Let's Talk About Lists, Baby

Aw yeah, here's the part where someone spends time compiling data in order to create a "best of" list and then I read the list and I'm like "Pfft, that list is mostly lame" and so I write my own list and then people read my list and they're like "Pfft, that list is mostly lame" and so they write their own lists in the comments. And the great möbius strip of internet life continues until we are all dead. Or maybe even for a while after that! An Eternity in Listicles.

Anyway, over at yon Movies, Films, and Flix, writer Mark Hofmeyer has posted the results of a readers' poll for The Top 21 Horror Films of the 21st Century. Here are the Top 10:

1. Drag Me to Hell
2. Mulholland Dr.
3. Shaun of the Dead
4. The Babadook
5. It Follows
6. Let the Right One In
7. The Descent
8. 28 Days Later
9. Pan's Labyrinth
10. Cabin in the Woods

To this list I say: hmm. Some of it, yes! Some of it, no! Some of it, I have no opinion on, specifically regarding Pan's Labyrinth because I haven't seen it yet even though I know I should. We've just never been in the same room at the same time, but I'll rectify that one of these days/years/lifetimes.

I loves me some Mulholland Dr, and I can see how one would qualify it as "horror", but personally I would not. (But that dumpster scene...) Shaun of the Dead? A delight! One of the Top 10 horror films of the last 15 years? Yehhhh. And I know I'm for sure in the minority on Cabin in the Woods, but that film didn't do much for me at all. For whatever reason, I am immune to its charms, and even more perversely, the more other people like it, the less I like it. That never happens! Cabin in the Woods really brings out the Newton's Third Law of my heart. I am not sure why, nor am I sure what this says about me. But oh well. I hope you like it.

Because I minored in list battling, it is only right that I counter this Top 10 with my own Top 20. (SPOILER ALERT: Cabin in the Woods is not on it.) Are these the "best" horror movies of the 21st century, or are they simply my favorites? Are those two things interchangeable since I have such exquisite taste? "You smell like White Diamonds, Stacie," you're probably saying. "Of course you only like the best things." That is sweet of you, but you might think some of my Top 20 is garbage. That's why we list battle. But my Top 5–and particularly my Top One–constitutes a hill I'd probably die on, so bring it!

20. Sinister (2012)

Okay, this one kind of embarrasses me, but I can't help it. I like it way more than it deserves to be liked. I feel about Sinister the way the majority of people feel about The Conjuring: it was scary, what else do you need? Yes, it goes off the rails a bit the more that it shows. Overall, it's pretty stupid. I wouldn't want a steady diet of stupid horror, but every once in a while simply being scary is enough. I mean, man (probably) cannot live on Combos alone but fuck, they're great once a year.

19. Triangle (2009)

Underrated mindfuck whose logic may not hold up to scrutiny, but so what? Also, Melissa George. She's great!

18. It Follows (2014)

I read a lot of praise for this movie before I saw it and I was crazy excited. Despite the killer soundtrack, terrific premise, and good looks...I don't know, about 2/3 of the way in it lost me and it never got me back. It was sort of like really connecting with someone online and everything's nice, then you finally meet up for a drink or whatever and something feels off and you go home deflated, thinking ugh we were supposed to fall in love. We were supposed to fall in love, It Follows!

17. Paranormal Activity (2007)

Remember a time when there were no Paranormal Activity movies? Me neither! I can't believe the series is still going, because it has got to be the flimsiest excuse for a franchise I've ever seen. And honestly, I picked up the blu-ray a couple of months ago for $1.75 and gave it a whirl and it doesn't really hold up to repeat viewings. So why is it here at #17? I don't know! Leave me alone.

16. Lovely Molly (2011)

Have you seen this? You should see it. Gretchen Lodge is fantastic as the troubled (to put it mildly) Molly, and it incorporates found footage without feeling like...well, like a tired old found footage flick. (And I say that as an unabashed lover of found footage flicks.)

15. The House of the Devil (2009)

One of the finest examples of the "uncanny" in horror. It is a love it or hate it kind of deal, I think, so maybe you hate it. Have fun being wrong, sucker!

14. A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)

It's not as "flashy" as other movies you might think of when you think "Asian horror"–it doesn't have the iconic ghost faces of Ju-on or the violence of Audition, but what an experience. It transcends the simple label "horror", I think, and as I'm writing this I'm wondering why it's not higher on my list.

13. The Children (2008)

Listen, I find the idea of spending a Christmas holiday surrounded by children horrifying enough, even without them trying to murder me. Therefore, this movie really appeals to my cold, black heart.

12. 28 Days Later (2002)

It's included if only for the first 3/4 alone. It's a genre classic at this point, isn't it?

11. You're Next (2011)

I was not expecting to like this, but I ended up loving it and here it is at #11. What a world! It's tense, it's fun, it's gross, and Barbara Crampton is in it. If someone had told me that before I saw it, well, I would have expected to love it. When pitching something, always lead with the Barbara Crampton, geez. (That said, I ultimately wasn't all that wild about We Are Still Here, another recent film starring Crampton. Go figure.)

10. Let the Right One In (2008)

Grim, unrelenting, and–wait, you don't need me to tell you about this, do you? It deserves every bit of praise it gets.

9. The Babadook (2014)

Is it more horror-flavored drama than horror? Yes. Is it as terrifying as the hype would lead you to believe? No. So what? It's a beautiful, perfect depiction of depression. I love watching actresses act the shit out of stuff, and man, Essie Davis acts the shit out of this.

8. The Ring (2002)

I sort of feel like The Ring is fifty years old. The Asian horror remake fad has come and gone, long-haired ghost girls are all but a joke, so many movies have that fucking bluish tint now...but The Ring is still awesome and you know it.

7. The Innkeepers (2011)

That's right, it's here! Fuck you, I love The Innkeepers! It hits all the right notes for me: noises in the dark, big empty haunted houses, quiet creeping dread. I don't even care if anything happens! It's a campfire ghost story, and I am so on board.

6. Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Yes, I agree, there is some jarringly wonky CGI in Drag Me to Hell, but it matters not. There is a dark, delicious mean streak in this movie and it's a mile wide and I adore it. This movie is so disgusting and over the top and batshit insane that it just makes me happy. Like cackling-with-glee happy.

5. Session 9 (2001)

Not even David Caruso's smarm can diminish my fondness for this film. It gets under my skin even as I'm sitting here thinking about it.

4. [REC] (2007)

I can't decide if I'm cheating on The Blair Witch Project with [REC] or vice versa. All I know for sure is that I tell each of them that they're my favorite P.O.V./found footage horror movie, and I always mean it. I am constantly astounded by the camera work in [REC] because for all the chaos and choreography, it consistently feels authentic. I love the way it builds to a frenetic crescendo and then quiets down for an unbelievably terrifying finale. And who doesn't love a spunky girl reporter hero like Angela Vidal? She's horror's Lois Lane and deserves all the Pulitzers.

3. The Descent (2005)

Neil Marshall, Neil Marshall, where have you gone, Neil Marshall? I know you're doing, like, TV or whatever, but come on. Horror needs you! Horror needs characters like the little babies in this picture, characters that feel like they have depth even if maybe they don't actually have much depth and you feel terrible when their lives get screwed. Horror needs something that's not the same ol' same ol' but feels comfortingly familiar anyway. I love this movie so hard, totally in a heart-with-an-arrow-through-it kind of way.

2. Lake Mungo (2008)

If I could sponsor a movie in a Big Brothers/Big Sisters Association kind of way, it would be Lake Mungo. I adore it so very much and I feel like no one ever talks about it, so I want to take it around everywhere and let it know it's loved. (Am I cheating on The Blair Witch Project and [REC] with this documentary-style P.O.V. film? Probably.) Why is it so ignored? Is it because the word "Mungo" is unpleasant? Is it because it was released in the U.S. under the "8 Films to Die For" banner and that scared people away because those movies are generally garbage? I don't know. I don't get it. Lake Mungo is a compelling exploration of grief, and you know what? It's slyly, quietly terrifying. Seriously, this movie fucks me up. It fucks me up before I know it's fucking me up. It unsettles me like nothing I've experienced–I mean, it kept me awake at night the second time I saw it. Maybe it won't move you like it moves me, but my dying words may well be "Lake Mungo".

1. Martyrs (2008)

Look, if you've ever visited Final Girl before then you probably knew that this would be NUMBER ONE and you probably also know that I've yet to write about this film. Well, I am twirling my metaphorical (YES, METAPHORICAL) moustache right now, but I cannot tell you anything yet except that...Martyrs is my number one. So there.

ALMOSTS: In My Skin, Inside

So what did I miss? I'm sure I'm forgetting some movies, and you'll mention them and I'll be all "Aw dang, that woulda been number 12!" or something.

FFS, you don't need to remind me, Netflix.

Happy Birthday to Me

Kids, guess what! Today marks some kind of "Holy shit, everyone is old" milestone in the annals of Final Girl, for she is now ten years old. Ten! Years! A decade! Baby's growing up so fast, the next thing you know she'll be taking murderous revenge on all the people who made fun of the limp she had in 6th grade.

(In the interests of history and also for the record, I did not have a limp in 6th grade. But that was the year I got glasses, braces, and chicken pox all within about two days of each other, so trust: a limp would have been vastly preferred. Although I have to say no one made fun of any of it, so I'll have to take murderous revenge for some other reason, I suppose. Hooray?)

Oh man, ten years and I still can't catch a break from that guy!

For real though–yes, for REAL–a decade is a long time to have a horror blog, so I'm sure that says something about something. Do people still have blogs? Does anyone read them now that Facebook...is? Or does everyone just "jack in" to some kind of "cyber reality" and "hack the mainframe"?

In the ten years since I started Final Girl on a whim and a prayer (to Satan), oh how the world has changed. Remember when remakes were just starting to be a thing and we were all simultaneously stunned and outraged? Remember the Asian horror invasion (come back, Tartan Asia Extreme, I miss you so much)? Remember the days before Blu-ray, when rare horror movies were only available on, like, shitty bootleg CD-Rs of VHS copies? Remember the time we had that gum? Remember when you could sit outside and not worry about the mosquitos and the killers? We've been through so much, what a ride, does this look infected to you, etc etc. We've loved and lost, and loved again and lost again, and loved again and lost again, and I guess you could say we've sort of alternated on those.

You know, I'd never written anything for public consumption before I started Final Girl. I'd never considered writing at all, it was never my thing. I didn't keep a journal or write stories or any of that, outside of whatever I had to do for school. It's because of this dumb horror blog that I've discovered one of the greatest loves of my life, and one of the reason I kept this dumb horror blog going is the readers. I mean, I write to write, not because people sometimes say nice things (though that always brings about good feelings) or because sometimes people say mean things (though that always brings about a laugh). "Visitor stats" and numbers don't mean anything, but a reader leaving a recommendation in the comments, or the discussions that get going, the writers I've been introduced to...those mean something. Y'all give Final Girl life!

So whether you've been coming here for ten years or for ten seconds, thanks for reading. I can't tell you how great it feels. (It's a secret.)

awesome movie poster friday - the MAD MAX edition!

Okay, so the Mad Max films aren't horror and this is a horror blog. Well, guess what! I'm gonna talk about them anyway because I'm willing to bet that a Venn diagram showing horror fans and Mad Max fans would feature a very very very large intersection. So large, in fact, that the circles would pretty much overlap completely and you know that anyone not in the intersection is most likely a jerk. Right? I mean come on, it's Mad fucking Max.

And besides! I can talk about whatever I want to here. I could start a running feature on Precious Moments figurines if I wanted to, and talk about whether the one holding the umbrella is more or less precious than the one mixing a bowl of cake mix or whatthefuckever it is they do and enough about that, let's talk about Mad Max!

Fury Road opens today and I'm so excited I might actually explode before I get to see it tonight. Word has been nothing but super great, except for all the men's rights activists who are complaining that they were lured in by the promises of explosions and cars (promises which were apparently fulfilled, mind) only to be confronted with–GASP–feminism and female characters with agency. The horror!

But really, it makes me wonder if those complainers have actually, like, seen a Mad Max movie before? There's never been a shortage of terrific female characters and women getting shit done (for good or ill). How about Auntie Entity? Or maybe this lady?

Ugh, she is so perfect.

Anyway. Enough about the folks who just don't get it. The point is, The Road Warrior is a hugely important film for me in that "what made you you?" kind of way, you know, along with Mad Magazine and all sorts of horror movies and the such. I can't wait to trip out on that same vibe tonight. Until then, some awesome movie posters will have to suffice.

EDITED TO ADD: Hello, this is Stacie's ghost, blogging from the afterlife because she went to see Fury Road and SHE LOST HER MIND AND DIED BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOOD.

Who Wore It Best?

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you're a super person and therefore, you're a regular reader of My New Plaid Pants. Therefore, you know that it comprises movie reviews and lots of pretty pictures and horror movie talk and more beefcake than you can shake your eyeballs at (whatever that means) and more. Our pal JA has created a blog that isn't any one thing, you know? It is a smorgasbord of pop culture niblets, I tells ya. He runs many a regular feature, including Thursday's Ways Not to Die and The Moment I Fell For..., and unlike me, he actually sticks with these regular features and keeps them going! For a really long time!

Man, I suck.

Anyway, today I'm borrowing one of MNPP's recurring features–Who Wore It Best?–because what else can you do when you remember that time you were playing the 2013 Tomb Raider reboot and suddenly you were confronted with a positively delightful nod to one of your favorite films, The Descent, as Lara Croft slowly and calmly emerges from a pool of blood? It's so gross! It's so good! Videogames and horror movies are two great tastes that taste great together and separately, don't you think?

Still, if I'm to truly borrow a gimmick from JA then I'm afraid you'll have to vote. Only one blood-soaked heroine can be victorious! So...who wore the pool of blood best?

Who Wore It Best?

Lara Croft

Sarah

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I should have posted this yesterday!

I know I should have, but I did not. So sue me! But it's been stuck in my head since then, and now I hope it is stuck in yours. *evil laugh*

THAT ENDING. Why couldn't this happen in the actual movie??

awesome movie poster friday: the EVEN MORE VHS BOX ART edition!

Wow, it's been so long since I've busted out an Awesome Movie Poster Friday. I'm such a jerk! But you knew that, I'm sure. Anyway, since I recently wrapped VHS Week, I figured why not bring back one of my favorite things to feature here, VHS boxes. Aw yeah!

From the BUTTERFACE department, amirite? Honk honk!

From the BUTTERBOOBS department, amiri–WAIT WHY ARE THERE BOOBS UNDER THERE

Then there's the hair. Is this a skeleton playing a joke? With a wig and a stuffed shirt? Or did a cheerleader with a lot of secrets die a long time ago? SO MANY QUESTIONS

"Ma'am, now may not be the best time to tell you but I need to be honest: I can't see anything. Also, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing."

Look, I really don't want to victim-blame here. But at what point do you find yourself a new gynecologist or whatever? When you realize his name is Dr. Sadism? When you get to the office park for your appointment and realize it's a castle? When the nurse comes out to the waiting room and is all "Right this way, please" and she leads you to a torture chamber? I mean, the clues that this would not work out well were kind of there, you have to admit.

"Hands"...by which we mean "forearms".

Looks like they're ready for Threesome on a Meathook, really, but props for those flawless blow-outs in the face of (sexy) danger.

*woman screams in terror as her throat is cut*

"VIDEO FOR PLEASURE"

Okay, given the perspective in this picture, I'd say he's got a good 6-10 feet to cover before he kicks her in the butt...but his foot is already up, so I assume he's going to hop at her in a menacing fashion.

Also, Stephanie, shoveling like that is a really good way to throw out your back, young lady!

Shout out to some of horror's tiniest victims:

PS- Hey The Nest, you really should have called her an "Amuse-roach"

I'm including this one because at first glance I thought it said "Satan Wrap":

And this one, at first I thought it said "Ninja Potato Whores" WHICH IS TOTALLY A MOVIE I WANT TO SEE but all of these misreads are making me think that maybe I have some kind of brain damage? 

And finally...

Here's exclusive footage of that tagline being written: