

17. Paranormal Activity (2007)

Remember a time when there were no Paranormal Activity movies? Me neither! I can't believe the series is still going, because it has got to be the flimsiest excuse for a franchise I've ever seen. And honestly, I picked up the blu-ray a couple of months ago for $1.75 and gave it a whirl and it doesn't really hold up to repeat viewings. So why is it here at #17? I don't know! Leave me alone.

16. Lovely Molly (2011)

Have you seen this? You should see it. Gretchen Lodge is fantastic as the troubled (to put it mildly) Molly, and it incorporates found footage without feeling like...well, like a tired old found footage flick. (And I say that as an unabashed lover of found footage flicks.)

15. The House of the Devil (2009)

One of the finest examples of the "uncanny" in horror. It is a love it or hate it kind of deal, I think, so maybe you hate it. Have fun being wrong, sucker!

14. A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

It's not as "flashy" as other movies you might think of when you think "Asian horror"–it doesn't have the iconic ghost faces of Ju-on or the violence of Audition, but what an experience. It transcends the simple label "horror", I think, and as I'm writing this I'm wondering why it's not higher on my list.

13. The Children (2008)

Listen, I find the idea of spending a Christmas holiday surrounded by children horrifying enough, even without them trying to murder me. Therefore, this movie really appeals to my cold, black heart.

12. 28 Days Later (2002)

It's included if only for the first 3/4 alone. It's a genre classic at this point, isn't it?

11. You're Next (2011)

I was not expecting to like this, but I ended up loving it and here it is at #11. What a world! It's tense, it's fun, it's gross, and Barbara Crampton is in it. If someone had told me that before I saw it, well, I would have expected to love it. When pitching something, always lead with the Barbara Crampton, geez. (That said, I ultimately wasn't all that wild about We Are Still Here, another recent film starring Crampton. Go figure.)

10. Let the Right One In (2008)

Grim, unrelenting, and–wait, you don't need me to tell you about this, do you? It deserves every bit of praise it gets.

9. The Babadook (2014)

Is it more horror-flavored drama than horror? Yes. Is it as terrifying as the hype would lead you to believe? No. So what? It's a beautiful, perfect depiction of depression. I love watching actresses act the shit out of stuff, and man, Essie Davis acts the shit out of this.

8. The Ring (2002)

I sort of feel like The Ring is fifty years old. The Asian horror remake fad has come and gone, long-haired ghost girls are all but a joke, so many movies have that fucking bluish tint now...but The Ring is still awesome and you know it.

7. The Innkeepers (2011)

That's right, it's here! Fuck you, I love The Innkeepers! It hits all the right notes for me: noises in the dark, big empty haunted houses, quiet creeping dread. I don't even care if anything happens! It's a campfire ghost story, and I am so on board.

6. Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Yes, I agree, there is some jarringly wonky CGI in Drag Me to Hell, but it matters not. There is a dark, delicious mean streak in this movie and it's a mile wide and I adore it. This movie is so disgusting and over the top and batshit insane that it just makes me happy. Like cackling-with-glee happy.

5. Session 9 (2001)

Not even David Caruso's smarm can diminish my fondness for this film. It gets under my skin even as I'm sitting here thinking about it.

4. [REC] (2007)

I can't decide if I'm cheating on The Blair Witch Project with [REC] or vice versa. All I know for sure is that I tell each of them that they're my favorite P.O.V./found footage horror movie, and I always mean it. I am constantly astounded by the camera work in [REC] because for all the chaos and choreography, it consistently feels authentic. I love the way it builds to a frenetic crescendo and then quiets down for an unbelievably terrifying finale. And who doesn't love a spunky girl reporter hero like Angela Vidal? She's horror's Lois Lane and deserves all the Pulitzers.

3. The Descent (2005)

Neil Marshall, Neil Marshall, where have you gone, Neil Marshall? I know you're doing, like, TV or whatever, but come on. Horror needs you! Horror needs characters like the little babies in this picture, characters that feel like they have depth even if maybe they don't actually have much depth and you feel terrible when their lives get screwed. Horror needs something that's not the same ol' same ol' but feels comfortingly familiar anyway. I love this movie so hard, totally in a heart-with-an-arrow-through-it kind of way.

2. Lake Mungo (2008)

If I could sponsor a movie in a Big Brothers/Big Sisters Association kind of way, it would be Lake Mungo. I adore it so very much and I feel like no one ever talks about it, so I want to take it around everywhere and let it know it's loved. (Am I cheating on The Blair Witch Project and [REC] with this documentary-style P.O.V. film? Probably.) Why is it so ignored? Is it because the word "Mungo" is unpleasant? Is it because it was released in the U.S. under the "8 Films to Die For" banner and that scared people away because those movies are generally garbage? I don't know. I don't get it. Lake Mungo is a compelling exploration of grief, and you know what? It's slyly, quietly terrifying. Seriously, this movie fucks me up. It fucks me up before I know it's fucking me up. It unsettles me like nothing I've experienced–I mean, it kept me awake at night the second time I saw it. Maybe it won't move you like it moves me, but my dying words may well be "Lake Mungo".

1. Martyrs (2008)

Look, if you've ever visited Final Girl before then you probably knew that this would be NUMBER ONE and you probably also know that I've yet to write about this film. Well, I am twirling my metaphorical (YES, METAPHORICAL) moustache right now, but I cannot tell you anything yet except that...Martyrs is my number one. So there.

ALMOSTS: In My Skin, Inside

So what did I miss? I'm sure I'm forgetting some movies, and you'll mention them and I'll be all "Aw dang, that woulda been number 12!" or something.

FFS, you don't need to remind me, Netflix.